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need advice about contacting old girlfriend

 
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:49 am
Crazielady420 wrote:
My best advice, go with your heart, your gut instinct... you only live once... the choice is yours, you already know the consequences that could caome about because of this, but if in your eyes it is worth it, then go for it... don't live life with regrets....


The problem with this is that the consequences will be to other people, not just to JoeB.

I always think that the bottom line in relationship questions is about not hurting other people. JoeB doesn't seem to have a good grasp on how he's hurting other people. Before, during or after.

I was going to say that makes me sad. Then I realized it actually makes me angry.
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:52 am
ehBeth wrote:
Crazielady420 wrote:
My best advice, go with your heart, your gut instinct... you only live once... the choice is yours, you already know the consequences that could caome about because of this, but if in your eyes it is worth it, then go for it... don't live life with regrets....


The problem with this is that the consequences will be to other people, not just to JoeB.

I always think that the bottom line in relationship questions is about not hurting other people. JoeB doesn't seem to have a good grasp on how he's hurting other people. Before, during or after.

I was going to say that makes me sad. Then I realized it actually makes me angry.


Thats just me... then again... I am not even close to the whole marraige and kids stage yet... so my advice may not be the best in the case....

Disregard my advice please... I really don't feel as though I have a place to say it... It's true... Sad
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:59 am
ehbeth,
if i do contact her one of the following will happen:
1. totally ignore me but know how I feel
2. tell me to go f%$ myself, but know how i feel
3. sic her boyfrind on me ( he will KICK MY ASS)
4. have the police pay me avist with restraining order

or;

1. call me and tell me not now (this is ok)
2. call me and get together for coffee (this is better)
3. call me and say her current relationship isn't working
(real good)

but non of these outcomes would be considered messing up her life would it?
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:01 am
Ah, Issy, of course you have a place to say your thoughts. Each of us gives our opinions. None of us have a lock on the right to express ourselves.

Mr JoeB, we recently had a poster on this board who was involved with a married man who owned a contracting business. His children were 16 and 18 at the time (one away at college, the other finishing high school). He was legally separated and there was no divorce in sight.

As we listened to her story we decided that this man was totally self-centered and was using her. She eventually broke it off.

You haven't been to any weddings in the last six months or so, have you? Shocked
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:03 am
joeb wrote:


non(sic) of these outcomes would be considered messing up her life would it?


The fact that you are not getting divorced is the only thing you need to consider. Any contact with this woman would be an attempt to mess up her life!
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:08 am
j-b

it's not that divorce isn't in sight, it is just that the financial tangle of being married 21 years, 3 properties, 3 mortgages, almost 2 in college, ect. it makes more sense to pull it apart one strand at a time, i've seen it get ugly, it's expensive, and stupid, nobody wins.

but if i was given an utltimatum, as in" I won't speak to you untill I see divorce papers this time", I would run to my lawyers office, and beg for an expiteded divorce
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:41 am
joeb wrote:
ehbeth,
if i do contact her one of the following will happen:
<snip>
but non of these outcomes would be considered messing up her life would it?


You have no idea what the effect on her life would be.
I have no idea what the effect on her life would be.
She has no idea what the effect on her life would be.

You are considering taking a risk with someone else's life.

You're not part of her life.
She has a life.

You made a decision about your life in the past - to go on without her.
She went on without you.

Once you're divorced, and have had some time (a year or two at least) to settle into single life, I'd suggest that's the time to think about all of this again.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:43 am
Issy - your opinions need to be heard as much as any poster's.

We've all got different perspectives.
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 11:44 am
ehBeth wrote:
Issy - your opinions need to be heard as much as any poster's.

We've all got different perspectives.


I know that Laughing but I honestly don't feel my opinion would help this situation..... I can't really feel where he is coming from... I haven't been there and I don't know if I have matured enough to reach the point of giving advice on this...
0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 12:24 pm
Did I miss that he's not getting divorced? If that's the case, I retract my advice.
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 12:43 pm
OK folks, thank you for the advice, especially ehbeth, you are most likley right in your opinions. Maybe whats going on is that I am really afraid of being alone, having never been alone (without a girlfriend or wife).

I feel better after reading the posts, not so focused on getting face to face with her right away.

thanks all, I will let you know how I make out

joe
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 12:48 pm
All the more reason not to try to hook up. Relationships, while they are in some ways about not being alone, are also about being with someone you really like. Go out in the world and have some more experiences, both with and without companionship. Believe me, you won't shrivel up just because you're by yourself. Exercise. Go to school. Volunteer. Make friends. Get a pet. Essentially, cultivate inner resources and feelings of desperation will not be so acute.

And, BTW, you might actually meet someone -- and want to be with them for them, not just so that you don't eat dinner alone. Smile
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 02:26 pm
joeb, there's no doubt it's scary to think about being an adult on your own - especially if you've been in relationships without any breaks to learn who you are on your own.

Developing those inner resources Jespah talks about is important - they make us better on our own - and healthier in our relationships.

It's not easy - but I think it's really worth it.

Good luck to you with all of this.
0 Replies
 
CarbonSystem
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Sep, 2005 01:23 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
If your feelings are really pure and noble, you'll keep them to yourself.


It's hard to have pure and noble feelings when it comes to love. Think about it: people almost always equate love to how it makes them feel. The feeling they get. Love is all about yourself. Calling him a homewrecker doesn't seem right, he hasn't done it yet Razz
0 Replies
 
ohsosweet
 
  1  
Reply Fri 14 Oct, 2005 02:55 pm
RE: P.S. I wrote this leter for her but wonder if she shoul
Send the letter!

Yes, she may have been completely devestated, and yes she may reject you completely. But what if...what if she has been waiting for a letter like this, some kind of contact from you, just like this.

Better for you to step out on the limb and at least know that you tried. If it doesn't work out, it may just be the closure that she needed, or even the closure that you need. Either way, it would be a great regret of yours to withhold those kinds of feelings.

And my suggestion to you - be prepared for either one. If she rejects you, know that she is happy, that she moved on, and that now you have to do the same. And if she wants to be with you, then you truly are soul mates and are meant to be together. And if that happens....do not waste any time getting your divorce because, if she does give you another chance, don't screw it up this time!
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