The non-divorce

Forums:
Email this Topic • Print this Page

Ok guys, I read this article on MSN today, about something called the "non divorce":

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/SuddenlySingle/UnhappilyEverAfterTheNondivorce.aspx

This has grabbed my attention, because for the last four years or so, I've had an affair with a married man, and generally am quite miserable being the other woman, thinking he will most likely never leave his wife, and it frustrates me sometimes because on one hand me and him would be so good together, and on the other hand, he's got three small children, a new house, and only his income supporting all of them (and a family of five on an 80K income nowadays ain't much). So Im always torn, trying to understand that a divorce for him wouldn't be easy, financially or emotionally on the kids, and then I read this article and it seems that alot of people stay in marriages for these same reason: the kids are always a reason of course, but what about those logistics? The "being realistic and logical" aspect of it where basically, you can stay married to someone who, while you may not be in love with them anymore, you're getting along fine as "roomate" types, you get to see your kids every day, and its easier to financially support one household rather than two, plus everyone keeps the health insurance. I know this seems the easier option, avoids alot of mess in the meantime, but in the long run is it worth it?

I know that divorce is generally hard, emtoionally and financially draining, but people do it all the time, and most of them and their kids lead normal lives and alot of the time even find new spouses and eventually everyone moves on with their lives. I was a child in a family with parents that got divorced when i was about 12, my sisters were 10 and 9. It was really hard on me for a while, but Im ok as an adult, and while I still wonder "what if" sometimes, what it would have been like had my parents stayed together, I now have a beautiful half-brother and sister that I love with all my heart that I never would have had had my mother not met her current boyfriend. I guess what Im trying to say is...everything works out for a reason, right?

I know that society favors the marriage staying together, and of course its great to have both parents in the home, but if someone is really unhappy with their current spouse, do you not think it is worth it to find someone you ARE happy with? One day your children grow up and leave the house, and it will be just you and your wife. I guess it's been a tough topic for me to consider for a while now, because I feel like this man Im having an affair with is living in a "nondivorce", and that he's complacant with it. If he was happy , he wouldnt keep coming back to me for four years. I am so in love with this man and yet I've never asked him to change his life for me, and most likely never will, because of that guilt involved in it.

What do you guys think of all this? Is the "non divorce" a better alternative than divorce, or in the long run will it emotionally drain you just in the same way that the divorce acutely drains you?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 592 • Replies: 7

No top replies

@WhatToDo,

Hello WhatToDo:

There's no generic answer to your question. Everyone's situation is a little different. While one person could be satisfied being the other woman, someone else would/could not. Likewise with the cheating partner.

Personally, I think it's sad when people stay together because of financial reasons. When money rules your life, you're not in charge - your fears are. You don't want to be poor, etc. And ditto when convention rules your life - again, your fears are in charge.

Good luck with what you're doing. I don't agree with it, but it's none of my business.

0 Replies

@WhatToDo,

I'm fine with the concept so long as all of the adults are playing by the same rules. If your honey and his wife are both living together with the understanding that they are staying together for financial and 'logistical' reasons and that each of them are welcome to get their emotional support elsewhere then who cares? Except you perhaps.

0 Replies

@WhatToDo,

I think if it works for them fine who am I to judge as long as the kids are happy and taken care of. I sometimes have wondered this about couples who divorce later in life " after the kids are grown and out of the house. Was this a couple that stayed together because of finance/kids and lived as roommates? Now that they don’t need a house to keep the kids in " they can sell and divide whatever is left and buy two condos or a smaller house. It just seems odd to me that a couple in their 60s gets divorced " they lived through everything else together.

Any way " the only one this sort of arrangement hurts is whoever the “other woman” or “other man” is. But I honestly don’t feel sorry for them either as long as they knew who they were involved with was already married. You know he is married " you know he is devoted to his children. No promises made " so in a sense you made your bed…

I can tell you for one " this divorce thing and custody stuff is really hard. It is also hard for me to discuss, because I know some one who recently committed suicide over it. Often times moms get custody of the children and the dad is left with only visiting rights whether the dad was a good or bad father. Sometimes (especially in the case where a wife stays home with the children), the husband is left with such a huge payments to wife and children, he cannot pay for a deceit place to rent and has to resort to live with family members. There are so many negative issues involved with divorce I have seen first hand, I could understand why a couple may choose against it even if they do not love one another.

Whether it is difficult or not to hear, this man as you say is happy with the situation. You are not. So get out of it. I was once unhappy with a relationship (not a married/cheating one " just some one who was o-k with the status quo) " we did love each other, but I knew it wasn’t going any further so I dumped him. I’m not saying it is easy, but like the divorce situation you describe it is better in the long run, huh?

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat,

you're right, the only person really getting hurt is me. im well aware. I just havent quite mustered the strength to get out of the situation. I did before, we didn't speak for a year, and now here we are back again, more intense and more frustrating.

To answer someone's previous statement as well....his wife is not aware, so it's not "equal" with everyone right now. The whole non-divorce mentality is more him right now I think. Like in that article I posted which had a man who was contemplating divorce, and then when he considered the impact on his kids and the financial duress he'd entail, decided to ride it out and just have his emotional satiation on the side. I guess that's what mine is doing. Please believe he isn't a bad person, and I certainly didn't help things when after a year of not speaking I felt a moment of weakness and called him to invite him to lunch , thinking we could be platonic friends. We are both weak to each other it seems, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Im not asking him to leave his wife, and he isn't going to, I know that much. Not while his kids are young, and Im not waiting around 20 years for them to grow up, so I guess we're stuck like this until someone I like better comes alone. Which doesn't happen often I must say...I guess seeing him and so many other married people who seem to have 'settled' and just married someone they were comfortable with, I refuse to do the same thing. I don't want to end up in a situation where Im considering this non-divorce way of living just so I can both see my family and have some semblence of happiness in a personal relationship with a man because I don't have it with my husband! It seems rightfully depressing. To be frank, i don't talk to him about his marriage anymore, as you might imagine it's a touchy area, and he doesn't bring it up because he thinks hearing about his family upsets me, which I guess sometimes it does. But sometimes I wonder what goes through his head when he's sitting there at home reading an email from me with his kids in the next room and he really wants to see me, but at the same time has all this guilt. I guess I don't envy that position. At least in my position I have the freedom to go away from the situation, it's my own weakness right now keeping me there. He's kind of stuck, whether he likes it or not.

Any married people out there in this sort of non'divorce situation?

1 Reply

@WhatToDo,

He may not be a bad person. Nice people can do bad things. Cheating on your wife is a bad thing. This hurts his wife, kids and you (even if the wife and kids are unaware). He is being selfish " even if he is not normally a selfish person.

It is easy to say of course looking at it from the outside, that the best for you is to tell him " either he divorces or you stop seeing each other permanently. Or even better tell him not to contact you until he divorces. Just remember you are also hurting his wife and kids. If you can live with it then fine.

I would guess he is sitting while he is with his wife and kids thinking, I’ve got it made. I have a hot young number on the side and a dutiful wife to take care of things at home " life is good. I can get it when I want without anyone else complaining.

I think you both may be somewhat nice being, but you are both doing bad things. I would prefer to be alone than know I was hurting some young children. You say he has guilt. I am very surprised you do not have any guilt.

0 Replies

There's no right or wrong with any human relationship except in those extreme cases where everybody knows it's wrong such as rape and incest.

Why a marriage that isn't working stays together can have a multitude of justified reasons including the children.

But life is short, and most of us can make a mistake in who we chose as our life partner. People change. I believe it's almost abnormal to have one partner throughout one's lifetime.

However, having said that, I made a choice to stick around.

Before my wife and I married, we consulted with my very old friend, a Buddhist minister's wife. She told us that when there are strains in the marriage, the grass will always look greener on the other side of the fence, but that once you involve yourself with another man or woman, after awhile, the same problems will crop up in that relationship. We tend to only look at the good things about our prospective partners, and overlook the bad.

When I look back on our life, I've been pretty lucky even though we've had our ups and downs during our 45-year old marriage; all the good stuff outweighs the bad by a long shot.

I guess I'm a one-woman man - and lucky.

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

Good for you, cincerone!

I don't think I could handle "standing in line" being second best, either as wife
or as lover. I want to be first, I deserve being first and if the man of my choice
cannot give me that, than he's not worth my love.

There are no guarantees in life and love and marriage have no guarantee either, however, you have to stay true to yourself and either take the consequences,
or stick it out.

0 Replies

Forums
» The non-divorce

Read Discussion
Reply to All

The non-divorce

Quick Links

My Account

able2know