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Help with College Essay

 
 
marky8
 
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2014 01:54 pm
I am wondering whether two sentence structures from my essay below are ok. I would be grateful for any help on it, please!

Is it grammatically correct and understandable to write:

These skills are... "crucial for becoming the passionate, inspiring and encouraging college professor AS WHO I would love to serve the academic community and my country, some day. "

And:

My heart is... "set on fire not to allow anyone else’s to break."

Thank you for your advice - all will be welcome

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (250-650 words)

Despite their wish to raise three children, my parents had only one; to compensate for this turn of fate, they dedicated all love, time, attention, and knowledge to the education of this one’s mind and heart. And so I grew up to become an adolescent who had fallen deeply in love with science — to investigate, identify and link causes with results, derive the latter from the former rigorously, predict the outcome of stimuli acting on chemical or physical systems, on mathematical or economic models – the physical sciences had cast their spell over me.

At QMUL, I read chemistry, maths and physics, where special attention was paid to the ethical implications of conducting research and applying its findings. My eloquence, practised and refined in the school debate club, started to avail, not only when we presented results found in group experiments, but also in the student-staff-liaison-committee that discussed student feedback on the programme and how to improve its components or solve troubles encountered by peers. Thus, I discovered what would influence and boost students’ success: creativity, self-discipline, endurance, scholarly independence as well as empathy, honesty, respect towards peers and lecturers, the willingness to both help and accept a helping hand, as faculty should not be the only source of tuition and inspiration. Nonetheless, I also had to learn that perfectionism is not always one’s best friend, neither when working for an assignment nor when aiming at higher levels of studies or career. Using one’s resources requires wisdom, responsibility and caring for emotional, social and athletic needs, too.

I truly hope these foundations have created an excellent ‘base camp’ for my climbing the academic Mount Olympus, Amherst College, where I would like to both deepen the knowledge and experience acquired at QMUL and to round off the skills and sensitivity, the education of heart, so crucial for becoming the passionate, inspiring and encouraging college professor as who I would love to serve the academic community and my country, some day. Considering these goals, Amherst would offer unique opportunities: The liberal curriculum would allow to select one or two majors in the physical sciences and to attend further courses in mathematically sophisticated economics or an anthropological discipline, in order to tailor a well-balanced combination of subjects drawing on and promoting my gifts in reasoning and rhetoric as well as addressing and impassioning my conscience and sense of social justice.

At a partner institution, like Doshisha, I could still my interest in foreign cultures: Studying Japan’s history, immersing myself in its society, appreciating and living its traditions would greatly enrich my intellectual and social horizons. Comparing, contrasting, perhaps even integrating Japanese collectivism with western individualism would pose an exciting challenge to gain inspiring and invigorating wisdom. Moreover, Zen-Buddhism, playing an important role in Japanese life, might reveal the way to obtain the calmness necessary to counterbalance the one-sidedness of my obsession with perfectionism.

Regarding my ambition of getting optimally prepared for a later Ph.D., I would devoutly wish to obtain some hands-on research experience during my time at Amherst, too, e.g. by pursuing a project in the January Interterm. Building up on this, I would like to work hard contributing to the output of a research group by investigating an honours topic afterwards.

At Amherst I would receive academic and moral instruction of highest standards, which to promote and advance, explore, explain and convey would constitute the fulfilment of my life. I would also be grateful for meeting the great free spirits whose enlightenment I would like to help spreading amongst our society. To begin humbly, I would like to contribute to and stimulate college life by devoting my expertise in horse-riding and fencing to the respective teams, to serve my peers as a representative marshalling all my empathy, eloquence and leadership for their well-being, and to engage in community projects with a heart set on fire not to allow anyone else’s to break.
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