Why did she act this way

Why can't I move on?
Sorry if this is a bit too long, but I could do with some help to understand it all -

After being together for 18 yrs my partner and I split in the most horrid circumstances. We were both married previously, she had 3 kids, I had 1. Her daughter, 9 at the time, lived with us although that wasn’t the plan originally, my daughter stayed with my wife, her 2 sons stayed with her ex husband.

I worked away from home for 15 yrs in the mid east, spending a max of only 3 months each year in the UK because of tax laws. I managed to buy 8 of houses cash for rental purposes, 1 each for her children as they are now in their 20’s, my daughter met a guy and they brought one of their own. ‘We’ rented them to them for minimal rates to give them a start in life. I say we because my ex ran the rental side of the ‘business’ and had complete control of all the money coming in from them without question from me. This lasted until we broke up 10 weeks ago.

I’d retired last June and I could tell it was starting to go wrong almost immediately. I’d said before I retired (I’m 58) that we would have to live within our means ie via the rental income as the mid east, tax free money was no longer going to be earned and it would be saved as our retirement plan. This was agreed upon by us both as the reason to be able to retire. She never worked in all the time we were together, using the rental income etc etc.

Over time since retirement we had many arguments about money, mainly because her children’s rental was increased to a more ‘market rate’ – agreed upon by her prior to retirement – but they complained about it.

She constantly took their side and I found out that she had not actually been taking rent from them at all for yrs, instead she was giving thousands back to them all without me knowing anything about it. After she’d left (I’ll explain in a minute) I found bank books hidden in the house for all 3 kids where they had thousands in each account paid in from their Mother’s accounts. You could argue I was naive not to keep a check on the money, but I trusted her, I was working for our retirement, I thought she was doing the same by managing the rental income each month.

The break up was caused after another series of rows where she used the usual lever of threatening to sell our house and walk away with 50% which she was entitled to. Every time this had been used before over the years I’d caved in and brought her something or her kids to make the peace. I lost my friends and family and especially my daughter during all this period as they saw me deteriorate into a bloke with no principles and no back bone to stand up to her.

But that week in early April I’d had enough and called her bluff and said ok, sell it and lets part. For the next 3 days I was subjected to horrid abuse and total freezing out by her and her family. It came to a head on April 10th, a Sunday morning when I ecided to take the dogs for a walk on the beach. She said no I f**** well couldn’t and I said they were our dogs, I could take them if I chose. She attacked me with a mug and a saucepan, kicking, spitting, and trying to hit me whilst I held her wrists to try and stop her. All the time she was yelling she f**** hates me over and over. She ran out of puff and I let go of her wrists. She started to stare at me intensly for about 5-6 seconds then walked round the kitchen to the drawer, pulled a bread knife out and attacked me again, this time at my stomach area whilst yelling she was going to f**** well kill me with each thrust. She again ran out of puff, so I relaxed my restraining her and she then thrust upwards towards my face. I put my hand up to protect myself and the blade broke on my knuckle with my finger cut down to the bone and fell to the floor. She then calmly walked round to the kitchen and resumed what she had been doing.

My t-shirt was ripped to shreds from the knife, my hand was bleeding badly so I left the house and called my brother. He said I have to go to the police because she would try it again when I got home, so after about 30 mins I went and reported the incident. My intent was to get a burly couple of cops to come to my house with me and tell her to stop this, but they took it upon themselves to go arrest her, held her in a cell overnight and released her the next day charging her with assault and ABH with a knife. She was and still is bailed not to come back to the house or near me until the court date the 28.7.16.

She went to her daughters house, a house I own and let her rent for next to nothing and stayed there for 5 weeks until her solicitor advised her to move out at which time the daughter, her boyfriend and my ex moved 500yds from where I live, where we both used to live, and rented a place there.

I’ve received many letters from her solicitor (I’ve hired my own now) where she’s accused me of making her homeless and is demanding financial compensation. The day after she was bailed she was escorted by the police back to the house to collect some personal belongings where she took items, jointly owned and also owned solely by me + pictures of me and my late parents worth some £9000. A week later she ran up a credit card bill for £11,300 that I am responsible for but I’d received a solicitors letter 2 weeks prior to that stating that our relationship was over and there was no intent from her at a reconciliation. My solicitor stated that she was breaking the law doing this but she denied spending the money at all. We produced the credit card statement with her card number being used and sent that to her solicitor - proving she’s lying.

So – why am I still so sad about her, why do I not hate her and can’t bring myself to hate her, and why can’t I get it through my head that somebody who I loved and worked my backside off for could do something like this to me.

She’s clearly been stealing from us and giving it to her children for yrs, and then when I started asking questions as to where the money goes each month so we could live within our 'new means', it culminated in her losing it completely and actually trying to kill me.

Believe me when I say this, had I not been strong enough to stop her she would have knifed me in the stomach. She deliberately stopped and thought about what to do next when the mug and saucepan didn’t hurt me enough so decided upon a knife. I've never layer a finger on her in all the time we had been together - it's just not me, I was brought up different to that.

So why can’t I let go, why can't I hate her for what she’s done and believe that she doesn’t still love me and maybe never really did?

If I could answer that question, I could try and move on. I don’t want to hate her, I just can’t seem to do it, I want to understand why she did it after all I’d done for her and her children. I guess I want some form of closure even if it's from her telling me she was conning me all along. At least then I could understand.

I'd often asked her who the real her was because she was so inconsistent on many, many occasions and would fly into a sulking period over nothing for days and days at a time until I brought her affection via a gift or a holiday or something for her children.

I hope I don’t sound arrogant when I say this, but it’s so damn unfair. I’ve been treated so badly and don’t deserve my life to be ruined in the process. I did nothing but give, give, give for 15 yrs of my life and pushed my old life, family and friends away to keep her happy.

Somebody please help me understand and give me something I can relate to because I am so bloody sad and lonely.

thanks, Dibble