Lord Elpus has been submitting petitions to Tony Blair again

It's not the petitions I worry about; it's the crank phone calls.

"Hello? Is that the woman who advertised for..."

< FOR CORPOREAL DISCIPLINE, PRESS ONE >

"Eh? I just wanted a quick..."

< FOR ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION, PRESS TWO >

"Animals? What, you mean getting one to give me a bloody good.. "

< FOR ONANISM, PRESS THREE >

"Ah! I've always enjoyed paper folding...I used to make those little..."

< FOR WATERSPORTS, PRESS FOUR >

"Well, I've always been a competent diver...there was this woman in Fiji once, and I had to don my snorkel before going down..."

< FOR ANY OTHER FETISH, PRESS FIVE >

"Fetish? NOW LOOK HERE.... I may be British, but that doesn't automatically mean I'm into any sort of fetish......"

< FOR BEING BEATEN MERCILESSLY ON THE BOTTOM WITH AN OVERSIZED SPATULA WHILE A TROOP OF GIRL GUIDES STAND IN THE BACKGROUND SINGING SONGS FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC, PRESS SIX >

" Ah! Six it is then, ......BEEP "

See what I mean?

Elpus still has a crank on his phone? That could explain a few things.

No, no, Ellpus is the crank on the phone. (I think. But, come to think of it, your interpretation of 'crank' makes sense also.)