Yet, the Atomic Energy Lab kit produced by the American Basic Science Club came with real samples of uranium (which is radioactive) and radium (which is a million times more radioactive than uranium). Since the mere presence of radioactive material in a children's product clearly wasn't insane enough, some of the experiments detailed in the manual also required kids to handle blocks of dry ice. Dry ice, by the way, has a temperature of minus 109.3 degrees Fahrenheit, and it's recommended that it only be handled while wearing gloves (none were included).
The Flatulence Deodorizer
Filed in April 2000, the flatulence deodorizer "discloses a pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence."
This drawing pretty much sums up the problem: You're at the airport, waiting for your luggage in your favorite "Z" jacket, when suddenly you find yourself emitting odors so foul they require stink lines to be properly illustrated.
If you can get past the I'm-basically-wearing-a-weird-diaper-for-farts factor, this invention is actually a pretty good idea. Or it would be, we guess, if you're like the people in the testimonials on Flat-D.com. Those peoples' lives have been completely ruined by farts. A quick sampler:
"Your product has really helped me in the cramped space of my cockpit. I would sometimes notice the other guys using their mask to get some fresh oxygen ... When I feel the urge I usually quickly install it thru the back of my pants. Then I do not have to worry. It also does a nice job muffling the noise."
"On September 14th mom will be 78 years old, and that's why I'd like to take her to Hawaii ... I've traveled there twice, but she never has because of her flatulence problems."
Animal Ear Protectors
Do you have a dog with long, floppy ears, and if so, do you give it food? And if you give it food, is it always getting its long, floppy ears covered in the food that you give it? Is this actually a serious problem that you have to deal with? If so, you should write a letter to your local pet accessory manufacturer and let them know about US Patent #4233942.
Then again, if this is a legitimate concern for you, you might also ask yourself, "What's wrong with my dog? Why can't it clean the excess food off its ears?" Or maybe, alternatively, "Will my dog look any less dumb walking around with these stupid tubes around its ears than it would with crusted-up dog food all over itself?" Then maybe, finally, "Why do I even own a dog? I don't have time to deal with this bullshit."
I wanted everything in pink when I was a kid and look how fabulous I turned out.