I can't argue! Is this a common problem?

I am an older only child. I didn't know how to argue either. Don't feel too badly, lots of other people don't know how, only they have different attributes, such as being belligerant, or sarcastic...various aggressive stances that don't actually translate to good argumentation. There are ways to debate, and a system for logic does exist.

Apropo of your question, I think A2k is opening a debate forum soon, with rules of debate. In the meantime, many people here argue well, and some of those who argue with each other most are friends by virtue of their continuing interactions.

Eileen--

Do you mean "argue" or do you mean "stand up for yourself"?

Have you considered assertiveness training? Or role playing confrontentational situations with a sympathetic (and assertive) friend?

Hold your dominion.

I'm an only child, and I like to argue. (Ask anyone here. )

This could indeed be good practice. On the internet, nobody knows you're blubbering. So go ahead and use the big words and crushing logic, see what works and what doesn't, and go ahead and transfer that to real life.

Role playing works, too.

Oooo . . . rôle playing . . .

OK, i'll be God . . .


You have been a very, very naughty planet . . . now feel my wrath ! ! !

My wife does it but is getting much better! It's just what she does. She's a middle child. Her family is always pleasant and seldom argues.

Me, I go for the throat. "Lay on McDuff, lay on!" "And damned be he who first cries Hold enough!"

Re what Noddy says about standing up for yourself...I found out after a while that people still like you when you are straightforward about what you are thinking. It's nice to be courteous while you are being straightforward - in fact that is the whole trick. A logical basis for argument is always useful. People differ on the value of emotion as a convincing aspect.

I'm an only child. I hate confrontation and will go to great lengths to avoid it. But when push comes to shove, I will argue. I most certainly will stand up for myself. But arguing takes a toll. My stomach is in knots. I can't stop thinking about what happened.

I've never connected my desire to avoid confrontation with being an only child. I connect it with a tremendous amount of arguing and confrontation at home when I was growing up.

We had a lot of silence at our house. Some years I had playmates and some years I didn't have. So I didn't learn the more usual give and take of "That's mine!" "No, it's mine!"

I don't think a lot of arguing is very useful, in that people tend to go away with the same opinion they started out with.
Real discussion of different views on something can be useful though. After discussion, even if it seems that both people go away with the same opinions they started out with, it may happen that a kernal of change has occurred, for one or both people - if not eventual change of view, some increase in understanding the other side, or the gray areas surrounding the topic.

A2K has some Rules of Debate posted at the top of the forums that are prone to contention, such as Politics - I think these are very well written.

I like to debate. I don't like to fight. I hate loud voices. I find them really distressing, and will avoid situations that I think will lead to yelling. It sometimes means I don't say what I'd like to, or think I should say, if the other person in the discussion is a yeller. That can be a problem in real like. I'm not quite sure where arguing fits in the debate/fight spectrum. It 'feels' like it's on the fight end of things.

That is how I was meaning it when I was talking about arguing, as when people find themselves getting strident, defensive, lashing out, louder, louder. I know argument doesn't always have that connotation, that is just how I was using it.