Need some advice on what choice to make

Im a 19 year old guy. Ihaven't ever dated any girls but i do feel very lonely. It’s not that I’m ugly or even unconfident, but I’m very selective. And i feel like il never ever meet what i think of as a soul mate. This brings forward the problem. Although I'm lonely i have learnt to be strong and handle it, but i also want to experience sex for the first time.

I’ve always told myself that I’m strong and will wait for my partner to do it, because i strongly believe that it’s supposed to be a special thing and not worth wasting with any random encounter. Not that i am even able to get a random encounter because I’m so socially awkward and a loner. So I’ve been thinking about just getting it over with, maybe paying for it. But my beliefs are what i live by and i strongly follow them, and they make it a huge problem for me. My parents have been fighting and it’s affected me since i was 11, and throughout I’ve become isolated and learnt to deal with everything on my own. I have friends but i can never seem to have best friends out of my own perspective. I keep losing friends, they just abandon me, and again i learn to just deal with everything alone. So i don’t have anyone to talk to about these things.

And being alone i always find my strength by believing i will make it to the top, no matter what, and won’t ever get pushed down by people again. And i do succeed; I’m a straight A student and always have been throughout my High school and college, and im currently at the top of my batch and alot of my fellow batch mates respect me and look upto me as a leader. But i always have to prove myself, and feel like I’m always second. I’ve been overshadowed by both best friends I’ve had throughout in school first and then college. Both of them are very good looking and everyone always likes them, and i feel worthless. i always ended up having to prove how good i am for people to finally respect me. So i hate being second. My biggest crush also made me feel like I’m a second option. She was very nice but when I asked her out she told me she was recovering from a bad breakup and didn’t want to date anyone. But later she was back dating and I felt like trash. So I really do hate feeling second.

So I tell myself I’m strong and wait for someone but I’m worried that I won’t find someone because they aren’t a virgin. It’s that feeling of being second and too late, to know that she has already done it with someone else breaks me. I really don’t know what to do here because my beliefs tell me to wait for the best but I’m also worried that I’m wasting my prime years, and should just do it so that it won’t ruin a relationship for me in the future just because she’s not a virgin. Yet again, I feel like if i do go out and get it over with, im going against the very things that drive me, and then i wont feel like i won in life. So im extremely confused.

Anyway, sorry for the long post i just wanted to see what ideas i can find.