@Pearlylustre,
The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
His case comes up next week
Jesus walks into a motel. Throws 3 nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHHHHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
@Wilso,
Wacky Wilso! Glad to have you back
@Wilso,
Wilso wrote:
Jesus walks into a motel. Throws 3 nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
Wow!!!!!!!!! One of the all-time best really-bad jokes!
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”
It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!
@vonny,
Did they bury the rest of his money von? That's a bit far-fetched.
@spendius,
That's what you worry about? It's a joke. What about all the jokes with talking animals?
Like the white horse who goes into a pub asking what they've got to drink. The barman tells him they've all manner of drinks even one named after him, and the horse replies, 'What, Eric?'
Ok that probably worked better when they still sold white horse whisky.
Why the long face?
@izzythepush,
I was only chuching vonny under the chin my dear about how bad her joke was.
@spendius,
This is the bad jokes thread. Far fetchedness doesn't really come into play when dealing with jokes.
Here's a Tim Vine gag.
A man told me he was dressing up as an island off the coast of Italy. I said 'Don't be so silly.'
@izzythepush,
Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over. ”What’s the problem”, asked his wife. ”Are you OK?” “I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam. ”And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife. ”You bet!” exclaimed Adam. ”I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”
@vonny,
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
@izzythepush,
Incidently I heard a variation of Vonny's joke. One where at a funeral where it was traditional to put money in the coffin a braggart said that however much money the rest put in he would double it. As no one liked him the rest of the mourners amassed a small fortune. The punchline is the same.
The way i heard it, the other two each put the cash in the coffin, and the lawyer took the cash, wrote a check for the total sum of all three men, and left the check in the coffin.
@Setanta,
Three reasons why we should experiment on lawyers instead of laboratory rats.
1 There's more of them
2 You don't get attached to them like you would a rat.
3 There's certain things a rat won't do.
Why don't lawyers eat shark in a restaurant?
Professional courtesy.
