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Feeling guilty for sexual ignorance and possible sexual abuse on my part

 
 
wurm5
 
Reply Mon 19 Nov, 2012 06:59 pm
Warning: the following stories might be too disgusting for some of you, so beware.

When I was around 5 or 6, I used to visit my friend a lot at his house. Sometimes, we would just go into his bathroom together, and literally watch each other poo in a toilet, taking turns. I think we were just curious about what was happening, and we did have each other's consent. However, when I was young, I actually had a weird interest in feces. (I don't now; that would be gross.) So I'm getting a bit guilty and worried, because what if I forced my friend to do it in the bathroom without his consent? This may be my OCD talking, because

- I don't have any memories of him getting angry or upset like that
-We are still good friends, some 10 years later
-If I did force him to do that, then he would have stopped being my friend

But when I asked him if I forced him to defecate in front of me, he said that he doesn't know, and that he "doesn't think about it." Could this mean that the memories of me sexually abusing him were so strong that he just represses them?
I'm also feeling guilty because of what happened in grade 4. During that grade, I was horribly ignorant in social skills, was sexually curious, and was just plain weird. So one day, while I was in class, I started touching this guy's ankle. He didn't care, and we were both "enjoying" it. Then I moved up and touched his bare back, with my hand under his shirt. Once again, nothing negative happened, and we were both joking about it.

Now, that happened with someone who didn't care. But what if I touched people inappropriately without their consent? Part of me knows that, as a 4th grader, I was completely unaware of anything like molestation or sexual abuse. However, I also feel incredibly dirty and terrible for possibly molesting someone!

Nowadays, I am fully aware of what inappropriate sexual behaviour can do to peoples' lives. I even have an OCD-induced fear of raping and traumatizing little children.

Should I just move on with these issues, or do I really deserve punishment for the things that I have done?

PS even in grade 9, I was still making sexual jokes and being a pervert. But, thankfully, now I'm not.
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jespah
 
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Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2012 08:40 am
You forgot the third choice, which is getting some counseling. You need to know where this guilt is coming from. Perhaps it's justified; perhaps it isn't. Get to the bottom of it with a competent therapist.
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