Ah, here it is -
quoting JustBrooke -
Nobody is immune from being abused.
The sad things is....many victims do not have a clue, what signs to look for, until it is too late. Abuse is simply not a male problem. Or a poor mans problem. It's not a drug users problem. There is no such thing as being demographically immune from abuse.
Who abuses? Big people/little people do. White/black people do. Male/female......Rich/poor.....Police do. Criminals do. Therapists do. Republicans do. Democrats do. Christians do. Non-believers do. In essence, you could say that abuse is an equal opportunity problem.
Many women/men are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are potentially abusive. If the person has several of the behaviors ...(say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence ....the more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases..... a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that you can recognize, but they are exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).
At the time of a relationship.... an abuser might say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/she might question their partner about whom they spend time with....such as family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, they may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.
2. QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered people dated knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married..... engaged... or living together. Everything seems like a whirlwind.
3. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for the your safety. They can become very angry if you are "late" coming home. An abuser might question you closely about where you went.... and whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse....you may even feel like you have to ask permission to leave the house.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs. Such as expecting you to be the perfect mate, lover, and friend. They might say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need.....you're all I need." You are exptected to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and physically. A potential abuser really doesn't want to "share" you with anyone.
Which brings me to number 5.
A potential abuser might try to cut you off from all resources. If you are a female and you have male friends...he might call you a "whore." If you have female friends....he might call you a lesbian.... if you are close to family, you are "tied to the apron strings." The abuser might accuse people who are supportive of you....of "causing trouble."
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS
Do you often take the blame for things that go wrong in your partners life? Even things you have no control over....or are not involved in. Such as things that might go on at your partners work place? Does your partner blame you for the mistakes he makes. Perhaps by telling you that you made him lose his concentration?
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS
When your partner is angry..it is because of something you said or done. Therefore.......they tell you that they can't help it. If your partner is sad...you aren't doing enough to make them happy. Every emotion that your partner has.....they make you responsible for.
An abuser is easily insulted. They take the slightest setbacks in life, as personal attacks. They might "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that happen. Things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. They may expect children to be able to do things beyond their ability .....(whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) An abuser might expect the children to stay in their in rooom, when he/she is home. Or they will tease children until they cry.
10. USE OF FORCE DURING SEX
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. They may want to act out fantasies during sex where their partner is helpless. The idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. A male abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill.
11. VERBAL ABUSE
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner. Cursing them... calling them names and running down their accomplishments. The abuser will tell their partner they are stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you sleep.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser expects their victim to serve them. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Many victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. One minute they are nice.........the next minute they are exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
15. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The user may beat on tables with his/her fists, throw objects around or near the victim. This is very nasty behavior..... not only is this sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there's great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to frighten their partner.
Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be about control.
Love should bring "color" into your life. It should make you want to get up in the morning. Love should make you smile. And even on it's darkest days......love should make you feel safe, and warm.
If it doesn't.....then something is wrong.
(end of quote of Brooke's post)
Jespah's post is very useful.