Just something I had to do I guess. A post about my pedophilia/hebephilia

So, recently I have had this feeling I couldn't shake for the last few days, and I think for some reason I just have to say something about my partiality to young girls. I am not sure if this is necessarily the right place for it, but if it gets a negative respons, I will find another way I guess. I will try not to make it too long. I just don't know what I need to say I guess. I don't blame anyone who does not read the whole thing.

Anyway, I am 21 years old. I am a hetrosexual hebephile / pedophile. I officially found out when I was 18, but I will get to that. I am a male, straight, white, 6'1", 180lbs, and in every a very normal person. I was not abused, or any other cliche that comes to the ignorant person's mind when they think of pedophilia. Being a pedophile and being a child molester are two different things. It's just the only pedophiles we hear about on the news happen to also be child rapists and murderers. I have had no traumatic sexual history, or anything of that nature. I mean I was adopted, and my father and I had a horrible relationship; but that doesn't scream pedophilia to me.

I am very normal, except for the fact that I am most attracted to young girls. It's not like "I just had to tell someone". It isn't like that at all. Both my parents know, my therapist knows, and two of my best friends know. I found out when I was 18 years old. I had never EVER had the slightest notion that I was capable of being attracted sexually and spiritually to anyone who was not an appropriate age. That was until I met an 11 year old girl who I will refer to as Scarlet. Just to get a quick image, Scarlet had long straight red hair. She was maybe 4'6", around 60lbs, with amber eyes just like mine.

I remember I was talking to a friend when she walked in and I just stopped mid-sentence as I watched her enter through the door. My friend sort of snapped me out of if, and I didn't even know where I was anymore. I was so confused. My blood was pumping five times faster than normal and my brain was working overtime trying to find out why I was so impossibly attracted to this girl who was still a child basically. She knew my friend that I was talking to so she came right up to us. I was still trying to process everything in my mind, when we started talking, just me and her, after she was done talking to my friend. She was really shy and it was clear that she liked me. I understand that some will say I think that because that is what I WANTED, so that is what I perceived. That is false.

Basicaly we started becoming closer and closer, spending more and more time together, until a few months later after the first time she said she loved me (and YES, in a romantic way). She said that she wanted to be with me, that I made her feel safe, happy, etc. I was always sort of afraid to be with her in a one-on-one setting, although there were quite a few. I didn't know that I apparently liked little girls, so what else didn't I know about me? It made me doubt everything I thought I knew. I struggled with it for some time, but came to terms with it later. But I was always fearful that I wouldn't be able to control myself if the opportunity presented itself for consentual sexual or intimate interaction.

When she told me that, I tried to brush it off as a crush, just a little girl thing, she will get over it, etc etc. She insisted, but I denied it again and again, still fearful of it developing into something more, becoming something possibly great, then losing it all. My conscience was more of a factor than the law. I did not want to harm her, so I kept insisting it was just a thing that would pass. That was until she asked me if I had feelings for her. That was what did me in. I was attracted to her from the start, but I had really grown to care a lot for her, and I could honestly say I loved her. Which that is a status not many people obtain with me. She asked me if I liked her back, and I could not say no. I wanted to just say no, because it would end it there. I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her, etc. But I knew that in itself would hurt her, and it would have been a blatant lie. I couldn't stand to see her heartbroken, and watch as her self-confidence fizzled away as she questioned whether or not she was desirable or attractive.

I told her I did have feelings for her, but that we could not take it any further. She was happy that I said yes, but not-so-much that it couldn't become anything more. I just explained that there was a possiblity that I could end up affecting her negatively and hurting her in a way that would last for years, possibly a lifetime. She said she knew I would never hurt her, and that we should be together. I said we (me mostly) could get in a lot of trouble. That I could be put in jail, etc etc. She said she wouldn't tell anyone. Her innocence was something I loved about her, (and I wanted to preserve it, not take it) but I just couldn't get the message across. I ended up just saying 'Because we can't', just like a parent -__- . Basically the story has a short and boring ending. We kept things as they were, and she later moved away. Now she is 14, still very beautiful, and still very much an occupant of my thoughts.

The only thing I will say, and I probably shouldn't but; we did kiss once. I mean she kissed me all the time, just little pecks here and there; but one time when we were alone, I had a moment of weakness and let it progress past that. I didn't initiate it, I simply allowed it to happen. But nothing sexual or overly intimate ever happened with her. After she moved away, I shut that part of me away and hid it somewhere where I couldn't find it. I hid myself away entirely. Maybe because it wasn't fair, maybe because I was ashamed of myself, who knows. I am sure there are those who will make the argument that she couldn't have had feelings for me because she doesn't know what that is. In the same way some people say someone that young cannot give consent because they don't fully understand it. That I understand to an extent, but especially with kids now; I've met a few who have done more than I have.

Two years after all this, I attempted suicide and failed. I cut myself and bled out. I had called a family member and said there was a problem with the shower, so he would come into the house and find me. I thought he was going to be busy for a few hours, but he was in town and he was there in time I guess. There were reasons completely unrelated to this, but I think it was part of it. I had gone home for a visit, and saw my cousin who was now 12. When I had seen her last, she was a short, pudgy kid. Now she was (and remains) thinner, taller, and very pretty. Especially her legs and hips as they were the only parts of her that were developed, lol. But seeing her in that way caught me off guard and made me face the long forgotten truth I had hidden away, and not dealt with.

I have since realized that it is not internal thoughts and feelings that define someone, it is how the choose to act on those thoughts and feelings. At this point in time, I have fully accepted it as a part of me; and discovered that it actually came from a very good place. I found out that it really stemmed from the desire to protect her, fulfill her desires, make her happy, and even provide for her a little bit. When we were together all the time, that instinct kept emerging I noticed. I noticed I kept changing myself to suit her needs, and always was there to keep unnecessary negativity away, and comfort her after something slipped past me and got to her. You might say I had/have a daughter complex if that is a thing, and I would partially agree. It did seem that what I wanted most was to fulfill the duties of a parent, as well as a romantic companion. There WAS a very strong sexual attraction, but I never once acted on it or let it escalate to an inappropriate level.

So, that is how it started more or less. It evolved from an attraction to 10-12 year old girls, then expanded a little further down. Now it's about 5 or 6 on the youngest side. Basically if they are thin, I can find them attractive. I know everyone grows differently. Some kids are pudgy, some are short, etc. Any girl between around 5 years old to like 12 MAYBE 13 years old, who is taller and thinner. I do like the 10-12 range though, because I love how their legs/hips are. They just start developing that curvature, and it's just so beautiful. They can be flat, they can have a little chest development, that doesn't matter so much. But I've also noticed that, in young girls in general and NOT with girls my age; I focus on certain areas, and I am orally fixated, so the desire is just to interact with these places with my mouth, lol. For some reason on young girls, I love feet/ankles, wrists/hands, shoulder&collar bones, etc. I just love how thin and elegant they are. They're still so small and soft, and I find those areas to be a particular focus on top of your typically areas for sexual attention. Also, in many cases when a girl hits like 11, her lips plump up a little bit. I love that as well.

I still like girls my own age, and adult women; I just mainly like little girls and early pubescent girls the most. I don't think it should be okay for everyone, because I know there are a lot of shitty people, but I wish I could live in this fantasy land where I could be sexually, intimately, spiritually, etc. involved with a girl who would never age past 12. Mentally or physically.

Another thing too, a typically stereotype for any guy that goes for younger girls (not necessarily YOUNG young girls, just younger than them) is that people think they are just wanting to be a dominant person, and they want to control someone. That is not the case at all. When I was with Scarlet (I almost typed her real name, lol), not like WITH with her, but when we were always together; I always felt myself trying to make her feel as much of an equal to me as I possibly could. She would say something that indicated she felt inferior in some way, and I would always try to make her feel good about herself. I tried to make her feel empowered, and close that gap as much as I could. Because obviously between an 18 year old guy and an 11 year old girl, there IS a power imbalance, and that is not a healthy relationship. NO relationship is healthy if it has an imbalance of power. So I NEVER tried to control her or gain authority over her, or make her feel lower than me. Quite the opposite.

So, that was basically it. I guess that was what I had to say. Maybe if anyone is struggling with it; they may have learned something. I am not a bad person for finding beauty in young girls, and finding pleasure in the company of a specific one. However, acting out on those feelings would be amoral. I still think in my case, it would not have been harmful, and we would probably still be together, but I bet everyone with an experience like mine thinks that. But I do not know what causes the certain pedophiles to feel the need to hurt children, but THAT is not right at all. I spent most of the time thinking pedophilia was a sickness, but it is not. No more than being gay is, or having a racial preference. Some people are straight, some people are gay, some people like other races, some men like younger women, some women like older men. And some adults like children. It really is no different, except those preferences are not seen as a mental disorder, or a sickness, or a preversion, etc. I think if people took the time to learn about things, there would not be such blind hatred toward it. I am not saying that adults should be allowed to have sex with children. I am saying perhaps if there was a greater understanding of it, then perhaps Scarlet (almost typed her name again, lol) and I could have remained together. Perhaps her parents and other authoritative adults could have seen my intentions were good, that I genuinely cared for her, and that I was not interested in having non-consentual sex with her. In fact I was a virgin, and I had no huge desire to have sex in general, let alone with an eleven year old.

But I suppose that is it. If no one read it; I wouldn't be surprised. I guess I just had to ramble about it where someone could see. If you got here and you have any comments or whatever to add, go ahead. If you are going to hate on me, that's fine also. Feel free to do so. It will not make me not attracted to little girls, nor will it change my opinion of myself, or change myself in anyway. And you wouldn't be saying anything I haven't heard a million times, and I have already punished myself more than anyone else could, because I did not know much about that part of me and I was afraid of it. To anyone who made it, thanks for reading.