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Thu 9 Mar, 2017 10:06 pm
I am in my 30's, my wife is in hers as well. We have five kids together. I have one she has 4. All of them with different fathers. Usually I would be bothered by this, but I met her and fell for her very rapidly. She and I met online, and hit it off. She was into most of the things I was into.
So, we struggled a bit in trying to afford such a large jump and blending our family. However overall our relationship is good, strong and we survived.
Because of our struggles my wife found a full time job, she works every day almost. She has a very horrible past filled with abandonment and negativity. Mostly from the females in her life. She works at this job for about three months, and starts to develop a close bond to her coworkers. One in particular, a male. She told me that he is like a brother and at best friend status with their conversations. He has confided in her and told her some pretty intimate things, that she also relayed to me. She tells me about the things they do at work and keeps me updated.
About a week ago he texted her on her day off and was asking for directions. I said why doesn't he use google? I kind of left it at that.
I trust her, but I have been married before, and my last marriage ended almost exactly like this one. This starts as a friendship and then escalates to me losing the one person I want to spend my life with.
So we have talked about it. She understood and texted him, telling him he and her need to bring it down a notch. She said that it was bothering me and told him a little about my past. Now scrolling through facebook he isn't taging her in things but instead is trying to keep it low key. I dont know how I feel about this. I am filled with anxiety but I keep it to myself. He doesnt seem to ever turn the conversation into anything sexual or even out of hand, but none the less it is in fact wierding me out.
Her demeanor has been changing to top it off. She is now listening to the same music he is. She has been punching me in the arm playfully, and even feels like she is a little distant.
Last night however, she and I had sex and it was pretty fun. More positions involved, and very passionate. She has on multiple occasions now told me that she is not going anywhere and that she loves me.
I honestly dont think that she has in any way cheated on me physically but I do feel I am losing her at a mental stand point. Like she is drifting off, away from me. I also feel its mostly because of work, and this guy may or may not have backed off, but she has been talking less and less about him.
I think I should just back off, and see what happens. I have no control over what she does or doesn't do, but I still feel that she should not be having this close bond with another male. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.
@amanoffewwords,
Well I have a small chunk of advice but you might not see it as advice but here goes anyways.
You are doing what I call leashing. Its when you go above your normal behavior only because you think there is a threat lurking. But once this threat subsides so will you increased attention towards her.
Think of it like this, she may have been drifting because this guy gave her some attention she needed but you weren't providing it until you found out about him.
Now that you have been putting in a little extra attention your wife is coming around a little. But you still sense the threat.
I say you are leashing to attempt to keep her from straying. But honestly this doesnt work. If you need to convince her to stay with you then something is missing from you.
There is a trick here that is more effective and less leashing. Its to remember back to when you first got together and to reinitiate that back into your life with her. It doesn't matter what it was or how insignificant it might seem to you but it rekindles those memories for her.
@Krumple,
I dont think that is it. My attention for her has never wained. Our relationship when she gets home from work still feels very strong. I am wondering if I feel this way just because of the threat and because I dont see her very often. I brought this up last night a little bit, and we talked very calmly about it. She was telling me about her workers, and this guy gave her a gift. Something she and I both used but still kinda wierded me out. She and I are very close when she is around, this is why I feel I can trust her. However, like you stated I sense a threat, even though she assures me there is none.
I buy her flowers on a regular basis, I buy her small gifts and do what I can to make sure she feels loved by me. I am both physically and emotionally connected still and strongly. The distance is only in texts and digital responses, which I found out later last night was due to her using her apple watch, apparently its hard for her two write more than a few words at a time. I am thinking this is something I just have to wait and time will tell.
@amanoffewwords,
When was the last time you two were on vacation? It doesn't have to be big and expensive. You can even stay at home. But she spends a lot of time at work because - surprise! - your family needs the money.
So find a way to reconnect. And without your children, I might add. Just the two of you. Get your kids a sitter for a weekend or a weekend at Grandma's (of course this is different depending upon which child) or camp even, once the weather improves.
You have been parents and workers. You haven't done too much couple-y stuff, so far as I can tell. And don't tell me you buy flowers, etc. Anyone can buy flowers. Connect together, and not just sexually. Have some time where it is just the two of you and it's not weighted down with a boatload of obligations. And for God's sake, everybody turns their phones off during that period, except for one hour (one!) per day where you check in with the kids, and some sort of contingency plan in case there is an emergency. But otherwise, it's just the two of you.
@jespah,
Honestly, I do buy her flowers jewelry but I also stay up every night for when she gets off of work so I can spend time with her. When she has time off I spend as much time as possible with her. We connect, very often, I think your right though we do need to take some time just her and me.
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