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An essay about extinction, would love some feedback

 
 
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 12:18 pm
I'm pretty new at making essays and I was wondering If could get some comments and maybe some help making a better essay. Thank you very much!

Nowadays, thanks to the continuous promotion of awareness exerted by environmental organizations, its common knowledge that many species on earth are constantly under the threat of extinction, however, despite all the efforts the existence of endangered species is still a problem very much in the present, which/this(not sure) leads us to question the genesis of the problem and why humans seem to have the tendency to disregard other animals and nature in general.

From one perspective, you could say human beings are empathically challenged when it comes to understanding the animal’s point of view, this is due to our species position in the food chain, because we happen to be on the top the feeling of having your life dependent on the actions of another species is unknown to us, consequentially we end up ignoring any possible repercussions our actions might have on other animals. From another perspective, it’s possible that most people that live in urban locations, such as cities, have never even seen an animal aside from those common in households like cats, dogs and birds, since there’s no connection whatsoever between them and endangered species there’s no emotional urgency in addressing the problem.

In conclusion, I believe that, even though creating awareness has been successful so far, it might not be enough to help avoiding the extinction of another species and perhaps thinking of another way to approach the public with this issue is the best idea, for example, promoting day trips or excursions to animal shelters in schools could help create more respect for other species in future generations of human beings.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 1,174 • Replies: 14
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Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 12:28 pm
@jupiwolf,
Your conclusion is wrong. We are emphatically challenged with other groups of humans to that are not from our "tribe". People that don't share the same set of beliefs and behaviour. Modern Internet is the best place to see it. Its mud fighting 90% of the time.
As for disregarding things at large lets just say humans have trouble with abstraction and complexity. We developed in small groups and always have had trouble with the abstraction of a large group, the idea of State, the Res Publica, or for the same reason, complex systems of laws at large. We neglect nature because we are short sighted and tend to trade off immediate short term gain instead of seeking long term stable reward. Also the democracy of capitalism which abides by the market rules and through them by the minimum common denominator, doesn't help in a time we reach 7 billion and have worldwide impact in everything. Perhaps the little monkey homo sapiens is yet another monkey doomed to fail...at the moment there isn't much reason to be confident in the future.
jupiwolf
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 12:35 pm
@Fil Albuquerque,
Thank you for your insight, but I was hoping I could have an opinion on the structure and grammar not the content itself.
Although I do agree with most of what you just said, and I imagine there are many other perspectives than the ones I wrote about, the essay has a word limit and I can't really go too much in depth on the subject.
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 12:37 pm
@jupiwolf,
In spite of continual promotion of awareness by environmental organizations, it's commonly acknowledged that many species are constantly under threat of extinction very much in the present, leading us to ask why humans seem to disregard other animals--if not all nature
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 01:25 pm
@jupiwolf,
maybe if youd explain how the food web is really a WEB. (Many species depend upon the existence of others).

I dont think its wrong, maybe just a bit incomplete in its analysis

PS, it is kinda short and theres not much development of the issue

farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 01:27 pm
@farmerman,
BTW, extinction is an integral mechanism for evolution.
0 Replies
 
rosborne979
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 07:48 pm
@jupiwolf,
There was a time on this planet when we had to fight for our lives to prevent being killed by predators. Now we must go out of our way just to avoid obliterating entire species through mere neglect.

The threat humanity poses to the biosphere of Earth has little to do with any intent to harm animals or even a disregard for their welfare. Over all I find that people like animals and like having them around. The problem is that our presence on the planet alters the environment too rapidly for most species to adapt. And we are not willing to give up our behaviors such that the environment is unaffected by our presence. This is a starkly different motivator than simple disregard (or animosity) toward animals or anything else.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 07:55 pm
I wrote a big lot but then erased it, found myself not getting stuff I wanted to post.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Feb, 2016 09:11 pm
@rosborne979,
How about bombs that destroys everything in its wake?
0 Replies
 
moucon
 
  0  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 07:06 pm
@jupiwolf,
Like most beginners- your prose is very "fluffy" -unecessary wordiness that detracts from the points you're trying to make. Also be *very* careful of unproven assertions. My comments in brackets below, with a clean edit at the end.... Please don't take any of my comments personally - you asked for feedback, and I'm trying to pass on to you what my editors taught me 30 yrs ago ;-)

----- COMMENTS in [..] [ALL CAPS TO SEPARATE- NOT SHOUTING ;-) ] ------------
[CUT Nowadays,] thanks to the continuous promotion [CUT ...of awareness exerted by] environmental organizations [WHO?] , its common knowledge [IT IS?] that many species on earth are [CUT constantly] under the threat of extinction, however, despite all the efforts the existence of endangered species[ENDANGERED SPECIES ARE A STATE-OF BEING] is still a problem very much in the present, which/this(not sure) leads us to question the genesis [JUST SAY 'SOURCE'] of the problem and why humans seem to [CUT have the tendency ] to disregard other animals and nature in general. [ THIS IS AN UNSUPPORTED ASSERTION - WHO, HOW MANY, ETC ARE DOING THAT? OTHERWISE, IT'S JUST YOUR OPINION, NOT A FACT]

[CUT From one perspective] you could say human beings are empathically challenged[WORDY-WRONG WORD] when it comes to understanding the animal’s point of view [THIS IS PROJECTION - THERE IS NO PROOF THAT LESSER-SPECIES HAVE A 'POINT OF VIEW'] , this is due to our species position in the food chain, because we happen to be on the top the feeling of having your life dependent on the actions of another species is unknown to us, consequentially we end up ignoring any possible repercussions[WORDY/W.W] our actions might have on other animals[[PARAGRAPH]] From another perspective, it’s possible that most people that[WW- WHO] live in [CUTurban locations, such as ] [URBAN LOCATIONS ARE CITIES] cities, have never even seen an animal aside from those common in households [WORDY]like cats, dogs and birds, since there’s no connection whatsoever between them and endangered species there’s no emotional urgency in addressing the problem.[WORDY - SEE RE-WRITE BELOW]

In conclusion, I believe that, [CUTeven though ] creating awareness has been successful so far, it might not be enough to help avoiding the extinction of anothe species and perhaps thinking of another way to approach the public with this issue is the best idea, [HERE WE GO OFF THE RAILS - YOU SHOULD HAVE INTRODUCED THE PROBLEM-SOLUTION STRUCTURE EARLIER IN THE PIECE - SEE RE-WRITE BELOW ] for example, promoting day trips or excursions to animal shelters in schools could help create more respect for other species in future generations of human beings.


NOTE 1 - Use your own organizations - I just pulled some from the telly ]
[NOTE 2 - I've introduced the question up-front - so now the reader is expecting your last paragraph ;-) ]
[NOTE 3 - I really think you could pad this out with more actual examples - a trip to an animal shelter might be good for kids - but they are not going to see endangered species at an animal shelter. A zoo or a managed habitat - maybe. But not a dog/cat shelter. . YOur conclusion needs some work ;-)

------------- START EDIT - REWRITE DRAFT 2----------------------
Despite dire around-the-clock dire warnings from environmental organizations such as Green Peace, Save the Whales, and the World Wildlife Federation, "endangered species" of animals - with many facing complete extinction, remains a growing present-day problem. Why is this happening, and what can humans do to reverse the trend?

One perspective is because of our position near the top of the food chain, human beings tend not to care about lesser species. With the exception of the occasional "mauled by a bear" movie, most of us have never had to think about our survival being dependent on the actions of other animals. So, we ignore any possible repercussions of our actions on other species.

Another perspective: Since most humans live in urban areas, the only animals they're familiar with are domestic - dogs, cats, and the occasional bird. We have never seen and have no connection to endangered animal species, and therefore have no emotional urgency to address the problem.

In conclusion, even though organizations have been successful creating awareness, awareness alone is not enough to help avoid the extinction of another species. Perhaps the best idea is thinking of another way to approach the public. For example, promoting day trips or excursions to animal shelters for school children could help create more respect for other species among future generations of humans.

------------- END OF EDIT DRAFT 2 -------------------

cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 08:09 pm
@moucon,
"State of being?" It should be "state of extinction."
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  0  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 11:37 am
@ossobuco,
Quote:
I wrote a big lot but then erased it
Yea Oss I find myself doin' that a lot
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 12:00 pm
@moucon,
Delete one dire from the first sentence.
0 Replies
 
Finn dAbuzz
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 05:48 pm
@jupiwolf,
Not bad but it ignores the reality that millions of people count themselves as animal lovers.

It's not a matter of getting people to appreciate animals as much as it is a matter of getting them to reconcile their professed, albeit shallow, love for animals with the very real straits facing the animals they love.

If someone is so thick that they have no emotional response to animals, no matter how many day trips you plan, you won't change their minds.

The key is to target the people who say they love animals but act in a way that harms them.

Finn dAbuzz
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 05:50 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
Your structure doesn't need advice, your content does.
0 Replies
 
 

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