> I finally got> around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and> frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the> frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the> frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake> without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little> whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into> the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.> >
A young women asked her mother one day, "How do I keep guys off me?"
and mom said, "Ask him what the baby's name will be."
So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are trying to hit on her,
"What will the baby's name be?"
This gets rid of them in a hurry.
Then one guy danced real close with her and she asked the usual question,
and he took her upstairs and when finished she asks again,
"What will the baby's name be?"
He then removes the condom, ties it off at the top and
says, "if the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini..."
A husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f...kin' funeral director would
be my first guess.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there Goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister..."
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."
"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."
The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."
"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."
The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."
"Very good!" said St. Peter.
The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."
I was walking home one day, and I took a shortcut through the cemetery.
As I was walking, I heard a great boom, and then several thump, thump, thumps behind me. It was a casket, that had somehow erupted from its grave and was hopping straight towards me. I ran out of the cemetery and ran for home.
It followed me out of the cemetery, so I ran faster. However, no matter how fast I ran, the casket would still be a few yards behind me.
thump thump thump
I reached my house, unlocked the door, went inside, and shut the door.
thump thump thump
I ran down the hallway. The first room I saw was the bathroom.
I heard the door bust open, but I had no time to look back.
thump thump thump
I ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
thump thump thump
I looked around. I needed something. Anything.
thump thump thump
It was already trying to knock down the bathroom door. I frantically opened my medicine cabinet and grabbed the first thing I saw.
A bottle of pills.
The bathroom door was knocked down, and I stood in horror as the casket jumped at me. I threw the bottle at the casket before it reached me, and it suddenly dropped to the floor before me, and didn't move again.
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
