Saddam Dies; Gets 34 Virgins

Written by NickFun

The entire Muslim community was angered today when it was revealed that Saddam Hussein received only 34 virgins after death. That's less than half the number of virgins promised in the Koran.

"Muslim law says he should get 72 virgins", said Muslim cleric Salaam Mohamed Bin Taj Din al-Hilali. "He was the leader of a nation. He should get at least 72 virgins if not more!"

Several sources said there were several reasons Saddam was not awarded his allotment of virgins. One unnamed Shiite cleric said "The main reason is there are not as many virgins in heaven as there were at the time the Koran was written. I am sure Saddam will get more virgins as eternity progresses. This is only a temporary situation. Also, there are people in heaven that are opposed to Saddam because he killed them. As more supporters of Saddam's die there will be a greater chance of him getting his virgins".

"I think we should give him all the virgins he wants", said non-Muslim New York bartender Tony Arcidi. "You ever been with a virgin? I was with one back in '93 and let me tell you, I hope I never see another one. A virgin is all tight and nervous, there?s blood and screams of pain when the hymen breaks, and after that she falls in love with you and becomes a nagging, jealous bitch. Could you imagine having 72 of those all screaming and pulling each others hair out. And each one of them is calling you a hundred times a day saying shit like 'you don't love me' and 'you love her more than me.' I'll tell ya, that's my definition of hell."

Very few Muslims were willing to blame Allah directly for Saddam's lack of virgins. Allah was unavailable to comment.

NickFun wrote:

Written by NickFun

The entire Muslim community was angered today when it was revealed that Saddam Hussein received only 34 virgins after death. That's less than half the number of virgins promised in the Koran.

"Muslim law says he should get 72 virgins", said Muslim cleric Salaam Mohamed Bin Taj Din al-Hilali. "He was the leader of a nation. He should get at least 72 virgins if not more!"

Several sources said there were several reasons Saddam was not awarded his allotment of virgins. One unnamed Shiite cleric said "The main reason is there are not as many virgins in heaven as there were at the time the Koran was written. I am sure Saddam will get more virgins as eternity progresses. This is only a temporary situation. Also, there are people in heaven that are opposed to Saddam because he killed them. As more supporters of Saddam's die there will be a greater chance of him getting his virgins".

"I think we should give him all the virgins he wants", said non-Muslim New York bartender Tony Arcidi. "You ever been with a virgin? I was with one back in '93 and let me tell you, I hope I never see another one. A virgin is all tight and nervous, there?s blood and screams of pain when the hymen breaks, and after that she falls in love with you and becomes a nagging, jealous bitch. Could you imagine having 72 of those all screaming and pulling each others hair out. And each one of them is calling you a hundred times a day saying shit like 'you don't love me' and 'you love her more than me.' I'll tell ya, that's my definition of hell."

Very few Muslims were willing to blame Allah directly for Saddam's lack of virgins. Allah was unavailable to comment.

Yes, mock all you want. Don't think Allah doesn't know what you hide and what you show. Eventually you will die and know the truth, the truth that you've been living a life of nothing but mere conjectures and falsehoods. The only nirvana you will have along with the rest of your deluded followers is in Hell.

Then the final fate of those who did evil will be the worst, because they denied Allah's signs and mocked them. (Surat ar-Rum, 10)

Man I thought the nuns in high school were stiff......

34 virgins, no viagra.

So what does a female martyr get when she blows herself up? 72 fumbling, inexperienced men who need someone to draw them a map? No, thanks.