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A quick view on this little essay

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cesaral1510
 
Wed 21 Aug, 2013 03:13 pm
Hello guys, i am applying to this scholarship and is only 100 words. If you guys could give me a feedback on what i wrote i would appreciate it Smile

This is the prompt
Tell us what you are passionate about learning and outline how you will spend the $1,000 helping you learn. Your learning plan can include formal education, informal education, travel, internships, books, events... whatever you believe is the best plan for the money. Be specific and may the best plan win!

This is my essay
My passion, since a young age was always computer games. Now that I am a junior in college perusing a computer science degree, I been getting myself prepared for an internship at a gaming company. I just recently found out about this game development conference that is held in San Francisco, California every year. Game developments from all over the US gather together in order to share their knowledge and also to recruit people for their companies. I would spend the $1000 dollars to go to this conference, learn from the best on the field and land an internship.
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neologist
 
  1  
Wed 21 Aug, 2013 05:33 pm
@cesaral1510,
Not a complete rewrite, though you may consider it:

This is my essay
My passion, since a young age has always been computer games. Now that I am a junior in college pursuing a computer science degree, I have been preparing myself for an internship at a gaming company. I just recently learned of a game development conference that is held in San Francisco, California every year. Game developers from all over the US gather together in order to share their knowledge and recruit. I would spend the $1000 dollars to go to this conference, learn from the best, and land an internship.

This, I think, is better. Hopefully, others will have input as well.
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OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Fri 18 Oct, 2013 08:42 am
@cesaral1510,
cesaral1510 wrote:

Hello guys, i am applying to this scholarship and is only 100 words. If you guys could give me a feedback on what i wrote i would appreciate it Smile

This is the prompt
Tell us what you are passionate about learning and outline how you will spend the $1,000 helping you learn. Your learning plan can include formal education, informal education, travel, internships, books, events... whatever you believe is the best plan for the money. Be specific and may the best plan win!

This is my essay
My passion, since a young age, was always computer games. Now that I am a junior in college perusing [do u mean pursuing??] a computer science degree, I have been getting myself prepared for an internship at a gaming company. I just recently found out about this game development conference that is held in San Francisco, California every year. Game developments [game developers??] from all over the US gather together in order to share their knowledge and also to recruit people for their companies. I would spend the $1000 dollars to go to this conference, learn from the best in the field and earn an internship.
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anonymously99
 
  1  
Fri 20 Dec, 2013 09:15 am
@cesaral1510,
Are you going to let us know how it went, how you're doing? Accomplishments?
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