You Might Be a Redneck Elf If...
1. You bought your enchanted sword at K-Mart.
2. You notch your ears for every dwarf you've taken down.
3. Your sword has the words "Craftsman" printed on it.
4. The only ranger you know is made by Ford.
5. You live in a double wide tree house.
6. The porch of your tree house collapses and kills more than 4 cooshee.
7. You've ever used a homemade still to brew fey-whiskey.
8. You know every animal in the forest...literally.
9. Your lyre is a banjo.
10. You've ever played "dueling lyres."
11. If orcs are afraid to walk by your house.
12. If you've ever said, "Squeal like a hydra, fat boy!"
13. If your version of casting a fireball or magic missile involves lighting a fart.
14. If you have a velvet painting of Elric.
15. If your elven boots are blue suede.
16. If your wallet is on a chain and your cooshee isn't.
17. If you've ever said, "Hobbit, you've got a pretty mouth."
18. If your mana is grits.
19. If you know more than 3 ways to roast a unicorn.
20. If you've ever fully executed the "pull my wand" joke.
21. If you were married in a crossbow wedding.
22. If your crossbow is a 12-gauge.
23. You buy grog in 12 packs.
24. If your answer to, "How do you keep orcs out of the backyard?" is "Hang one in the front."
25. If you've ever gone Balrog tipping.
26. There's a sign in your window that says, "If this tree's a rocking, don't come a knocking."
27. If goblins say you're messy and smell bad.
28. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a dragon horde.
29. If your ceremonial robes are polyester.
30. Your place of worship has a spittoon and a two drink minimum.