I NEED HELP!!!!

There's an easy test. Take it to an abandoned, empty field, with no cars, buildings or people around. Throw it as far as you can. Wait six hours. If it has not returned to you by then, I'm afraid it's a goner. Burials at sea, or Viking funerals, are always appropriate.

Just for your information, both my rocks have very, very slow heartbeats. Not that most rocks mind being buried. Sometimes, they welcome it as a grand homecoming.

You are all very good people

Only when it comes to pets - even tarantulas.