Happy Birthday dear Bean

Dear bean,

Tomorrow is your birthday and you will be 4.
Though if someone asks you, your answer is " Im six" and you hold up your entire hand for someone to count your fingers. If they dont find six fingers you count for them..... and you include your palm.

That makes six
Smart girl.

Yesterday at the store, I found a birthday hat for you to wear today. I have my days screwed up and when you wake up in a few minutes you are going to find streamers on the ceiling and across the table, your new hat, and a present...


You think today is your birthday because mom said so.


Its actually tomorrow


But I am not going to correct you.


You are going to wear your hat to day care today because I know you love the color purple and you love attention. I also got a few boxes of small bubbles to give the kids so that when they sing to you today, everyone can blow bubbles... Another of your favorites.

You are a total daddy's girl this year too. I think I may swing by his office and yank him out for your birthday song at day care if he can do it..
That would make your day.

Your favorite things this year are balloons, Ms Pacman , Make and Break ( board game) , gardening ... more like pushing seeds in dirt and watering them to an inch of their life until you see sprouts.. , you are counting everything in sight and give Flash Gordon a bath almost every other day.

Your favorite person in the world this year is your dad.

Sometimes I watch you two and I feel really jealous of him.
When he gets home, you squeal. When we go pick him up, you watch every single person who comes out of the tower and I can hear you muttering to yourself " thats not my daddy, thats not my daddy, thats not my daddy" until you see him.... then ..... you squeal.
We get home and you dive into his chest and talk about your day, try talk him into playing a game with you, and follow him around all evening.

When we start cooking, you go find Flash Gordon and carry him like a diamond trophy with you everywhere. Even when you go potty.
Little do you know, Flash is your best kitty friend. And he will be for many years. Hopefully as long as I have had my kitty friend. ... That would make you.. 14? if he lives as long as my cat kitten..

Sheesh honey. I dont want to think about that yet.

I can barely wrap my mind around your little body right now. Your perfect smooth curls bounce around your face when you run, or stick to your cheeks when you cry. Your eyes are green, brown, gold and red. Just like your dads. I can see a small outline of your hips and shoulders through your clothes and can picture what you will look like as a full grown woman.

I hope, as a mother I can teach you to be a strong woman. Someone who loves yourself and others with every possibility. I want you to be smart, happy and caring. I want you to be a better version of me. But in doing that, and attempting to give that lesson, I think I have looked right through you... or even past you .....

I scold you for being you. I question the very behavior that I love about you and I jump to conclusions when I should just listen to your stories and I would understand what was behind some of your behavior. But I dont . I question the rules I have given you time and time again and I know that leaves you wondering about your place in life and I am sorry for giving you something unstable. Sometimes I feel that in my pursuit of 'perfect parenting' I have stopped your development in an attempt to sculpt you to what society thinks you should be, and not who you are . The very lesson I am trying to teach you is to be yourself, yet I see sometimes I dont give you room to do that. I love you and I am sorry.

You are a 'tom boy'. You love bugs, cats, fart jokes, board games, cooking, washing , and riding your bike.

You dont like dresses and you dont like to be quiet or slow.

You like to chew with your mouth open

You like dressing yourself and wearing striped shirts inside out.

You hate wearing underware.

You dont like being asked 'why' and you need the answer to every one of your questions repeated 4 times before you move on to the next question.

Above all else, you have your father wrapped around your little pinky.
You know that V-smile thing you like so much? Yeah.. Mom would have never gotten you a hand held game like that. But you and dad were in the store and guess what.... You said " I want that" and Dad said.. Ok babe.
You should have heard him trying to convince me it was a good purchase.
Well, I truly was not that opposed.. but still.. He put on a good performance while you sat on the couch playing.

Dont forget that power when you are 10 and want some racy clothes and mom says no.
Dont forget that power when you are a teenager and mom wont let you go out on a date
Dont forget that power when you are in your 20's and need help with a car and mom says no.

But dont ever forget that he loves you more then you know. And dont forget I love you more then you know. You are the center of our universe little " Bean-ie baby"

happy birthday .