Thu 31 Mar, 2016 12:16 pm
TL;DR: Move on to help someone else, I need an answer that encompasses the whole picture, not just answers to pieces, for which I would have just simply used other forum member's answers. But they don't apply. The pieces don't make the whole.
I've searched the internet in forums for help, and my situation seems to be unique enough that I cannot extrapolate from others' recommendations by stitching together pieces of each perons' advice. Instead I believe each area of my life is an important factor I need to integrate to arrive at the solution I'm looking for.
Section 1 is my disability.
Section 2 is my job history.
Section 3 is my political view and how it interferes.
Section 4 is my education and career goals.
I'm disabled, I receive SSI checks every month of an amount less than $400. I get this for being labeled bipolar. I'm also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
My meta-cognitive perspective is limited, but in my view my only problem is that I cannot control my actions when my emotions become powerful (which happens mildly often; twice a week during work/school hours for a few hours) such that I get overly angry and break things or yell at colleagues and coworkers.
Over the years I've gotten slightly better at apologizing, and reeling in my anger, especially lately ever since I quit taking medications, many of my symptoms have faded and gotten better.
I've quit every job I've ever had within 3 months of working. I tried VERY hard this most recent time, with the significant change of being quit off nicotine for 7 months now. I thought this would finally be different. But then an episode happened at work and I blew up on our district manager. Too afraid to face reprucussions, I quit. This always happens, I don't know how to stop it. I've given up over-analyzing this aspect because I cling to the hope that it's not terribly relevant.
My friends, family, and school counslers have all informed me that it's not too relevant because perhaps people of my caliber just can't handle the enormous stress that fast-food imposes on me. I keep a cool head for customers until I build up and build up and then pop like a volcano. I'm urged to find a career outside of fast food, and reassured that I will handle a non-people oriented job stress better, since the large majority of my stress is because I hate humans.
I hate capitilism. I distrust democracy. I don't believe in free-will or choice (I believe in determinism). I won't go into the details unless someone finds them imperative, but lest to say, these are my opinions. They are backed by deeply entrenched schema, and I do not like having these opinions, I wish I didn't hate and distrust the system I'm living in... but I cannot convince myselft I'm wrong even though I've viewed plenty of media from capitilism and democracy supports, I'm just not logically convinced; I always have a counter to each point, one I cannot simply wish away, one my mind firmly believes in.
Because of this, I try not to think of it too often, I steer clear of anything that provokes political debate or discussion, and most importantly, I avoid companies that have a "For the company!" attitude. I cannot stand them. I can be apethetic at best, and I become a social justice warrior at my worst. The moments when I can suspend my beliefs, I can work for a company as long as they don't pressure me to be a capitlist advocate for profit. I don't mind them profiting, as long as they don't wave it in my face....
I *AM* open to other coping strategies, but I feel time is better spent elsewhere. The reason I even bring this up is because it comes up more often than I would have ever anticipated. I didn't realize just how entrenched american's way of thinking are in every faucet of life. Especially in the job marketplace. The effect this has upon me is continually making me feel outcast (them vs me; me vs the entire world) so I cannot connect and cooperate, and disheartening and depressing me to intense levels because of my inadequacy (why can't I just conform and be done with it? whats wrong with me?)
I am 1 semester of 15 semester units away from an associates in computer science, and meeting the requirements to transfer to a CSU or UC (California public universities), but I am all out of Pell Grant, I'm nearly maxed out on federal loan (currently at $35,000) and my gpa is only 2.8 so I don't qualify for many scholarships etc.
Currently I've wasted (spent) the past two semesters chasing a program recommended to me to land me a job that would have enabled me to finally work, and then just pay my way through college. ETEC, or electrical and instrumentation technician. However it's replete with homophobes and blue-collar grunts that I cannot for the life of me (almost literally if my eating habits reflect my ability to get a job) get along with. The material is dreadful for me. I *could* grin and bear it to finish the course material, no doubt, and I do have straight A's for the first time in my life (Turns out I'm pretty good at this stuff) but I don't like it, and more importantly, I don't think I could manage landing a job without learning how to become a great actor (my disabilities hinder that ability, or so I blame them) and faking a blue-collar belief system.
I want to get a bachelors in computer science with focus on machine learning or artificial intelligence, I want to persue a PhD in neuroengineering or perhaps synthetic biology from a automation perspective (apply my computer science knowledge in machine learning)
I know I have the capability to perform well *enough* academically. My friend completed his master's in mathematics and I'm not bothered by intellectual rigor. What gets me is effort. My mind jumps subjects rapidly and often, and once I'm hooked to a project, I cant do homework or anything else in life until I complete said project. Examples are: learning HTML, building a Unity game, making a Terraria mod, building my own D&D campaign world from scratch, etc..
Not sure if this is relevant: Oh yeah, also, I believe but cannot prove that my inability to do homework or apply effort to things is a side effect of my medication and not naturally part of my personality. I could be wrong though.
I was offered a spot on Job Corps for Office Assistant, even though I'm 26 years old, due to my disability I could attend anyways. It's a 6 month program. I also recently acquired a lump sum of money and I could afford to get a loan for the remainder and attend a san francisco programmer's bootcamp. (I live in bay area, and by the way HATE it here. Too crowded. I have strong road-rage and can't handle crowded places which prevents me from going shopping etc.)
My school has a 100 unit limit, and because of my remedial studies and wasted units in ETEC and many many many withdrawls I'm currently at 89 units attempted. I get to do one more semester before I'm out. I could just grit my teeth and finish ETEC because thats what my father wanted me to do. I could complete my associtates in computer science and get ready to transfer to CSU, and just be ready so that whenever I can afford to attend CSU I can go get my bachelors, I could do Job Corps... I could always just die which is looking ever more friendly and its what the internet wants me to do from my analysis of most people's responses to forum posters in similar situations. But alas dry sarcasm aside (with hint of truth)
I make this post and hope for holistic advice (not psuedoscience, I mean ecological-format as in taking whole picture into account rather than just a piece)
Thankyou for reading this much. May concision become a virtue I will hold one day in the future.
I would suggest that you pursue a career that doesn't require you to work with other people.
That's about all I can offer as advice after reading your post.
Also, try to get your GPA higher.