first time relationship, secret, and only one partner is still in the "honeymoon" phase. halp.

I am currently in a relationship where I am still in the "honeymoon" or "cupcake" stage of it, and my partner is beyond that, and I don't know how to cope with him not having the same excitement I do.

About One-and-a-half years ago I had my first gay sexual experience with with him, a new friend I had made in college. It became a daily thing for us for a semester, then one day we went too far with it. It freaked me out BC I had suppressed all gay up till this point and was forced to deal with it. He was in love with me, but all I could think about when I saw him was how disgusted I was with myself. I up and left him and hurt him so badly in the process.

Next semester I mostly ignored him, pandering to his attention seeking from me only once or twice, and I re-suppressed my gay.

Near the end of that semester, he started using grindr for hookups, both of us still closeted.

I came out the next semester on full-blast, and started using grindr too. We both hooked up with quite a few people, and eventually found our way back to each other and became friends with benefits.

It eventually turned into a real relationship and we stopped having sex with strangers.

It took awhile to turn sex back into bonding and not just some activity you did with whomever you could, but now we are struggling again.

Before and after utterly rejected him because of our early sexual encounters, he hung on my every word and idealized me so much. Now that we are in a relationship, he has already been through the "honeymoon" stage, but I'm just getting into it.

I text him too much, get jealous when he hangs out with others (platonically), constantly ask him little questions and ponder on what he was like before I knew him, always want to hold hands, have a much higher sex drive than him, and am always touching to the point where he is annoyed. All things he did before I freaked out and ignored him for 6 months.

He says he misses doing "normal things" with me like going out to eat, watching movies, and just talking. I say that I'm not looking to edge those things out, but my infatuation is too much for him sometimes.

To make it even worse, it's a secret relationship BC he is not out. He is afraid to hold hands publicly anywhere but the car.

I thought maybe he was done with me, and I think he thought it too, but when we really talked about it he just couldn't break it off with me. I cared too much, and he did too. Really his only problem was that he didn't want people to know about us.

How do I deal with a my first time relationship when it's both secret, and each of us is in a different phase of things?