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Needing some advice

 
 
Reply Fri 28 Mar, 2003 09:14 pm
Hi everyone,

I've currently going through a particularly tough time in my life. In fact, you could say it's the toughest time I've ever been through. I'm married and have been for 4 years, my wife and I have a lovely 3 and a half year old girl, she means the world to me.

Recently, about a week ago, my wife and I had a pretty big argument. During this argument, my wife brought up things I never knew or had been blind to see in our relationship. Although I now see the mistakes I have made (not supporting her enough, not being family orientated) I feel it's too late to do anyting about it. We have spent the last week arguing anf discussing issues everyday, but my wife still ends up with the same notion and that is to LEAVE the relationship. I am devastated because I have a very big fear I will lose her. In fact I may well lose and and I have trouble dealing with this reality.

What hurts the most is, I miss my daughter, her and my wife have gone to live with my mother in law and I haven't seen them in a couple of days. I want to see them but fear that I may ignite the tension again between me and my wife. I don't know what to do, i need some advice. How long should I stay away? Should I stay away forever?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 1,497 • Replies: 17
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Mar, 2003 09:21 pm
It seems really unfair that your wife went from 0 to 60 on this so abruptly -- nothing, and then boom she's leaving. I think it can only help if you tell her how awful you feel and how much you want to heal things, and then leave it up to her as to how she wants to go about doing that.

You can't undo specific mistakes, but you can certainly change your way of interacting with her (being supportive, being more family-oriented), especially when the stakes are so high.

Good luck.
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Mar, 2003 09:46 pm
jimee, You and your wife needs to seek professional help. Your community must have some government sponsored mental health programs if you can't afford to pay for professional help. You should do this as soon as possible, and not let your wife fester by herself and believing that your life together is no longer possible. Good luck. c.i.
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 01:30 am
Jimee
You and your wife need to set up a meeting and both of you need to agree to talk without arguing. Once you get together you need to talk through the things that are bothering both of you and find a way to respect eachothers feelings if this is going to work. If you agree that you've made mistakes, you need to change that part of yourself. This is not impossible if you feel that the marriage is worth saving. A marriage is a partnership and both partners need to learn to live with eachothers differences. Learning to communicate with eachother properly when one partner isn't happy with what the other is doing is the key to getting along. For instance: If your wife doesn't seem to listen when you're talking to her, instead of getting angry and raising your voice, you could just say something like "honey, it would mean a lot to me if you could show some interest when I'm talking with you." This shows your wife that you respect her even though what she's doing is bothering you. If both you and your wife could express your negative feelings towards eachother calmly and without disrespecting eachother, I think things could work out ok, but you both have to work equally hard at it and realize that it takes time before you can both get the swing of it.

I wish you the best.
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dagmaraka
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 01:43 am
My mother is a marriage counsellor and I can safely say that when it came to advices to me I always listened carefully, for she was 9.9 out of 10 times right. I agree that you should seek out a 'third party', most often it is important just to sit through a crisis and listen to each other and while she may not be able to talk to you right now for the overflow of emotions, she may be much more able to talk to someone else, who can skillfully direct your diallogue to what needs to be said and promised. i would not give up just yet, you share quite a few years and a family together. problems always arise, in every single family. let her know very kindly and gently just how much you care. if she won't listen, write and suggest you work on it together with the help of experts. she most likely cares a lot too. best best best wishes, and many positive vibrations your way.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 01:19 pm
jimeedoo--

I suggest that you give your wife at least a week or so to calm down. Does your mother-in-law live locally? Is she dispassionate enough that you could make arrangements through her to see your daughter at regular intervals?

No matter how angry you and your wife are, you probably agree that you do not want your daughter to be hurt.

A word here--don't make every visit with your daugher a fun-filled circus of expensive delights. Stick to mild adventures: going to a playground, feeding the ducks, taking a bus ride (todders feel that bus rides are Real Life)--that sort of think.

Also, consider a few trips to the local Dollar Store for presents for mommie--(and an occasional gift for grandmother, as well).

Think about quality time with your little girl--and possibly courting her mother--and while life won't be perfect, it should improve.
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 02:18 pm
That's good advice Noddy ;-)
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 02:54 pm
Gezzy--

Thanks. That little girl needs both parents, separately or together.
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Misti26
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 09:57 pm
I think you should allow some space and time between you before you get in touch with your wife. Allow her the time she needs to see things realistically without her vision clouded.

You say you had a big argument last week ... is this the first time or is there a history of huge arguments between you?

It certainly does seem that this all happened suddenly. If that is the case, then something must have developed to spur this action on. You don't just up and leave someone without good cause.

There's more to this than is written here, so please come back and enlighten us so that we may guide you accordingly.
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Mar, 2003 11:49 pm
Noddy
I couldn't agree more.
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jimeedoo
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2003 05:36 pm
Update
Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time out to respond to my post. Thought I'd give you all an update on what has happened over the last 48 hours. My wofe called me the night of my initial post and asked if it was alright to come over and pick up some of her things. When she arrived, didn't chat much. She only asked if it was OK for her and Madison (my daughter) to stay in our house and live just as friends. I couldn't say no, so I agreed.

I'm in such a confused stated. Here is my wife (or ex-wife soon) living with me but only as a friend. We had a pretty big chat the day after, but I still couldn't believe that it is basically over. It hurts so much, I miss the intimacy between us. She basically just wants to live in the house and stay friends. For how long I don't know. It may be a while, it may be a short period of time. Either way, it's hard not to think about stuff and it's equally hard to try and appear "as friends".

So confused......
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2003 06:12 pm
Jimee
I think if you give her some time and space, she might just come around. The good thing is that you have your daughter there with you and you should cherish your time with her. Thanks for keeping us informed and I do hope that things work out for your family.

Hang in there.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2003 06:17 pm
Yes, thanks for the update, jimee. That's great that you are at least all in the same house.

I'm still trying to get a feel for the situation -- it seems obvious that professional counseling needs to happen, but I am trying to figure what you can do towards that goal. A grace period is probably called for before you push for anything, but again this seems rather unfair of your wife to just declare such a drastic change with no input from you. Have you talked to her about wanting to do whatever is necessary to heal things between the two of you? If so, what was her reaction?

Good luck, and be good to yourself and your daughter, who must be having a hard time with this.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Mar, 2003 06:26 pm
jimeedoo--

Remember when you thought being All Grown Up meant that you wouldn't have any problems.

Do you consider yourself a Take Charge kind of guy? Is this one of the things that your wife objects to?

Of course I have no definite information, but I'd guess that she's back under a roof with you because her mother kept verbalizing opinions.

Give her room--and in light of the "just friends" give her a private bedroom with a door. Respect that privacy.

If she really wanted to leave you, she'd be gone--but if she really wanted to stay she wouldn't be saying "just friends". She doesn't know what she wants.

Meanwhile, try to be charming and irresistable without crowding. Give Madison all the attention that you can. She must be a bit jangled by all of this moving.

If you find your temper growing short, leave the house temporarily rather than starting another battle.

If, after a trial period, you find you can't handle the "just friends", say so kindly and discuss making other arrangements.

Good luck.
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jimeedoo
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Mar, 2003 06:49 pm
Trial Period
Hi everyone,

Following on from my update, just wanted to find out if anyone in this forum has gone through something similar. I know I may be clutching at straws with this question, but how long should the "trial period" last. Part of me wants to know so I can get set in my mind to move on, part of me is just scared that this "arrangement" we have can go on forever.

It really hurts to think that this arrangement will go on for months. I miss her so much, I miss the intimacy we used to have. I feel she is just staying in the house to "let me down gently" so to speak.
0 Replies
 
fbaezer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Mar, 2003 07:09 pm
Been there, been done that. Found out it sux. Left house. Felt better, but unable to actually leave her. Was able to relive some romantic moments when outside. Thought also on our daughter. Went back. We are both trying. No spark. It sux.
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Delicate Sound Of Thunder
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Nov, 2005 08:40 pm
yep def.
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el pohl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Nov, 2005 11:49 am
Wow... from 2003 to 2005...
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