@hingehead,
I initially thought they were so I googled Tim Vine one liners to see if I could give him the credit. I couldn't, but that doesn't mean he didn't write some of them, just that my cursory research couldn't find evidence that he had.
Modern Love Story by Older Folks
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic
text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her . . . "I'm on the toilet . . . please advise."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.
This one's so bad it bears repeating.
LIfe Lesson for today: I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped, saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?" .......that's pretty much the last thing I remember...
Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out.
A little to the right. A little to the left.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts...
Trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy... a huge smile on his face as his wife moaned.
Forward, then backward. Forward, then backward. Again and again.
Her heart was pounding, now. Her face was flushed.
She moaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally... totally exhausted... she let out a piercing scream:
"OK, OK, you smug bastard... I CAN'T parallel park! You do it!"
***
Biology Class
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk' , worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test range, he wrote
7.) It comes in 2 attractive containers.
He got an A.
