Mom and me

My mother was such a drop dead gorgous women with dark hair and 36DD tits with 1 1/2" long nipples when they we're erect. She never was shy about covering herself up around me or my little brother and sister. I would often see her nude or simi nude while dressing or in the bath. I naturally became obsessed with her. Looking back I think she secretly was seducing me. my step Dad was a drunk, and when I turned 18 she left him. I was living with a friend but moved back in with her and my younger brother at her request to help her out with the bills. My sister had already moved out of state and started a new life. Back then it was legal for an 18 year old to drink beer. So often when we would be at home in the evenings we would drink beer together. Later I introduced her to pot,and we would get high too.
One Friday night I had been at the club dancing and drinking, and came home all horny from all of the prick teasers at the bar. I saw there was my step Dads car in the Drive, so I didn't want to go in because we hated eachn other. I heard some strange noises,so I peeked thru her window only to see Mom, Dad, and one of our previous nieghbors all having sex on my mothers bed. I could not control myself so I beat my meat with a frenzy. Damn my mom was so ******* hot! I came in no time flat. I waited till they left before I ever came in. I never said anything to my mom, but I knew I wanted her more then ever. I was constantly sneaking peeks, and letting her get an eye full to. Back in the 70's it was normal for me to wear very short cut jean shorts, and no underwear. We would be sitting at the table getting high and drinking beers, and I would spread my legs just to see if she would look. I caught her more then a few times, and when she knew she was caught , she would say to me cover yourself up! You should be wearing underwear. I told her the girls liked it that way. I showed her what a shot gun was, and she seemed to enjoy the pot better when I gave her one. often we would touch lips, and I would get a hard on. Then one night I came home after the bar closed and snuck quietly in my mothers room and gently pulled the covers off of her. All she was wearing was a flimsy night gown, and I could clearly see her nipples shining through. She was a hard sleeper so I knew she wouldn't wake up. I very carefully touched her left nipple, and it became very long and hard! So did I! Wow! I never knew or have seen anything so very sexy.I was so turned on. My blood was rushing through my head, and my heart beat so fast I was beside myself with hornyness. I got really brave because of the beer I had cunsumed, so I went to the other side of the bed where I slipped under the covers naked. I then gently picked her hand up and wrapped it around my rock hard penis. Damn the thrill of her holding it sent chills up my spine. I never thought she would wake up, but when she did I pretended to be passed out asleep. She rolled over to me with my eyes closed and stuck her titty''s in my face, and said "Do you want to suck and play with my titties?" I just layed there froze with disbelief while she put them in my mouth. Then she fondled me and went down on me, all the while I was pretending to sleep. It felt so good to have my mother gently giving me head. It was every dream I ever had come true. here I was in her bed, the most beautiful creature I have ever seen giving me pleasure. I acted like I woke up and started to feel her up. I was very close to cumming so I pulled her off of me, and spread her legs and licked her hairy vagina, like I was french kissing a girl. She tasted better then anything that had ever had upon my tounge before or since. I was happy just to please her with my mouth and fingers. That was not enough for her, she told me she wanted me inside her, Get up! she said. I can't take it anymore, I want you inside of me! I was so nervous! I said Mom, can't we just fool around? I don't want to go to far! She told me that it didn't matter, we already had gone past the point of no return, and that she couldn't get pregnant any more. She had her reproductive organs removed after my little brother had been born. So I lay beside her and ask her to get on top of me, because I was so close to cumming. she crawled up to me with those beautiful tits in my face and guided me into her. I was in no way prepared to know how good it felt to be inside my Mother! I had sex before with a couple of my girl friends, but nothing! I mean nothing ever has made me feel so good in my life! she ground herself on me , and came all over me! That was all it took for me. The only part of me that was on the bed was my heals, and the back of my head! She told me to cum inside her, and that was all it took. I had the most powerful orgasm I have ever had! I was shaking, and she was telling me to suck both of her nipples at the same time.
so I squeezed them together and sucked on them both. I swear they we're an inch and a half long. After I came we both just layed there catching our breath for a few minutes. She told me I needed to get into my own bed so that my brother would not catch us in the morning.
The next morning is when the guilt started in on me! I felt like such a sinner, I was so remorseful. I felt like the king of sinners. My mother nor myself said anything about it, we just went about our daily routine. a million thoughts of guilt ran through my mind for days on end, but whenever I would think about our event I would get horny and masterbate while thinking of my mother. It happened again twice more before we moved from that house. She and my brother went south to her Mothers to find better work. I stayed behind, because I didn't want to leave all of my friends.
I did however move down there after my car broke down, and I just couldn't manage things by myself during hard times with out my Moms help.
We had sex 1 more time after I moved in with her and my grandmother. It was her birthday, so I took her out to dinner, and drinks. My grandmother went to stay a couple days with one of her other daughters, and my younger brother went to stay with my sister, and her husband. We had a great dinner and drank a lot of beer. On the way home I fired up a Doobie, and we got high. By the time we got home we we're all over each other, and we again had the best sex of my life.
Why did I feel so damn guilty? I'm sure if it we're not for my guilt we would have had a great life together. We remained very close to each other on up until her death 4 years ago. She died an early age from cancer. We never talked about it again, except telling each other it wasn't your fault, don't feel guilty or carry that with you anymore. Although I have since the first time it happend. I have had an obsession with her my whole life. everytime I masterbate, or have sex with another woman I think about her. I search porn pics, hoping to find someone who looks enough like her to fulfill my fantasy's with my mother. I try to seek out women who looks like her. Mostly I want those 36DD Titties with long nipples. I have never found her no matter what, or how long I have looked. I'm well into my 50's now, and am alone. I greive, and long for my mother. Not only because I loved her as my mother, but I wish that we had made a life of making love together. I have never been completly satisfied by another women! I have been with some of the most beautiful women in the world, but none could give me half the pleasure of my mother. I read incest stories, and watch incest porn for my sexual needs. I have been married 2 times, and raised my daughter myself. I now have 2 beautiful grandchildren who think I hung the moon. I have been single for 20 something years now. I have been looking for my soul mate for the last 13 years or so. I know no one could ever measure up to mom, but I'm trying. It's so hard to find a partner these days. I have been on dating sites, and have lots of 1st dates, or short lived affairs. There have been many women that have wanted to be with me, but I have rejected their love. I think I may be a bit to shallow. I don't know! I do know I need help, but am too embarrassed to bring the subject up. People can't keep secrets, and i have carried this one with me for too long! Please can someone help me? I have often wondered if I could find a lady who will play the mother role for me. I'm to embarrassed to reveal my secret desires to try