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Sun 2 Oct, 2016 08:22 pm
Hi,
I have a situation with my spouse, looking up the signs for an affair, she seems to tick a lot of boxes, but swears on her childrens lives she hasn't had one, nor isn't.
We are currently separated, at which point, she told me she didn't love me, didn't want to have sex with me, etc. Since that time, we have sought counselling, both joint and separately, and have brought our relationship back to the point where we will reunite in two weeks.
My concerns are:
She is travelling with her daughter to another part of the country, her daughter is an adult. I am not invited, she said she needs mother/daughter time. She has said where she is going, but not exactly where.
She has a new phone, which is looked with a swipe sequence, she was going to attend a work function at night, but fell ill and didn't go, I wasn't invited.
She is very careful about how she dresses, has changed her hair colour
several times, wants to attend a gym, etc, etc.
We spoke recently, and the whole talk was about money. She asked how much I had, as we have had our own accounts. She also asked about moving house, and me buying her a more expensive engagement ring ($3,000).
I saw her phone once, and in it, was a picture of her, sent to a man at work, which was for a Linkedin profile supposedly. Also, no text messages existed on her phone from or to him, although the online accounting showed that they had texted about 150 times each over about 9 months. One day, there were 10 from her to him.
My questions are:
If she is having an affair, which I cannot prove currently, why reunite?
Is she taking me for a ride for extra money, and then will say it is over again?
What is the deal with the texting, why wipe them? Her answer was that she thought I would be upset with any messages from men.
She also said that she had only sent about 10 messages to this man, contrary to the account evidence. I haven't pointed this out to her yet.
She gets to travel around in a car most days, so I have no real idea what she does.
Any ideas anyone?
Thank you for your input
These are questions that you ought to ask IN FRONT OF THE COUNSELOR.
Insist on honesty from her.
@helppleasethanks,
I agree with Punkey, if you are both having councelling and are aiming at trying again, then you both have to be honest with each other.
Having said that and having been separated myself some years back, the first thing I did was change the colour of my hair. That's a start to feel better about yourself, no love, love yourself.. Gym would have been my second but I work too many hours and am happy within myself in any event, or was, no still am
In-other-words some of the thoughts you are having about her changes does not mean she has done this as she is having an affair.
@helppleasethanks,
helppleasethanks wrote:
My questions are:
If she is having an affair, which I cannot prove currently, why reunite?
Is she taking me for a ride for extra money, and then will say it is over again?
What is the deal with the texting, why wipe them? Her answer was that she thought I would be upset with any messages from men.
She also said that she had only sent about 10 messages to this man, contrary to the account evidence. I haven't pointed this out to her yet.
She gets to travel around in a car most days, so I have no real idea what she does.
talk to your wife about these things - in a counselling session
given the lack of trust you seem to be feeling, I don't see that this would be a good time to re-unite
both of you still have work to do
Thank you all for your kind advice, I realise there are trust and doubt issues. Which is why I am posting. I would appreciate some advice on her behaviour, and what it signifies, as that concerns me a lot. She presents herself as honest, but obviously there are issues with that. My EQ is not high, so it is difficult for me to come up with an assessment, which is why I need your help. Any further suggestions, besides the counselling angle?
YOU are not a trained therapist, so stop trying to figure this out.
Let a professional lead the discussion and you can make up your mind whether she is a good-digger or she really loves you enough for a reconciliation.
Hi,
I have spoken with the counsellor about these issues, I have also bought up the
messages with her. She said there were about 10, in fact there were at least 150 from her to him, and probably the same in return.
How do you know someone is genuine, and what motivation would there for her to reunite if she is doing something else? I am not sure how the female mind works, so any advice would be appreciated. Could it be that whatever else she had going didn't work out, so she is falling back to our relationship by default. I know she doesn't like to be alone, so maybe that is preferable for her, rather than ending it, with nothing to go to.
Thanks for all your advice, it is appreciated.
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