Oh, the treachery of men!

I jumped out of the low-flying airplane and landed in the middle of the pristine Alaskan lake

I swam to shore and surveyed my surroundings. Breathtaking, to say the least. Towering pine trees surrounded the lake on three sides and behind me the mountain climbed upward into a cloudbank. I figured I had better get some clothes. But how? And where?

My thoughts were interrupted by a rhythmical pounding noise. It seemed to be coming from the mountain. I scampered upward and soon found myself standing on the edge of a clearing. In the middle of the clearing two massive caribou were engaged in a death match. They lowered their horns and charged each. I sat down on a fallen tree and watched. It was fascinating to see these magnificent creatures engaged in such an epic battle. Oh, how I longed for a box of popcorn!

And then an unexpected development occured. Their horns locked. The magnificent racks were so deeply intertwined that disengagement would stump the world's greatest puzzle solver. The two bull caribou snorted and pawed the ground, desperately trying to extract themselves from the grip of death, but all was lost. Soon the weakened beasts collapsed to the ground and great puffs of dirt were stirred by their labored exhalings.

I knew this was my chance to save myself. Racing into the clearing I dropped to my knees and covered the nostrils and mouth of one of the fallen beasts. His panicked eyes looked at me in an imploring fashion, almost as if he were saying, "Why me?", but it was necessary for me to kill him, so that I may live. I needed that friggin' fur. Soon his breathing stopped. I gently pulled his eyelids shut and wept silently. Then I turned to the other beast and repeated the process. His eyes looked at me in a quizzical fashion as if he were saying, "Me too?" But I needed the fur and bones from both of them to ensure my survival. Soon, he too was dead.

Picking up a nearby rock I smashed down on one of the antler sections and broke off an eight inch piece which I quickly fashioned into a crude knife. Then, working quickly, I cut open the belly of one of the beasts. The warm intestines spilled outward. Pulling opening the cavity I created a large enough opening for me to crawl inside. I had read this somewhere. This guy that was trapped in the wilderness had slept in the intestines of a bear. After I was snuggled comfortably in the intestines, I pulled the escaping intestines back around me, and only my head now appeared from the opening of the caribou.

But it started to get warm in a hurry. Then it occured to me. That guy that had slept in the grizzly bear was dealing with temperatures of 30 below zero. Here I was, wrapped in intestines, on a clear sunny day with the temperature approaching 70. I struggled to get out and at that point heard a voice. "What the hell is going on here!?"

I looked up and saw two park rangers staring at me. They both appeared to be quite shocked at seeing a capybara farmer's head sticking out of a dead caribou. Behind them a tour bus sat parked and all the occupants stared out the windows, open-mouthed.

I worked myself out of the caribou, stood up, and told the rangers of my Alaskan adventure. They looked at each other and finally the tall one with the glasses spoke. "Listen, old timer. You may think you're in Alaska, but this here is Yellowstone Park and I am placing you under arrest for willful destruction of park property."

The handcuffs were placed on me and they led me away. In a moment of clarity I realized what had happened. I thought back to the cab ride and how I had told the cabdriver of my Alaskan adventure plan and requested a ride to a private plane. Then the nap and being awakened by the cabbie and introduced to the pilot. I should have noticed the conspiratorial wink when the cabbie said to the pilot, "Drop this guy off in the Alaskan wilderness."

Yes, it is all clear now.

Gertrude came by and bailed me out. I'm back at the capybara farm now. Next week the trial begins.

Wish me luck.

Gustav