Depression

If someone has true clinical depression, a caring layperson can't ,and probably shouldn't do anything about it besides be reasonably supportive and suggest professional help.

Perhaps seek out someone that person looks up to to enlist in the effort to get help.

The health problems that are coming from it, the behavioral problems.. are all essentially stopping this persons.. life.. their ability to MOVE even.

I have said something several times.

Maybe I need some new words?

I do understand that I cant make them change, but I almost feel as though it is my 'duty' if you will..

Hey SheW

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do... other than just be a support as and when they require you.

If someone is clinically depressed.... or whatever anyone chooses to name it... then possibly medication can help - but only from a doc and a person trained to understand the mind.

Watching someone go under is terribly difficult, especially when you can see their behaviour preventing moving on with their life. However, moving on has to be their choice. Sometimes folk don't wanna move on coz then they have to accept what their life was / is... so it's easier to live in a pit than to move forward. Moving forward means that whatever it was that sent them on the downward turn, has to be accepted. Some folk cannot accept it - no matter how much they believe they are trying, or not trying. I don't think you can change it, you can only offer support and repeat the words, trying to turn their words and yours round to fit the particular moment. (not maniuplation of the words, focusing on a tiny, any tiny positive).

He/She has to be the one who "turns their life round" - if they reach out to you, then keep your hand steady - if they choose to stay down and not climb out of the hole - there is little you can do. If someone is suicidal, well, that's a different ballgame entirely.

I have 2 friends....adults.. I feel his/her pain...

the other day one of my friends young child, who is in counselling, gave the adult a book they had been given - the child felt the adult needed it more than the child needed it...

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

Let me help you take another street!



Maybe you could write these words out for your friend, maybe use one of your photographs on a card....

Just a suggestion.

Been at the bottom of the pit myself, climbed back up - still not easy. Watching two people I love hurt the way they do...can just watch and be there when needed... hurts like hell.

suicide is not a concern thank goodness. And I can say that with 100% certainty.

but I am at the point where I can not just watch this person in this hole anymore.I tried living in that hole with them, because it was easier. I almost suffocated myself ya know?

Now, as I watch, I cant.. I dont know.. I cant TAKE it.
Im angry and I shouldnt be. But it is so obvious to me and so easy to fix.

I know what it feels like. i was there in my own hole. I was even addicted to drugs while there. I know what it feels like. But I remember knowing something was wrong, and knowing something had to change. Im guessing that is not a common thing.
I dont know.

My fear is that........ lets see if I can tell this right.

I have an aunt who has topped 500 lbs in her life. She has lost about 80lbs this last year because of health issues I wont go into here. But, I see this person doing some of what she did.
All my life, when I remember her, I remember her eating and eating and eating. Then she would be happy right after she ate, and a few hours later be a pissy monster.
To this day, I can not stand her because she is very mean, very rude, but she is so full of self hate, she projects it with out even realizing it.
Not making excuses for her.. just explaining.

Well. this person isnt full of self HATE, but watching the behavior, you would think so. Gaining almost 100 lbs in 2 years. Wakes up to eat, sit , sleep..etc. Lack of desire for many things, activities, conversation, etc.

When I see these pieces, my stomach turns picturing my aunt and how she has literally eaten herself into a solitary life . I know not all will do what she did.. but I cant handle watching this anymore.

I have tried and tried and tired to say something.

Im on the fence about taking a step to the doctor and telling him. He knows this person well. But, I also dont want to become this persons 'mother ' by doing something like that, AND .. as everyone has said, it has to be THEM that makes the change.
But what is the person who is watching this to do?
Im tired of hitting my head on the wall about it. But.. eh..

Yep SheW

When their self-destruct takes you down, then you have to put on your own life vest and rescue yourself. You are responsible to you and yours - when you find you are making little difference to how someone chooses to live their life, then you need to step back.

I lived in black... now I am often in white, sometimes grey and mostly multi-coloured. Some of my friends and family are in black - there they choose to remain. They contributed to my black hole - I chose to step back from them, and eventually crawled out - tho I do return on the occasion for a little self wallow.

You must think of you and yours.

Your can still be a friend.... a friend isn't someone who "fixes" you - it's someone who is there and won't judge despite what they do or say. But you do not need to live in "their life". Actually - you will not help her/him by being in that same place - they will take that as "it is ok to be like this". For them - it is ok to be like that - and not as simple as just stepping out and making it all alright. It's their habit. You will suffocate if you go into with them.

You have to live your life, and maybe, if they choose to LOOK, maybe they will choose to HEAR. Don't give up on them ... just don't live in their world.

All you can do, is know that you care, you have tried - and YOU haven't done anything wrong - however, they are choosing to live their life and you can't make them change - you can just show them that there is more to life by you leading your way.

SheW, my first husband was clinically depressed for years. I understand about concentrated contact with someone affecting your own well-being and how it changes your life too. I'm glad that you don't think suicide is a real concern in this case.

At some point I did say that I couldn't take it any more and that he needed to get professional help if he wanted our marriage to survive. Coincidentally, he had a workmate who was also very depressed and he was very worried about her to the point where he wanted to intervene on her behalf. He got the goose and gander speech.

He eventually agreed to talk to a counselor at his workplace, was immediately referred to a psychologist, was immediately referred to a psychiatrist and was finally able to get some help with the aid of therapy and anti-depressants.

So, yes, he has to want to want treatment in order for it to be effective but motivations can come from outside sources.

Speaking as someone who was in denial about depression, I can say that nothing anyone said made one difference to me.

I was in my own self loathing world and was quite comfortable being miserable. The idea that something might actually be wrong with me was terrifying. then, one day, my roomate in college put a card in my hand. It was the number to a therapist. All she said was "call". And for some reason, it hit me then. And I called.

Unfortunatly, many people in depression either don't want to get out for fear of the unknown (literally having forgotten what it was like to not be depressed) or because they just refuse to accept that they are depressed.

Keep trying. That's my advice. Do the legwork, find someone for them to see and keep trying. One day you might break through.

Try this symptoms checklist.

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

Beyond blue is an Australian national initiative I cannot imagine that nationality makes any difference to depession symptoms.

Theres even a bulletin board.
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=61.303

Wow Bella.

Great post.

I mean, when the roommate just put the card in your hand and said that one word.

It was your click.


relating it to what edgar said, what your roommate someone important to you, maybe not on a obvious level, but did he/she have something you "wanted"?

interesting.

She was a friend, not someone I've spoken with since college but a friend back then.

I don't know what it was.

She had said things in the past. My mom said things. Everyone seemed to be saying things to me about "getting help" and what not. But for some reason, that one instance just did it.

I don't know if it was the timing or if I just finally gave in or if the fact that she bothered to research help for me that made me throw the towel in. I do have to mention that I was still very reluctant to go. It wasn't like I walked in and was anxiously awaiting my recovery.

I went through 3 therapists before I finally settled and it took over a year before I really felt "better".

Skepticism is hard to get over. Self depreciation is even harder.

But eventually we all come to a point where we make a decision for ourselves, for good (help) or for bad (death).

Some times the only thing we need is right in front of us. Some times it isn't. But a lot of times it just takes persistence and patience and a lot of understanding for someone to break through.

No advice, just kinda nodding along.

Someone you're really close to, you can maybe kick in the pants enough times to get 'em to do something else.

Sometimes not.

Some folks have entrenched notions about mental illness. That it's just a weakness, or that they should just "snap out of it."

Try suggesting a regular exercise program, without tieing it to depression. 30 minutes of exercise is as good as a dose of antidepressant.

This person is going that route right now.
Has been for about a month maybe

we will see what happens eh?