Way too many feels

I'm unhappy in my two year relationship. He doesn't fulfill me emotionally. It takes me pulling away for him to care. I can't keep feeling like this. I wonder if it's my own fault. I'm 31, previously married to a soldier through two deployments, then lived with an abusive ptsd veteran for two years, before deciding to stay single for the next two. Alex is 26, and immature. Lots of red flags: brags about how rich he's gonna be some day (inheriting his dad's successful business) but he's going to work 80 hours a week and never be around. I want a family, children, and a dad who's home more often than not. And I just don't think he's going to be there like that. Also he loves to gamble, a lot, and drink, a lot. I'm all for drinking now, but once we have kids is he going to grow up? And he was raised with money and I wasn't. We have totally different expectations of success and happiness. I need to just leave him and be done with it. But I keep hoping that somehow it's going to work out. And then I just blame myself. It's gotta be me. I do have some serious issues of my own. I'm kinda crazy. I have anxiety, depression, ADD, insomnia, OCD, and fits of psychotic rage. Yeah, sounds fun right?! I drink too much, smoke weed, and lose my mind. I beat up myself, and my boyfriend. I literally threw my phone across the room once, hit his forehead and made him bleed. I slammed doors, threw tantrums, and bawled on the floor like a child when I didn't get my way. ******* crazy. But I'm not happy with him. I keep thinking, there has to be better than this. Than what I have. There has to be someone who will bring out the best in me, and not all my crazy. So how do I find that guy? Where is he? Has he gone through as much self discovery and improvement as I have? Has he dealt with unsuccessful ltr's and mental, physically, and phychological abuse? Do I want a guy that's gone through all that? If he's gone through it and learned how to overcome it and be successful despite it, then cool. But if he's still dealing with it, them I don't have time for that. I can't keep being with these lame ass guys who don't have their **** together. I need a real man who's going to put me in my place and tell me when I'm being a bitch, but not lock me in closet and tell me I can't leave or he'll kill himself. And also not someone who's going to tell me that I'm not as great as I think I am and to get over myself and stop acting like I'm better than everyone when really I hate everything about myself because all you ever do is point out my flaws. Just like my mother did. The one person who ever truly loved me was my dad. And he's gone now. I didn't much time with him but it was amazing. He always supported me and loved me and told me I was great no matter what. And he did everything he could to take care of my mom and I. And she dispised him. Too emotional-that's enough for now.