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How to get my wife feelings back towards me?

 
 
jysaner
 
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 12:40 am
I have been married 9 years, a month ago my wife told me she no longer has feelings for me and wants her space, but wants and needs me to live as friends. We have 7 year old son and she had a miscarriage in November, the pregnancy was planned, though she tells me she made a decision to go eventually to go her way six months ago.
Since the miscarriage I made no attempt to make love with her as I felt it to be incentitive, but always cuddled her and told her I love you daily as normal. A month ago, put her arms around me before work and I took that as a posititive sign and that night I made love to her, she appeared to respond willingly. Though the next few days she declared that she just wants to be friends and that I give her SPACE.
She explained the way I have been over the years and that she was not happy and she wants to find a job and eventually for us to part and divorce I suppose. I have seen a counsellor three times and my wife is not interested to come or to try to sort things out.
My question therefore is if I remain patient and support can there be a hope of a reflection of her thoughts and reversal of her feelings. Which she has said aplogeticaly that she does not have anymore?
In a discussion last week I said, with no feelings that is it then, do you want me to LEAVE, she replied if it is easier for you and that she will give me a decision soon. Later in bed I ask to cuddle and she went on to say let's not get dramatic and not to make the decision.
She may be stalling for time as in the last six months to establish herself or keep things open, she did say DO n't push me, which could be taken as a positive.
It is very hard and I do n't know how to act and what to do at this time.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 14,024 • Replies: 35
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 12:53 am
jysaner,

Welcome to A2K first of all. Sorry it's under these circumstances.

I am really at a loss as to what to tell you except that I believe there is always hope. I think the best thing would be if she would agree to go to counseling with you. Kind of hard to work on a marriage by yourself.

Has she been depressed a lot since the miscarriage? Perhaps that is the problem?
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jysaner
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 01:31 pm
Momma Angel wrote:
jysaner,

Welcome to A2K first of all. Sorry it's under these circumstances.

I am really at a loss as to what to tell you except that I believe there is always hope. I think the best thing would be if she would agree to go to counseling with you. Kind of hard to work on a marriage by yourself.

Has she been depressed a lot since the miscarriage? Perhaps that is the problem?


She had decided apparentley before becoming pregnant which we both wanted and planned. Obiviously there is an emptiness somewhere and say she does not know what she wants in her life and she will be 43 and does n't want this life anymore; i.e. with me.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 01:37 pm
You can't make someone fall in love (or back in love) with you.

Move on.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 01:38 pm
jysaner,

Have you tried to get her to a doctor? I am sure you have. I would venture a guess and say that with possibly some medication and some counseling she will be herself again. I am sure she is grieving jysaner. I am sure you are also grieving.

I wish I had the answers for you.
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blacksmithn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2006 01:39 pm
Been there, done that. Go to a good lawyer and get out fast. Get as much custody and visitation as you possibly can. Stop wasting your life waiting for her to "come around" and love you again.
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jysaner
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Apr, 2006 04:02 pm
Momma Angel wrote:
jysaner,

Have you tried to get her to a doctor? I am sure you have. I would venture a guess and say that with possibly some medication and some counseling she will be herself again. I am sure she is grieving jysaner. I am sure you are also grieving.

I wish I had the answers for you.



She went in late February for aniexty and got sleeping tablets two days before we had sex last. After that everything came out, there is anger and no desire to work things out with a conunselor. She is in the path of finding herself and her eventual future, whilst I am the supportive 'friend'.
The miscarriage is part of all this with the combination of disatisfaction.
She goes away to her parents for 10 days with my son and I'll see the situation upon her return. It will give me a break.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Apr, 2006 05:35 pm
jysaner,

I am so sorry this is so hard on you. There is a grieving process we all must go through. If you look up Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, it will tell you about it. Right now, I would say she is heavy in the anger stage. Your support probably means more to her than either of you think.

Here is a link for you:

http://www.healthy.net/scr/interview.asp?Id=205

I know that no one can make these decisions for you. We can all give you advice and tell you what we think but it isn't making the decision. Just try not to make a decision in the heat of anger or passion. They usually are the wrong ones.

But, just keep posting here. I am sure others will come along with great advice. There are some very wise people on A2K. Some have helped me greatly.

I hope that you get some rest and peace of mind during the ten days she is away. Be good to yourself.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Apr, 2006 05:41 pm
I have a tendency to agree with Blacksmith on this. At least go and speak with a lawyer to know your options. I know it hurts and sympathize.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Apr, 2006 07:45 am
The miscarriage (which the two of you could not share) is probably only part of the problem.

I agree with Osso and blacksmithn about seeing a lawyer. Your wife will see you are taking her at her word and this will either open communication between you or start the process of divorce.

Meanwhile, concentrate on your son. He may feel that the discord between you and your wife is his fault--which it is not. In any his world is coming apart and he needs your attention and love more than ever.
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blacksmithn
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Apr, 2006 11:56 am
Absolutely pay attention to your child. It isn't escaping his grasp, however young he may be, that things aren't right with Mommy and Daddy. He needs to be reassured that he is loved and that none of this is his fault. That sounds ridiculous, but in their own egocentric universe kids internalize this stuff and work it out so that something they said or did caused the rift.
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crimsontriad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Apr, 2006 09:30 am
i agree with most of the advice given here. be there for the child. talk to a lawyer. and if she wont come to counseling sessions just talk to her. ask her when it was that the spark went out of the relationship. just talk. communication or the lack thereof is the most common reason for relationships to break down. a lot of times people get into the mindset "we've been together so long, surely they know what i am thinking" but the sad truth is, that unless someone gained the power of telepathy somewhere over the course of the relationship, you cant read the other's mind completely. just ask her why the feel the way she does, ask her to vent all of her feelings and get them out in the open. also did she mention why she wanted to get pregnant after she felt the spark die? if she doesnt want to talk or seem even the slightest bit interested in salvaging the relationshop then yes, it is time to move on. if the ship is sinking, get off. i cant imagine how hard it must be on you to be going through all of this. my condolences.
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kudlaite
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Apr, 2006 11:15 pm
I feel for you. I really do. The hardest kind of fight is the one where one is completely silent. Think about the past events, perhaps some fight where she gave some hint. Like everyone said, there isnt really advice that can be given without knowing what the issue is really. My suggestion, try asking her, but if she still doesn't talk to you about it, just let her be. She needs to sort some things out herself, and the best you can do is to continue to show her that you really love her and are willing to change to accomodate whatever it is she has a problem with. Tell her you want to work it out with her and no issue can be big enough to stop you from doing that. After that, just let her decide on her own. I hope you guys will get over this and live the short life that we have, a little happily.
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lovehurts
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 09:44 am
My relationship
This weekend me and my boyfriend broke up. he said his feelings have faded!! We've been arguing a lot. we have not got in any big fights ever in the 9 months we have been dating. He hopes his feelings will change back. We started dating again and are going to both change back to when we didn't argue.. But im scared that his feelings wont change back. If he wants them to do you think it'll help more than not wanting them to change? Also he said he's missing out on being with his friends? I'm doing the same thing. I don't know what to say to him!
Thanks
Love Hurts
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Eva
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 12:10 pm
I'm sorry to have to say this, but it's highly unlikely his feelings will change back. It doesn't matter what he wants....nobody can "make" themselves feel anything. The two of you might be able to work out a good friendship, but that's all you should expect.

Be glad he was honest with you. Many guys wouldn't be.

It's time to move on.
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blacksmithn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 12:14 pm
Jesus H. Christ on a crutch, can't anyone in this friggin' country ever just let something END?

Accept that it's over and move ON!

There's a plethora of other fish in the sea and more than one of them will make a better partner for you.

Now go and trouble me no more!
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lovehurts
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 01:10 pm
He wants his feelings to change back though... so y should i have to move on if we both want to be together Question
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blacksmithn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 01:13 pm
But they haven't.

Are you familiar with the concept of being strung along?

Are you familiar with the concept of booty call?
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tin sword arthur
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 01:13 pm
Eva wrote:
I'm sorry to have to say this, but it's highly unlikely his feelings will change back. It doesn't matter what he wants....nobody can "make" themselves feel anything.


I believe your question was already answered. Both of you need to realize this. If those feelings are lost, odds are they are lost. But if you are willing to stick it out and try it, good luck.
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Eva
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 May, 2006 01:41 pm
I think that would be a waste of time. They'll just make themselves and each other miserable, trying to recapture feelings they once had. Like I said before, it's time to move on.

So many people waste so much time this way. Often, because they don't want to face being alone. But being by oneself can be very freeing.
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