Weird stories from the Bible. Sex, murder, betrayal and more

i dont know fuckall about the bible, but i'm enjoying reading up on this thread. <grins>

There was a Christian-socialist (or something) peace movement here for a long time, back when, not big obviously, called "From swords into ploughshares". That been an international thing?

Maybe not that movement but the wording prevails. Bread/guns swords/plows is timeless.


Thanks Monger! That's the one. Verry funny story!

Lippy avatar you got there, Craven....

When i was about eight, i found my greatgrandmother's family bible. It was huge, and weighed a ton. It had many full page plates of intricate engravings, and was printed in a lovely copperplate, which was not too difficult to read.

I read the whole thing, twice. I've forgotten most of it, fortunately. I was disgusted somewhat, and more and more as i've aged, with the picture of Lot: he's visited by an angel (care to share what yer smokin' dude?), and when the crowd--as denizens of a walled city in dangerous times--wants to know who he's plannin' to keep overnight, he shoves one of his daughters out on the street to shut them up. Hey, thanks Dad, i always wondered what gang rape felt like. Later, ol' Yaweh, the eternal ill-tempered adolescent, decides Sodom and Gemorrah need a lesson in civility to angels, so he torches both cities with everyone in them--way to go, Big Boy! Then Lot's wife, as would be only natural, turns for one last regretful look at the tidy little home she'd kept all those years, so the Big Guy turns her into a pillar of salt--to show His love of all his children, no doubt. When Lot and his daughters bunk down in the cave, they go for a little (a lottle, really) incest. One joker at AFUZZ once seriously said to me that i should be able to see the necessity to assure that a man's line does not fail.

Them ol' timey Isuh-rail-lights was a fun bunch, no?

You remembered all the juicy details from that story. It's a good one.

Another one I like but that is a wee bit fuzzy in my head is how some dud (I'm bad with names) was practicing selective breeding and trying to change the color of the livestock he was caring for (he had made a deal that all the dark ones were his with the owner of the sheep ro something).

anywho he was putting different color sticks in front of them while breeding trying to influence what color they'd turn out to be.

I'm thinking it was Moses while he was waiting for his wifey and his father in law was hassling him.

Could be, Boss, but i'd have to look it up . . . which i ain't inclined to do . . . the whole Lot saga stuck in mind 'cause that's how i learned about incest . . .

Same here.

Craven, Jacob was the one demonstrating a complete ignorance of heredity in Genesis 30. He worked seven years for Laban to earn his younger daughter Rachel in marriage, but Laban deceived him and substituted her older sister Leah on their wedding night. Jacob didn’t figure it out til the next morning, and demanded Rachel. Laban made him stay with Leah for the bridal week, then gave him Rachel as his second wife in return for agreeing to another 7 years of work. Jacob also begot sons by their maidservants Zilpah and Bilhah, in a rather strange competition between the sisters to win his love by giving him sons-by-proxy as Sarah did for Abraham.

The rape story you mentioned earlier is from Genesis 34. Shechem violated Dinah, Jacob’s daughter, but loved her and wanted to marry her. Shechem’s father offered Jacob anything he wanted as bride price. Shechem and company agreed to be circumcised, but Jacob’s sons Simeon and Levi then killed all of the men, looted the city, and took all of the women and children captive. Jacob worried that this might provoke an attack by the neighboring tribes.

No mention of Dinah’s fate after being “rescued” but probably the same as Tamar, who whose brother Absalom kept her in his house and told her to keep quiet after their brother Amnon raped her. (Amnon pretended to be sick, asked for Tamar to hand-feed him in his bedroom and then grabbed her.) Their father, King David, was furious but did nothing. Two years later, Absalom avenged his sister’s rape by killing Amnon. (2 Samuel 13)

David was no angel. He committed adultery with Bathsheba and got rid of her husband by setting him up to be killed in battle. This displeased God, so he made their son sicken and die. But David simply impregnated her again, and this time God approved of their son Solomon. (2 Samuel 11)

Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, but God had no problem with this until some of these foreign women turned Solomon’s heart to other gods. God’s punishment for Solomon was for his son to lose most of his kingdom. (1 Kings 11)

God seems to think that justice is served by punishing sons for the sins of their fathers. After Ham accidentally saw Noah naked, Noah cursed Ham’s son Canaan and made him a slave to his brothers. (Genesis 9)

I am amazed that anyone who has read the entire Bible could seriously hold it up as a moral guide.

Yup, Terry, you got em all. Dinah was one of the first stories I read in which I understood rape. I remember thinking that Absalom did what I'd have done.

As long as I got people here to help correct my memory (what was I thinking with 'Moses'? He married a dark skinned lady not two sisters ) I might as well toss out a few others.

Well the Samson whooping on Philistines with the jawbone of an ass is quite funny, but a famous one. I always liked his flaming fox trick.

The kid in the New Testament who fell out a window spooked the heck out of me as a kid.

I probably mentioned the "joints of his loins" story already.

There is an abstract mention of 'chariots' in the NT that many interpret as being cars. I'd say it's a bit of a stretch.

There's the tale (false) about how Shakey signed the KJV by inserting his name in Psalms 46.

There's the oral sex episode in SOS.....

I must admit I know little to none about neither the New nor the Old Testament ....

but I think I've found the perfect place to read up about it!

http://www.thebricktestament.com/