What do they mean when the cheater says?

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My husband and I high school sweethearts with been married 21 years together 26... I had a terrible childhood with an alcoholic mother never dealt with it and it all came down to having an affair with An alcoholic psychotic exactly like his mother. She sensed the pain he had and she used it like a game very similar to his mother. She lives in a different country she would fly all the way up to meet him When he was away for work trips she is extremely wealthy. When my husband was getting cold feet are trying to get out of it she would bring in a hooker and a video camera it escalated from there following us on family holidays coming to our city threatening us the family the kids. She moved her child to school in the same city and she lives nine hours away by plane!!! It was a game between. her and her husband they would hire private detectives on each other... She had access to all sorts of drugs tried to get him into it and thatis not his thing at all. She was always escalating and she couldn't get her way, threatening etc. my husband has been a great husband before this he was very down we had had three deaths in our family, as I said he had a shitty childhood with his mom had to shut her and he never dealt with it. My question is he says it had nothing to do with me, he was all messed up in the head. Has anyone else heard this what do they mean how can it not be about you when you are person who supposed to love. I am heartbroken could see the pain he was in at the time I asked him 1 million times what was wrong if it was an affair and he lied lied lied.

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@Sosad,

Given the weird pronouns you're using, it's hard to follow what you're saying.

The main thing I could glean from it is your husband had a crappy childhood and cheated with a woman a lot like his alcoholic mother. The other woman is now a crazy-ass stalker bitch who's threatening your husband, you, and your children. Plus the other woman has blackmail material on your husband.

Did I get it right?

Here are a few things:

Call the cops on the crazy stalker. Even if she has done nothing wrong (technically), and even if the cops resist, insist that they make a record. So that means filing a police report. Stalking laws are far stricter in this country than they were a few decades ago (and they barely existed then, anyway).
Your children's health, safety, and well-being is more important than anything else here. Why? Because they are innocent in all of this. Do what you need to do in order to protect them, whether it's moving, changing the locks, changing phone numbers, changing schools, etc. They don't deserve to be any more embedded in this two-bit drama than they already have been.
Get your husband to counseling. He needs it, to work out his childhood issues with his mother. Those may or may not have pushed him to cheat in the first place, but they certainly gave him an idea that taking crazy risks was, somehow, a kickass awesome thing to do.
Get yourself to counseling as well. Talk this out with a licensed, impartial professional. Notice how I'm not suggesting couples counseling? I am instead suggesting individual counseling because you are going to have some understandable fury about this mess. A counselor's office is a good, safe place to express that anger, and learn what to do with and about it.
Insist, at minimum, that your husband cut all contact with the crazy stalker. Why? Because she can use it to get at your husband, you, and your children. And remember #2, above? You need to protect your children and be their advocate, because somebody has to be the grownup in this insanity, and you have been unanimously elected to fill that role.
Figure out, with your husband, how to handle the blackmail material. That might involve another trip to the police station or it might involve coming out with the damaging information before the blackmailer can. See, blackmailers thrive on three things: fear, secrecy, and a power imbalance. If your husband steps up to the plate and tells whoever (family, business contacts, whoever might be affected) that, "I had an affair with this woman and she kept proof and is trying to blackmail me with it. It's sordid and I am unhappy with myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I am doing so because I don't want her to have any power over me and my family anymore." If he makes a statement like that, then he gets to control the narrative. And that shows courage and it exposes the secret and it destroys the crazy stalker's power. It takes a lot of guts to do that, and most people can't bring themselves to do it. That's why I've given you a script. But don't fault him if he doesn't want to do it. It can be really tough to do.

I hope this helps!

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@Sosad,

Your words were very hard to follow but I if I interpreted correctly, this wealthy woman is not the problem. It sounds like you don't think your husband has done anything wrong and you want to be with him no matter what he has done. Therein lies the rub. You feel heart-broken for him, the man who has victimized you? Psychotic may be the correct word.
Candlelight8

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@Sosad,

Your husband wanted excitement and he got it! From a woman who is like his mother. (A psychiatrist would have fun with that.)

Of course he is going to lie about this. He's a fool. This woman is crazy. You are wiping up this mess and he won't help.

Stop talking to him about this woman and see a counselor who can put this marriage back together -------IF that is what you want.

PS How old are you and husband?

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