Drinking GF

Most young people have experience with alcohol, but that's no excuse
to drink five times a week and get drunk where one passes out and can't
remember what's happening around them.

Your girlfriend might not cheat on you, John, but this doesn't mean that
some creep is taking advantage of her when she's passed out or too
drunk to decline.

I would consider her an alcoholic, and unless you're prepared for years
and years of hardship, I suggest you'll end this destructive relationship.

You should really listen to Jane, John. If there is anyone around here who knows about letting creeps take advantage of her when she's drunk, she's the one.

Why, I remember one drunken night in San Diego when she took off her top at the airport bar and danced all night, or at least until airport security came. Remember that night, Jane? Remember how I stuffed you in my trunk to save you from being arrested and took you to my Malibu retreat for a night of monkey love?

Ah the good old days...

Hi Johnmg

Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your needs. There's nothing more important, because if you aren't looking after you and your needs, then no-one is (and your girlfriend certainly isn't).

If you don't do this, then the unresolved issues/needs/etc will influence your relationship, whether you want them to or not (they don't slip silently away just because you ignore them, as many people think they do - they chatter incesantly in your subconscious, wanting to be resolved, influencing everything you do that's related to the issue/need)

As an observation regarding relationships, the members of the opposite sex can have many, many loveable qualities, but there is still a compatibility issue to consider. The problems you've described here are compatibility issues...she has characteristics that irritate you, make you anxious, and generally, drags you down.

Despite lifting you up in other areas of your life, is the overall effect of her dragging you down?

I personally don't recommend that anyone stay in a relationship that drags them down.

Think about it.

Hope it helps.

Of course I remember that night, kicky. We both ended up at the precinct -
you in monkey disguise and I was topless with fleas all over from your cheap monkey suit.
Here is my mug shot and kicky's below.

Now I can see why you couldn't keep your hands off me that night. I am a sexy sexy piece of man-meat.

That reminds me of a joke I read recently

You seem to feel that your gf gets drunk to hurt you--as though she has no life aside from her relationship with you.

This strikes me as an unhealthy, possessive attitude.

Also: I've recently been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and have done considerable research on the subject this month. Avoiding alcohol is not mentioned in any of the respectable medical web sites.

This inaccuracy casts some doubt on the validity of your other observations.

only Noddy could take a young man and flip him into a creep and an idiot because of his gf's drinking problem so quickly.

well, that's what comes from holding your dominion. :wink:


we love you noddy.

Just doubles the whole inaccuracy thing on this guy for me then. See earlier reference about baseball thread and roger seems to be the only one who gets it.

The gf's drinking problem--which may or may not exist--is one problem.

His possessiveness and inaccuracy are two more problems.

so... she's innocent until proven guilty

He's guilty until proven innocent.

status quo.

yay for inconsistencies.

Stating how much older you are, and how much more 'mature' you are , and pointing out that she is still " stuck in a youth mind set" is screaming of controlling behavior. And coming from another 'youth' just like her.. it is concerning.

Dont tell her what to do or how to do it.
Obviously sex with others, and really dangerous behavior is NOT happening or that would have been what was said before you even mentioned the drinking.
In fact, no where did you say anything about dangerous behavior... just her getting drunk.

Im not sure I see the issue here at all besides the fact that you can not make her stop doing something you dont want her to do.. ?

If the drinking is a problem for the two of you, then it is a problem. You need to tell her that YOU have the problem or being uncomfortable around drinking people. It makes YOU behave badly.

(Who really knows if she's abusing, an alcoholic, a binger or just can't handle any alcohol at all)

You need to talk to her when BOTH of you are sober. Ask her to not drink for 2 weeks (you, too) to see if you two have anything in common or not.

See what else is out there, besides drinking, or activities that involve drinking. If she can't or won't do this for you, then you've got an answer.

Doesn't sound to me like the two of you have much in common unless, John, you are her caretaker or a martyr, and I'm not suggesting you are either of those.

Point is: What are you getting out of this?

People only stay in situations, good and bad, because they're getting something out of it. So ask yourself what are YOU getting out of it.

Once you find that answer, you'll know what to do.

Love is transitional sometimes and you are young. And we often mistake other things for love, so don't put too much importance on that.

She sounds like my kinda gal. If he's anywhere near LA have her give m a call.

Just a nitpick. Only we ourselves decide how we behave. Outside actions & events can influence us, but we control our own behaviour.

If only is were so . . .

Tell that to the many men and women who were either raised by or who are living with someone with a drug and/or alcohol problem.

It DOES affect the ones living with it.

I agree with Vikorr. In this case, I believe he's saying John cannot control his g/f but he can control himself. He can remove himself from her influence if he chooses to. There is nothing keeping him around this except himself.

As to your example, sullyfish, of growing up with alcoholics, there are still choices one can make that you control, like how you're going to react to the situation, how you let if affect you, how long you stay in it (until you reach the age to move out? until you go to social services for a foster home?), what you do about it (become a drunk yourself?), etc. There are always choices for the aware person.

This relationship seems like big trouble for both of you, sitting here reading.

Especially for someone who has a tendency to want to control (raises hand, so you aren't alone) - being in a relationship with a heavy drinker is dangerous.

For both. She does have a right to get upset when you bawl her out. She has a right to her feelings and her actions.

It's a hard thing to accept.

But like others have said: your responsibility is with yourself and you are indeed responsible for what happens to you, and your part in this relationship.

If it isn't working, and your bottom line is not being met, that is the time to leave.

And if you do, give her the benefit of taking responsibility for that choice. Don't blame it on her.

Something that helps me to remind myself "At the end of the day, it is me who has to live with this decision." Thinking that simply helps to absorb that it me who is in control of my life, and me who is going to be reaping the rewards or troubles of my choices.

In my experience, there is nothing more difficult than believing you are at the mercy of someone else. As a child of an alcoholic, I took that sense of helplessness and used aggression and control to try and 'take back my power'.

It doesn't work. The only thing that works is understanding your own power over your own life and using it responsibly. It benefits all.