Ghost dad

I personally do find the choice to have a child a basically selfish decision. Laughing

The rest comes down to parenting. Good parents, and less good parents.

Discriminating parents, and parents who load up their kids with their own issues and responsibilities.

Didn't say having 2 necessarily makes it unselfish or natural. Lots of selfish couples who are parents too, who don't make very good parents.

And there are single parents who are good parents, unselfishly giving as much thought to their children as to themselves.

2 parents on board like some of those amazing single parents: it's like a reinforcement and there is also the dimension of seeing your parents love each other, too.

No matter how great the parent, hey, guess I'm old school, I believe it takes a village. Prefer the village that starts with a loving couple.

Hey, it is cultural!

Ok, this kid with the ghost dad...better have a pretty strong village. Laughing

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This is why I love A2K!

I read this article a couple of weeks ago when I was stranded without internet acess. I thought through everything that has been posted here -- it's fine/no it's not/it's selfish/how so?/onandonandon.

I really don't know how I feel about it. Something just feels not quite right about it but I'm not sure what that is.

I know a lot of kids that have great lives with one parent. And great lives without knowing either biological parent. Kids can have a great life under all kinds of circumstances.

I think that for me the child would carry too many expectations and that would make it the wrong decision for me.

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that i can sign under completely.

it ultimately has to be a selfish decision, cause one has to be ready to raise a child and want it for him/herself.

and i am sure there are many benefits to having two parents (IF they are both loving and responsible and awesome) that a single (loving, responsible and awesome) parent cannot trump no matter what. that might be a theoretical reason* to not have a child with a ghost dad. but not because it's selfish...

*that however means banking on something that may never be possible. and it is something i am thinking about a lot. how long do i wait before i go to the sperm bank? Till I'm forty? Forty something? How long does a woman who lost her husband wait? Year? Five? What if the charming prince never comes? What if she's just going through a number of miserable relationships while she could have been raising a child that she wanted on her own? Is that more conscientious of her?

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eh, boomer intercepted. I was responding to mushypancakes.

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I'd like to talk to someone who was conceived by the use of a sperm bank, to see how they feel about their biological father being just a number on a test tube.

If a woman has a child by a man that takes off, isn't around or is a total jackass, at least the kid will someday know who and what his/her biological father was - that he existed in some way in his mother's life.

But to grow up knowing that your father was dead long before you were conceived is weird. It would be exactly as the title of this thread says "a ghost dad."

How long does sperm keep in a bank? A woman could hypothetically get pregnant by a man 10, 15 or more years after his death?
Creepy.

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dagmaraka wrote:

Thinking, thinking. A lot of it seems culturally based. What it seems to boil down to (to me) is these two cases:

a) When I decide to have a child with a partner, it's unselfish and natural.

b) When I decide to have a child on my own (sperm bank), it is selfish.

Why? I just cannot get on board with that. In both cases, I decide to have a child because I have the right conditions to raise one. But when I do it with a partner it's unselfish and when I do it by myself it's selfish... I don't see the logic. What sounds more logical to me is that it is AlWAYS a selfish decision. I could more easily agree with that, though I don't think it's very relevant to the raising of the child.

Funny on item one - my same thought - having a child is a selfish thing in general. Why does a couple have a child because they want one. That is a selfish reason.

By the way I am part of couple and we have two children - for selfish reasons - we wanted them. They didn't have a say in it.

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maybe creepy.

what about that woman? what's fair? now forget the ghost dad, that's a bit more complicated. let's just say a sperm bank. say you have a woman who would really like to have children. she has all that it takes- income, house, feels emotionally ready. Feels that she would make a great mom. She never met the 'right' guy. Or maybe she doesn't care to.... Does she have the 'right' to have a child? Does the child have the 'right' to have two parents? Who decides?

Granted, I am the last person who'd be objective, since I may well become that woman...certainly inching towards that. If i don't meet Mr. Right within a few years, I will still want to have a child.

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I think alot of this is creepy because it is new and we haven't seen much of it.

How do you feel about a couple that cannot conceive because hubby is low in sperm count? Couple goes to sperm bank and the result is a happy healthy baby. The "real" father is unknown, but has an "adopted" loving dad and a "real" mom. The child will never know his "real" father. It doesn't seem in general people feel creepy about that.

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agreed. I guess that as long as i have clear conscience and best intentions that are focused on the well-being on the child, I will do my best to ignore what 'society' has to say about the matter.

And more and more people are sympathetic and getting used to the idea, I think.

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dag - the hell with society.
I don't think that wanting a child is selfish in any way. It's completely natural to want someone to love and take care of and watch grow up.

My problem is with just using any ol' sperm. I think before I used a sperm bank, I'd go The Big Chill route, and ask a friend or someone I knew to "help out."

But, it's a moot point with me now anyway. Mine are teens, and there are days I think about selling them on eBay. :wink:

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There are so many issues involved here, it's hard to know where to start.

But I'll start with this one: selfishness.

Deciding to have a child can be either a highly selfish or highly selfless action. If it's all about what I will have, it's selfish. If it's all about what I can give, it's selfless.

Remember all the hoohah over calling people "selfish" because they decided NOT to have children? As though it were a simple matter of not wanting to spend any of their income or energy on anyone besides themselves? Remember how we ranted and railed over that one?

And now we're going to call people "selfish" because they decide they DO want to have children?! Wait a minute!

Everyone gets to decide what they want to do with their life. That isn't selfish, it's responsible.

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happycat wrote:

dag - the hell with society.
I don't think that wanting a child is selfish in any way. It's completely natural to want someone to love and take care of and watch grow up.

My problem is with just using any ol' sperm. I think before I used a sperm bank, I'd go The Big Chill route, and ask a friend or someone I knew to "help out."

But, it's a moot point with me now anyway. Mine are teens, and there are days I think about selling them on eBay. :wink:

yeah, i'd have a problem with not knowing who the dad is, i think. if i ever go that route, it might be far more complicated than going to a sperm bank (but i'll defend any woman's right to do so!). i have many gay friends some of whom want kids. i don't know yet if i will be able to deal with that (another big potential can of worms), but the thought has crossed my mind. scary either way.

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dag, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of women with gay friends do just that sort of thing.

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