Am i really a bad dude?

My mind, it just hurts. Jeez. I don't know, it's just, I really thought I was nice enough, but do I just not deserve to be alive? There are a lot of things that scare me, being my own enemy is one of them. I feel like an enemy to myself, man. Like, I spend a lot of time suffering inside my own head and I feel like my own existence is really painful and useless. I don't know whether to love or hate myself, really. I always thought I would never commit suicide because I cherish being alive, but then again, I don't know if I deserve to. I think I'm just totally messed up. I'm stuck in a kind of limbo about it I guess. I don't want to but I feel I have to, for the sake of being one less piece of **** the world has to deal with. I sound like a total edgelord right now, I know. Just brain dumping I guess. I'm told that I hate people, I'm a racist, sexist, etc. I don't think I hate people. But then again, I don't decide who I hate, I guess. **** my life, dude. I just want a cat. My parents never let me have a cat, maybe I'd be happier if I had one. I'd be totally not in a hurry to get a girlfriend or whatever. I just want some love, but maybe I just don't deserve it. I never deserved to be happy, it seems. I'm just totally an asshat. ****, man.