How to stay friends with the man I had an affair with?

Hang out with a different circle of friends. Or be busy. Or make yourself busy.

You're taking a class. You met a new guy. You're volunteering at a hospital. You're crocheting a freakin' afghan.

Find reasons to not hang around with him. And not just this week or this month, but more like this year.

If your family and friends ask, it is none of their damned business. But if you must craft a reason, use one of the ones I've provided above. Or, better yet, really do take a class or volunteer or whatever. Make it the truth.

Do good things, fun things, silly things, rotten things, whatever. But do them away from this man.

You are perpetuating a lie by hanging around and pretending everything is groovy. You are going to end up back in bed in a heartbeat, when the coast is clear. That is not a very nice thing to do with his wife who, I assume, you are at least cordial with.

BTW, news flash, regardless of what he claims, regardless of how many times he says, "love, love, love," he is not going to leave his wife. He is already using his kids as an excuse. He's just keeping you on the side, and wants to get into your pants again.

I'm sorry. I know I'm being harsh, and I am sorry, but I don't see a way to sugarcoat this. You are one half of a major league deception. Hanging around as if everything is wonderful and all is really just kinda hurtful. Plus - seriously - if you hang around, she will find out. She probably already suspects something. She will eventually put two and two together. And when she divorces him, gets custody of the kids, and takes him for all he's got, he's not going to look so attractive anymore. And he may very well blame you for the end of his marriage.

Do your future a favor, and really do get out and go after someone else. Because you won't do that if you're hanging around with this crowd. Do not build a friendship. There is no friendship to build, because friends don't ask their friends to be a part of a big lie, and it's not very friendly to use someone for sex and play with their feelings, either.

you don't

that's not an option anymore

you need to start fresh - develop a new circle of friends and interests

read Jespah's post very carefully - she's being polite about it

_____



this has to stop

no more private discussions/conversations/times alone with him

you need to be an adult and simply stop this behaviour

I've already started immersing myself more into my work and other personal business that keeps me away more. I'm going to stop hanging around him in social settings-saying no when I know he'll be going out somewhere with our friends, instead spending one-on-one time with them rather than as a group. And I guess I'll just have to take that a situation at a time to make it not so weird. I am a pretty private person anyway, especially with my dating life, so I don't often disclose what I'm doing with my personal time away from my family and friends, so I'm hoping I can make that work without drawing too much attention to my lack of presence.

But what should I do when it's family functions? His family is so intertwined with my own, I don't feel like I can cut him out of my life like any old ex. (And I know that was my own mistake to make, falling in love with someone so close to me.) It seems like every other week our families are together for birthdays, barbecues, etc (his wife is best friends with my sister, and their kids are all best friends too), so I can't avoid these functions as easily as I can a social outing, because then it will just keep me from my own family. I've tried focusing on playing with the kids when we're all together, but at a certain point, the kids want to play among themselves and that leaves the adults sitting around talking. How am I supposed to interact with him and his wife in situations I can't avoid?



Believe me, I know that he's not going to leave his wife. That's what makes this more difficult because on one hand that makes me sad, but then it makes me respect him for wanting to make his marriage work (I know that's weird, but even after everything, I do still have a huge amount of respect for him), but then I develop my own unfair judgments about his marriage, which I know damn well I have no right to have. I actually don't think you're being harsh either. It's hard to convey stranger to stranger across the internet, but I do actually see all this with a rational eye, but everything about this situation just leaves my head spinning and confused.

Thank you for your input jespah. It's a huge relief to hear someone else's thoughts.

Hmm, can you have your family over? And resist if someone tries to invite him? You want family time, etc., there's always a way to spin it. This won't work all the time, but you'll at least have some time on your own terms. If someone pushes, you could say something like, "We had a falling out."

You are deluding yourself. You can frame this relationship better, you just don't want to.

You are certainly able to see your family without involving that other family, so that's no longer an excuse. Don't attend those "mixed" scenarios.

I can't believe that you "respect" this man who has used you for sex and flaunts his marriage and his love for his wife in front of you. You seem to like this quality about this man. (Liar, cheater, manipulator, user, and coverup artist)

Sorry to be so harsh, but you exhibit no control in this situation and won't have any until you build some self esteem.

@jespah,
I will definitely try and take advantage of family time that doesn't involve him, but I'm not sure I'll always be able to avoid the bigger functions he would be invited to. It would certainly start a family battle if I were to miss out on my niece's birthday, for example. To say we had a falling out won't work for 2 main reasons: First, saying something like that will give my family an inch of explanation to which they will not stop until they take a mile. It would just lead to us having to say why we had a falling out which would lead either to them suspecting or us having to propagate a further lie. Once my family has the tiniest bit of information, they do not stop nagging and snooping until they find out more. Secondly, both he and I are notorious for having rock-solid friendships that we work hard to keep strong. Neither of us are the type to give up on a friend, so it would be highly suspect if we had a falling out with anyone, especially each other.

@punkey,
I feel you're missing just how strongly tied our families are, which invalidates a lot of your judgement.

And yes I do still respect him, because there is much more to him (and me) than these past few months between us. He is an incredible person who has so much more to him than this situation. We are not and will not be defined by this brief passing of infidelity which we are both trying to move past. He certainly does not flaunt his marriage in front of me. He is a married man who loves his wife, and outside of this mistake, he treats her as a married man who loves his wife should, and my presence should make no difference to that. Are you wanting me to tell him to stop bringing his wife around me? What does that solve, other than a selfish desire to feel more comfortable with ourselves and what we've done? I will admit to feelings of jealousy, but I refuse to let him stop acting like a husband just because I'm around.

I will also admit to a certain lack of control, but that's because I'm so confused with what to do day by day. And any control I lack does not mean that I've relinquished it to him. Just by the very nature of him being the married one, he does have the upper hand, but I can't resent him for that because then I wouldn't be taking responsibility for my share of guilt.

I will also politely refute that a lack of control is in any way tied to my self esteem. On the contrary, a huge part of why I'm trying to move past this is because I know my worth. I am one hell of a woman, and I deserve to find the man I will spend my life with. I will always love this man, I'm sure, but he wants to be with his wife, and I will not step in the way of that. There is no clearer sign that says he is not the man for me.

When it comes down to it, the fact remains that what's done is done. I can't go back and change it, nor would I want to because this whole situation has been a life-changing enlightenment for me. He and I will both forever be carrying the burden of this guilt, whether we're in each other's lives or not. For my own sake, I need to move past this and on with my life, but I still see him in my life in years to come, and I want for that to happen without either of us making more out of this. As the topic title says, I do still want a friendship with this man. It's feeling like too much today, but someday I want it to be different. For now and for the long foreseeable future, I need to distance myself to tame my own internal demons, and to give him the space to do the same. Just trying to figure out how to get there.