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Sat 7 Dec, 2013 07:51 am
I don't know who I really am anymore. I try to do what's right, but sometimes I am just overwhelmed by temptation... do what's worst. I can't help myself. I can't stop myself. I can only watch in guilt and rage as I do something I never should have. Is it wrong to hate humanity for their deeds? It is wrong to hate myself? I can't sleep at night anymore... watching for the Illuminati out there... but they are illusive, like a shadow. I believe in the Big Bang, Evolution, and Christianity. Does that make sense to anybody but me? Why doesn't anybody else understand?! Is it a crime to try to learn how God works scientifically?
In my mind, I have two inner voices. The first I have named Eroy. He is carefree to the extreme. No discipline, no willpower. Just emotions and desires. The other I have named Jackal, and is a spirit of discipline. He hates Eroy, and is extremely harsh. When I am about to do something remotely stupid, he always yells at Eroy to shut up, and that he's an idiot, and that he deserves to die, and other whatnot. Without either spirit, I would be a walking catastrophe, but with a war going on inside my head, I'm still a wreck.
I pray a lot, and I try to listen to God, but he rarely talks to me... just does me favors, and I try to be a good person. But I don't know how long I can last on my own. I sometimes channel angels and demons, even people. I don't know if it's my delusion or not, but I've talked to Chinese sweatshop workers without going to China. I don't know what to do. Please reply anything you have to say.
So far, you have not DONE anything evil. So relax and enjoy your fantasies, unless they cause you pain. You have all the power to control these thoughts.
I have a feeling you have too much time on your hands and aren't eating or exercising enough. Are you on medications? Be sure to take them.
Find peace, love, serenity and serve others. All other emotions are immature.
@Deaths Bane,
I think you should seek professional help because it sounds as if what you're going through cant be fixed on your own. You may just be wrapped up in all of your thoughts and aren't evil at all , just try taking a walk to get your mind off of things. I wish you all the best and hope that you feel better.
@Deaths Bane,
You are not turning evil, but you may need some psychiatric help. Before your thoughts turn into actions you need to redirect them. Most cities have some sort of referral system. Or ask your regular doctor, they will know someone to send you to. Thoughts are not evil, but actions may be. You need to learn techniques on how to redirect your impulses.
@Deaths Bane,
There is an old saying: "You can't stop birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from building a nest in your hair."
I think most of us would agree if we had done all the mayhem we considered, we would be in max security by now.
You could benefit from professional help. Meanwhile, try to interrupt your bad thoughts with positive images. People you love, places you've enjoyed, kind deeds you may have witnessed or done. . . .
@Deaths Bane,
Deaths Bane wrote:. . . Is it a crime to try to learn how God works scientifically? . . .
No.
But there will occur what many believe to be contradictions. I have always been of the opinion that God is the master scientist. We are only apprentices who, at times, believe we know more than the teacher. The proper attitude. IMHO, is one of patience.
@Deaths Bane,
Psychiatry is prohibitively expensive. You might however try nostrums of many sorts that encourage the buildup of serotonin
@PUNKEY,
Quote:...as I do something I never should have.
Punk, doesn't this suggest something beyond MIGHT
As for medications, tread lightly here. Paradoxically PM's have side effects and that's why they're P'd; while less so many nostrums, almost equally effective. One possible side effect is Bane's apparent funk
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