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Sun 15 Jun, 2003 11:57 pm
Although I hate musicals, I admit a grudging like for Les Miserables, which was of course based on the great Victor Hugo epic. This got me to wondering what people's nominations would be for worst musical adaptations of books ever. Here are a few of my humble suggestions (all of which should be followed by 'the musical'):
1. Ulysses
2. The Silence of the Lambs
3. Waiting for Godot
4. Rememberance of Things Past
5. Naked Lunch
How's about 'Cannibal: the Musical", based on the the life and culinary exploites of Alfred Packer. Who couldn't enjoy something like the TRAPPER SONG:
I can catch a helpless animal,
Skin it with my bare hands.
I wake up muddy,
And I go to bed bloody,
'Cause I'm a trappin' man.
I can brave the nastiest weather.
Weather!
Even if it's 80 below.
Below!
My pa was an elephant, but that's irrelevant.
My ma was an Eskimo.
I eat rabbits' heads for breakfast.
Breakfast!
With beaver butt on the side.
The side!
My mind's magnificent and my body no different.
I'm full of trapper pride!
Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Yo-ho!
Rip their fur, cut their skin with my knife.
Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Yo-ho!
One thing's for sure, there's nothing like a trappin' life!
I'm badder than the baddest sailor!
Sailor!
I make love to women to 10 feet tall.
Good lord!
I've got a chest of wonder and balls of thunder.
I can break right through a wall.
I love the sound of metal,
Metal!
Snapping on an animal's head.
Ka-chink!
Sometimes they scamper
Sometimes they whimper
But they always end up dead.
I've always wanted to be somebody
Who didn't get pushed around.
Now that I'm a trapper,
I'm the meanest guy around.
(Frenchy interrupts)
Second meanest!
The blood of a fresh-cut rodent
Is as sweet as brandy wine.
And the brain of an antelope
Tastes like cantelope.
What a yummy life!
Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Yo-ho!
Rip their fur, cut their eyes out with my knife.
Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Yo-ho!
Only Trey Parker could have pulled that off....I especially like the bit about eating rabbit's heads for breakfast...
I'm thinkin' a musical based on the life and times of Millard Fillmore.
Or Taft...dude had a pet cow and died in a bathtub...he is a hero in my wealthy Jewish neighbourhood for building up the Phillipines. Now there are plenty of housekeepers around to exploit
Schindler's List
The Good The Bad and The Ugly
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
The English Patient
Paint Your Wagon. Can you imagine being serenaded by such legendary crooners as Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin? It was terrible. While living in Madeira I woke to the melodic strains of Lee Marvin. How on Earth a Portuguese station found it was beyond belief. How far away do you have to go?
Jean Genet's 'Our Lady of the Flowers'
Sartre's 'Nausea'
My Dinner with Andre
Saving Private Ryan
The Hound of the Baskervilles
The Pit and the Pendulum
Edgar and Cav: Are you sure these are musicals?
I'm constantly on the lookout for Hitler On Ice...or Jews In Space.....
I'm beginning to think Mel was pulling my leg......
Sure they are, bob - In our imaginations.
Oh, yeah -
Remembrance of Things Past
Yeah, bob, we're making up worst musical adaptation fantasies, i.e. what book, play or movie would make the worst musical.
Black Hawk Down
Blake's 'Vala, or the Four Zoas'
Ooh, speaking of Hitler on Ice (I saw that as a kid, and so wanted it to be true...), what about "Walt Disney: The Nazi Years"?
How 'bout "I Feel Pretty..the Secret Life Of J Edgar Hoover"?
The Flinstones Meet the Jeffersons
Hit Theme Song:
"Well we're movin' on up
to the Neander Valley
to a deluxe apartment
in a ca-ave!
Yeah, we're movin' on up
(movin' on up)
to the Ice Age,
we finally got met a cavemen named Dave!
<quick key change>
Jeffersons! Meet the Jeffersons!
They're a Stone Age spun-off family!
From the
town of New York
Check out the skins on Sherman Hel-lmsley!"
Top Ten worst ideas for musicals:
10. Jonathan Livingston Seagull - the musical.
9. Living History (the Autobiography of Hillary Clinton) - the musical.
8. Greater Cedar Rapids, Iowa Yellow Pages - the musical.
7. Koyaanisqatsi - the musical.
6. The Book of Mormon - the musical.
5. Principia Mathematica - the musical.
4. Shoah- the musical.
3. Upton Sinclair's The Jungle - the musical.
2. Johnny Got His Gun - the musical.
1. Mein Kampf - the musical. (apologies to "Springtime For Hitler")
A faux pas. I misunderstood the title for the intent. Let me atone by listing my choices.
The Ra Expeditions Thor Heyerdahl
Origin of Species Charles Darwin
Silent World Jacques Yves Cousteau
I do not believe I have seen a musical I didn't like. On my trip to London last March for the London Gathering, I saw three musicals, and enjoyed them all. Phantom, Les Mis, Jolson, We Will Rock You, Showboat, Grease, Chicago, Smokey Joe's Cafe, show the wide range of musicals that I have enjoyed. c.i.
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