My daughter resist to accept my coach? Help.

What did I not see?

What's really happening between us I wonder?

How old is your daughter?

Unless she's very, very young, it sounds like you're not giving her enough room to achieve things on her own terms. Nobody wants to just blindly follow directions, subvert their will (and achievement) to someone else. (If she does well, is it because she's talented or because she finally did what you told her to do? Is the achievement hers or yours?)

Hell children in their teens are hard wire to begin to distant themselves from their parents controls and you are just running into mother nature.

Mostly leave her alone. The best way to alienate a child is to become their dictator instead of their parent. She will learn from her mistakes. Just let her know that you love her and if she would like your help and advice you are available. Remember to praise her when she does something that is good.

GW, would you be my Mom?

Effective coaching techniques often include more than just "Do it this way" approach.

1) Give a compliment about something done right
2) Ask questions to determine if it is a knowledge issue or an attitude issue.
If it is a knowledge issue = train. If it is an attitude issue, state the desired behavior over the undesired behavior.
3) Provide assistance/support if needed to get the task completed
4) Give another compliment about something done well.


This works in the work world for me, but it should also help your daughter to see you appreciate the good things in her, rather just the things that she doesn't do to your satisfaction. Good luck.

Perhaps what YOU need is to back off and learn to be more accepting of her differences. You need to build up her trust by showing her that you have the ability to be supportive. She is feeling too much pressure to succeed. She wants your love and acceptance. She is not as task-oriented as you are, so it seems.

God luck and remember...
A teaspoon of honey is better than one with vinegar.

Sure, but you have to mow the lawn, remember to feed the dogs and support me in my old age so I don't have to bag groceries for Linkat.

Most parents don't want their kids to make mistakes, so they try to tell them how to avoid the mistakes or what happens when that mistake is made. I agree with GW that your daughter will learn from her mistakes.

Remember when she was learning to walk, and you wanted to always hold her hand so that she wouldn't fall? Remember the first time she fell? Did the world end? Nope. The world won't end if she's allowed to make her own mistakes, either. Sometimes you just have to let go of her hand so that she can try it on her own.

She is 10. The situation is that I give her compliment very often as well as point out the mistakes. She knows very clearly that I love her and that I am there for her. However, when I point out the mistakes she object the fact, eventually I lost my patience become mad at her, then she resist my help. What's really upset me is that the effort is often not there or the attention to detail is not there. I think these are two important skill she will need for her jobs. I am worried about it. For instance, her effort on reading and playing piano and the attention to details are just too disappointing to me.

We are quite close apart from doing those two things. So I just couldn't understand why she would not just simply take the advice.

Because you are her mother. If you were a stranger, it would be different - especially if she had to pay for advice. In fact, some day, she probably will have to pay for it. That will come at the same age that she finds out how smart Mother was, so many years ago.

She likes doing things her own way rather just take the advice that are handy with everyone in my family (hubby, brother sisters and parent-in-lows). Am I too protecting, controlling? I grow up without parents so I have no choice but to figure out everything by myself and most of the time by mistakes. It is not nice to learn things mostly by mistakes I tell you, I still remember those people's face look like when they were angry at me for the mistake in work. So I would not like to see she disregard her parents help and chose to learn mostly from mistakes instead and have the same scares I have and beating myself up most of the times.

Of course you want to make it easy for her. Nothing could be more natural. And, of course, she wants to do things her own way. That is natural, too. If her mistakes hurt her without messing up her life, let her make them - unless you just can't help it.

Otherwise, just listen to Sozobe. She's trying to keep you from making mistakes, just as you are trying to keep your daughter from making them.

zhjuan,
your mistakes and experiences are not your daughters. She needs to learn and
find out for herself what works and what doesn't and sometimes there is a hard
lesson to learn in it. Without learning and gaining their own experiences,
children become too sheltered or the opposite: they revolt constantly and won't
accept any advice.

I'd be interested in some discussion of the cultural implications. I think O.P isn't used to the Western notion of letting kids learn by their own mistakes. Huh?

Right, panzade, but I think zhjuan is different. She's more inclined to raise
her daughter to be an independent thinker. I might be wrong of course.

My cousin's son is 10 years old and is very adament about the way he wishes to do things and what things he should be doing. His arguments are constant, but many times logical enough that shows he is smart and not necessarily trying to be defiant (although sometimes it does seem he does it just to push buttons) It's mostly the age that makes him this way.

O.P. 10 years old may not yet have the attention to detail an adult may notice but in many ways it adults can expect a bit much of a child who is still learning to fit into their own skin. If you want your daughter to be an independent person someday, try to encourage her to think it through, evaluate the consequences of what happens when something is not done the right way so that her mind can formulate the best solutions. Have confidence in her abilities and she will grow and be happy and perhaps a bit less defiant.