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Relationship advice - Am I wrong to feel this way??!

 
 
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 11:12 am
I’ve been in a relationship with a man for a year; we’re both in our 30’s. We have one issue that causes a lot of fights between us and he keeps acting like I’m the crazy one. I don’t want to talk to my friends about this hence why I’m here posting anonymously. I would really appreciate your advice/insight.

My man is really good friends with his ex. There are no kids between them. I understand that I can’t tell him that he can’t talk to her but this friendship drives me crazy and he knows this. What’s most infuriating is he knows this but blows it off.

Now, he keeps thinking I’m upset because he thinks that I think he’s cheating. This is not the case…I don’t (and have told him this over and over) think he’s cheating on me with her. I do think they are just friends. What drives me crazy is that I feel he’s not being respectful to me and still treating her like more than a friend. I can’t get him to understand that I feel his behavior is disrespectful to me and that he shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. I feel he needs to pull back and treat her as only a friend.

Here’s why I feel this way: 1) when we get in a fight, he sometime leaves and spends the night at her house. This is beyond unacceptable to me. He denies it but I see on his phone that she’s saying come over. (yes, I admit I have looked at his phone several times. I know it’s wrong but I’m human and do these things every now and then). I know he has a key to her house still (they lived together for 4 years) but again he keeps telling me I’m crazy and this is a key to a storage unit…I don’t buy this bs. Again, I don’t think he’s f*cking her, I just think this is a not correct to do. Am I wrong?! He should NOT have a key to her house. Whether I trust you or not this is not right. 2) The level at which they talk…which is all the time, not daily but weekly. He denies this but I see it on his phone. Technology now a day’s shows when you make a call and whose called you. 3) For almost a year now he’s still kept her pet name in his phone “sweetheart”. I have asked him repeatedly to put her real name in and not this as they’re not together anymore. Because I ask him he won’t do it. Finally after a month long fight he finally changed it. He thinks this is stupid and hey maybe most guys think it is stupid as we are together but for me it’s not and I find it disrespectful. Mind you he has never put my name in his phone and he doesn’t because he knows I want him too. 4) I work full time and I’d like to spend the weekend with my man. Am I bizarre to think this is normal? Well one Saturday night they meet up over at her house (yes, I read this on his phone) . Listen if he wants to meet her and catch up then his ass needs to do it when I’m at the gym and not on a weekend night. Am I the crazy one to ask this of him? 5) In some of his messages he’s all ‘hey beautiful, sweet girl…I know I keep repeating myself but is this crazy for me to ask him to not do this: he’s with me! He should be addressing her by her real name and I should be the only one he calls beautiful and perfect. Oh and I don’t know this for certain but I believe she doesn’t even know about me as they don’t talk about personal stuff: again this is total bullsh*T…I could go on but I think you all get the gist.

As an adult I have to accept the fact he will have a relationship with her but I think it this is too much. For me this behavior is beyond a friend. Listen, if she needs something fixed at her house then it’s about time she call another guy friend of hers…

He also had a female client that he was messaging all the time. “Good night, sweet dreams, good morning”, she’s sending him pics of herself and he’s taking pics of her kids when they all meet up. His response was she’s a client and he’s just playing the game…he knows how she is and he was playing along. Ok, fine…I get sales and I know how some women are (I was like this when I was 20 too). Actually, this doesn’t bother me so much as I do believe him but he should tell me this but he thinks his work is none of my business. If he wants to play this game then he should be upfront and tell me. Am I wrong?

We are now ending our relationship because of this. He keeps telling me he’s never cheated on me and that I need to get confident in myself to believe that a man would never cheat on me. That I need to stop my investigations. I keep saying I don’t think he’s cheating on me but his actions are disrespectful to me and our relationship…that this is not normal.

Please am I crazy to ask for such respect? Gentlemen/Ladies-are his actions disrespectful?

Or because I trust him do I just try to not let this bother me and accept his actions...

I feel like my feelings aren't taken into consideration. If the roles were reversed I would want to make my man feel as comfortable as possible. If he needed me to back off from some guy then no problem for me...

I think I’m going to show him the replies to this…I feel like I have no other option. If I could afford it I would take us to counseling. He doesn’t talk to anyone about our issues as he believes it should just be discussed between us. Really, I’m at a loss and I don’t know how I can get him to understand my side…but hey maybe he does understand.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 802 • Replies: 8
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ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 11:24 am
@JennyJ1234,
Sounds like the two of you aren't really a good match.

You need different things than he has on offer. Whether or not any of us agree with him or with you - what matters is that the two of you are not in sync.

You're not going to change, are you? if you're not going to change your demands/needs/requirements, why should he change? *




* I don't think either of you should try to change for the other. You both need to accept who you are and move on to new, more appropriate partnerships.


Separately, your time spent reviewing his phone msgs etc would be a deal-breaker for me.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 12:21 pm
@JennyJ1234,
Do either one of you ever believe what the other says? He says you think he is cheating, you tell him you don't think so. He tells you he didn't spend the night at her place, you call him a liar. He tells you the key that you are concerned about is not to her house, you call him a liar. You accuse him of talking to her all the time, he tells you that he does not. (He talks to her weekly, per your post, and you believe that is all the time? Seriously?) You get upset (rightly so) about a pet name in his phone and he does finally take it out then you are upset that he doesn't put your name in his phone at all? Then you accuse him of not doing so simply because you want him to put it there? (Are you sure that is really worth fighting over?) You get mad over one (ONE??) saturday night that he does not spend with you?

And as far as calling someone "beautiful" or "sweet girl" or any such thing, let me just say that I've been married for 34+ years and I still address women I am close to by calling out (or texting) "hey there beautiful." Thank God my wife is a bit less picky about this than you are.

Quote:
Oh and I don’t know this for certain but I believe she doesn’t even know about me
You are correct, you do not know that for certain.

Look, you have some valid points, IF he spends the night at her place, IF he has a key to her house, IF he talks to her all the time (weekly is not all the time.) Maybe he just wasn't ready for a new relationship. Or maybe you are being so jealous that you figure he must be lying to you when he answers your concerns.

Either way, the bottom line is that ehBeth is correct. The two of you just are not going to be good for each other.

Quote:
We are now ending our relationship because of this.
I think this is a good idea. Good luck.
JennyJ1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 12:47 pm
@ehBeth,
Yes, I guess I do need to accept he will never change nor will I.

The reason why I started looking at his phone was because he left for a couple of nights and wouldn't tell me where he was. I was curious and confused as to what was going on. He's the type that will not tell me where he's going even if it's to the grocery store.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 12:53 pm
@JennyJ1234,
JennyJ1234 wrote:
He's the type that will not tell me where he's going even if it's to the grocery store.


yeah - that's the type of woman I am

__

Don't look at other people's phones. Just don't.

And find someone who is more suited to you.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 12:55 pm
@JennyJ1234,
JennyJ1234 wrote:
The reason why


other than thinking someone might be in danger, I can't think of any good reason to look at their phone
0 Replies
 
JennyJ1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 01:01 pm
@CoastalRat,
Hi CoastalRat,

Valid points.

I do know he has spent the night because he has admitted to it. But he keeps doing it even though I tell him I find it unacceptable. He did it 3 weeks ago and denies it even though there are clear messages between them that he's going over there. And it's not only one Sat. night...it's happened more than this but I didn't want to write everything down as I wanted to try and keep it simple.

There was a period where he didn't have a car and was using her car and claiming that it's not hers that it was his guy friends. This womans work is a block from my gym, I know her car. I don't care if he uses her car it's the lying part that upsets me.

Again you're both right this will never change and I guess we aren't right for each other.

0 Replies
 
JennyJ1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 01:04 pm
@ehBeth,
JennyJ1234 wrote:
He's the type that will not tell me where he's going even if it's to the grocery store.

yeah - that's the type of woman I am

Don't look at other people's phones. Just don't.

And find someone who is more suited to you.

Ah Beth- here's the kicker, he wants me to tell him where I go when I go out....
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2016 04:56 pm
@JennyJ1234,
It sounds like more of a mismatch with each post eh
0 Replies
 
 

 
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