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Question for those having affairs with Married Person

 
 
Chai
 
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 07:56 am
Actually, I should say, affairs with Married Man, since it seems it's always the single ladies who are posting.
So, I shall use feminine pronouns for simplicity....

From my readings of these threads, I seldom if ever see someone address or even seemingly think of the issue of the wife who is being cheated on.

Legitimate questions:
Do you ever think of this person who is the one married to the man you are having sex with?
Do you ever consider or visualize this person as a human being?
Do you even care, or are you going on the supposition that she must be a completely dreadful person, or her husband would not be cheating on her?
Do you realize the havoc you are creating for someone else?

I am not denying that there are troubled marriages out there, and that at times it may be a marriage in name only. However, consider the following.....

Speaking from experience, being a married woman is a position that holds respect, honor and dignity.
Being a wife is NOT being a girlfriend, or someone who is "having a relationship" with a man. It is not "hanging out" with this guy.

She is his WIFE, a person who has made vows to him, (and he to her) to live together as one, create a family from that bond, and cherish each other above all others. She is his mate.

The man you are having sex with is, by the nature of your affair, a liar.
He is lying by commission or ommision to his wife. Why would you think he is not lying to you?

This man you are having sex with has broken his vows. How can he be a man of honor?

This is a serious inquiry - what exactly is your rationalization for committing adultery?
 
trfirst
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 09:52 am
I don't believe it is a rational decision to get involved with a married man. I think it is something one gets caught up in and I realize that most threads are about single women with married men here but I know personally a lot of married women with single men. The whole affair thing whether it be men or women comes from so many different reasons and circumstances. To pin point why they happen is impossible because each individual has their own reasons, is it right no not at all, not morally, not mentally healthy either. But as a single person for 7 years I have seen so many affairs for so many different reasons, and no I don't agree with any of them. I got out of my marriage because I knew it was not going to work out, I could have just stayed and been financially secure, had my kids in a family environment and stable. But in my mind to stay with a man I did not love and could see my self looking for what I wanted and needed in my life was unfair to him even though the divorce was hard on him it would have been harder to have me cheating on him, so I got out. I tell many of my friends if they are that unhappy to need to cheat and lie to their spouse than they should get counseling or leave the marriage.

It is not always that easy for people to just leave they feel its better to stay for the kids sake and get what they need on the side to fulfill the emptiness they have inside. Each person in this world does things for their own reasons and I try not to judge others for their choices because you never know what position you will be in one day, we all say never I would never do that and then BOOM, you are looking at yourself in the mirror saying how did all this happen.

As for thinking about the wife and what she is going through, all I can tell you is from my experience and if you have read my thread you will see it has not been easy. But yes I have thought so much about the wife and have felt so much sympathy for her. I on the other hand have told him if he needed to go back than do that and I would back away. I got involved with him while he was still married but he was not living with her and had filed for divorce. He recently started having doubts so I told him I would leave him alone to work through his feelings, but to please not string her or me along. I told him she has been through enough hurt for him to lead her on if he truly wants the divorce than be honest with her so she can move on. I believe any person whether they are involved in an affair does feel pain and hurt for the other person, but sometimes the married person your involved with can tell you the things you want to hear to make it easier to understand and put her out of your mind. And yes they do at times make her or him out to be this horrible person or why would they be looking around. It is a very confusing situation, but I will tell you this I think most women and men believe that their spouse was chased after the single person and told them all they wanted to hear to get them to cheat, it is usually blamed on the single person when I have seen it be just the opposite, I have had so many married men hit on me it makes me sick. I am an attractive women (not to be arrogant) and most women think its me going after their man, well they need to look harder at their spouse and their marriage because I can tell you 90% of the time its the married person going after the single person. Should the single person resist this absolutely, but when you are single for so long and know how hard it is to find someone and than have this person coming up saying all the right things and saying I am so unhappy in my marriage my wife doesn't appreciate all I do for her, she never wants sex, she ignores me. You start to feel sorry for them and one thing leads to another. I don't have all the answers and I am for sure not saying affairs are good because they only end up hurting every person involved but I think this subject needs to be looked at as an individual situation because each marriage and each affair happens for different reasons.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 12:40 pm
trfirst wrote:
Each person in this world does things for their own reasons and I try not to judge others for their choices because you never know what position you will be in one day, we all say never I would never do that and then BOOM, you are looking at yourself in the mirror saying how did all this happen.

There's nothing wrong with judging someone, when what they are doing is so blatantly wrong. That is how this society determines what is acceptable and unacceptable. Saying you're not judging someone is a copout. People who are prone to doing things that are wrong just love it when someone announces that people shouldn't judge others. It gives them carte blanche to do any damn thing they please, secure in the knowledge that we are all so PC we wouldn't dream of calling them to task. BTW - I also HATE it when one person says of another something to the effect of, "They just made poor decesions" Oh Bull Dookey - they weren't making any decesion at all, they weren't even thinking. It takes thought to make a decesion, in this case, to take the first step of even letting a married person try to draw you into their life in that way. The comment of looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering how all this happened? Pffffft. Please.

I will tell you this I think most women and men believe that their spouse was chased after the single person and told them all they wanted to hear to get them to cheat, it is usually blamed on the single person when I have seen it be just the opposite, I have had so many married men hit on me it makes me sick. most women think its me going after their man, well they need to look harder at their spouse and their marriage because I can tell you 90% of the time its the married person going after the single person. Should the single person resist this absolutely, but when you are single for so long and know how hard it is to find someone and than have this person coming up saying all the right things and saying I am so unhappy in my marriage my wife doesn't appreciate all I do for her, she never wants sex, she ignores me. You start to feel sorry for them and one thing leads to another.


Oh no doubt it is usually the married person who makes the moves. There're getting bored (inappropriately) with what they have at home, and instead of remembering why they married, they think they can have a little flingy dingy on the side. I would guess the vast majority of married people (and I'm mainly speaking of men) have absolutely no intention of an affair going any further than the bedroom. However, they are smart enough to know that woman in general have more nuturing nature, and crying about how awful there life is a good way to have some woman who isn't keeping her wits about her to wander over and say "there, there"
You said it yourself - you feel sorry for them.
Don't feel sorry for them, ask them straight forward "So, what are you doing to make your marriage better" or better yet "what are you doing to make her feel/act that way" Put it back on the married person, it's their marital problem (if there even is one) The single person has absolutely no reason to encourage a married person of the opposite sex to tell their tales of woe.
This society also has a victim complex - so many want to be a victim of something, because then it's not their fault.
You say "If you've been single for "so long and know how hard it is to find someone...." Here's a clue, you have not found someone, this person is not available to you.
I'm not speaking from some ivory tower, yes, we have all made mistakes. The idea is to learn from them, make amends to those you hurt,
and not do it again.
You make amends to the spouse of the person you are commiting adultary with by breaking it off.
You say it is confusing - wrong, it is very simple. No one forced the single person into the married person's bed.
It may be hard to resist this temtation at some point it your life, but it is not confusing or complicated.
It boils down to - Do the Right Thing.
trfirst
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 01:07 pm
You have a right to your own opinion, keep in mind one day you just might find your self doing something you never thought could happen. Maybe it won't be an affair but someday you will find something that will tempt you and you will fall into it, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes in life. Your correct we should learn from our mistakes, I know I have and after going through what I have I will not make the same mistake but it took the mistakes I have made to a hopefully better life ahead. What you wrote seems to be the way life should be and we should all be that perfect but unfortunatly life is not that way, when I say we should not judge others I am sorry you disagree with that because I truly feel people who judge others because they don't live up to the same standards will find themselves alone one day needing support from others because of the mistakes they have made and are saying I wish I hadn't been so judgmental. I can see our opinions are very different and I understand yours I really do, I can only hope life will be so perfect for you as you believe it should be. Good luck to you. I am sure you have heard the saying don't judge others until you have walked in their shoes.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 01:19 pm
trfirst wrote:
You have a right to your own opinion, keep in mind one day you just might find your self doing something you never thought could happen. Maybe it won't be an affair but someday you will find something that will tempt you and you will fall into it, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes in life. Your correct we should learn from our mistakes, I know I have and after going through what I have I will not make the same mistake but it took the mistakes I have made to a hopefully better life ahead. What you wrote seems to be the way life should be and we should all be that perfect but unfortunatly life is not that way, when I say we should not judge others I am sorry you disagree with that because I truly feel people who judge others because they don't live up to the same standards will find themselves alone one day needing support from others because of the mistakes they have made and are saying I wish I hadn't been so judgmental. I can see our opinions are very different and I understand yours I really do, I can only hope life will be so perfect for you as you believe it should be. Good luck to you. I am sure you have heard the saying don't judge others until you have walked in their shoes.




Feel better?
0 Replies
 
trfirst
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 01:40 pm
Yes, Thanks.
0 Replies
 
flushd
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 03:43 pm
Hey, I've always wondered these same things.

I'm single, never been married. I have had way too many married men hit on me. I don't think it has to do with how sexy or great I am: it's just that I am young and single. No kids, I can do what I want when I want.

These guys make my stomach churn. I'll be standing in the checkout at the grocery store, a guy will be buying diapers and family food, and it begins.

I've always wondered: don't these single chicks who sleep with married men ever consider that when they want to get married, their hubbies might do the same thing?!

I'm single and I 'd just like to find a nice guy who isn't going to turn from me when I get older and have kids. Who would want to be with a guy that is chasing the outside instead of the inside?

I am starting to think that turning to married men is a power thing. That, and a feeling like not being able to get a man who really cares about a woman just as she is. I don't know.

There is simply no excuse for cheating, no matter how you doll it up.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 05:00 pm
If the cheater is such a louse, as described by Chai Tea, their partner should be thrilled someone else wants them.

Sorry, but I think that Chai Tea is simply too harsh on the person not in the marriage. The people in the marriage have the responsibility to keep the marriage viable - not anyone outside of it.

Over the past 30+ of actually paying attention to what people in marriages do - the problem always seems to come from inside the marriage, not outside.

I don't think there's much of an upside to involvement with a married person, but it's their gig.
0 Replies
 
flushd
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 05:14 pm
That makes sense ehBeth.

Still, I'd be pretty pissed if my guy cheated on me. It'd be his choice: not mine, no matter how shitty a wife I were. It's just a bad deal.
0 Replies
 
LoveMyFamily
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 12:46 am
trfirst.. you asked not to judge anyone. But in this situation, I would judge only one person.. the one who is cheating. Yes..it is not right to get involved with a married person. In fact, someone may just pay it back to you when you get married one day. But i will not be judging the woman, my husband cheated me with, if ever he cheated.

The husband is the one in the relationship and not the woman. She may even have done her bit to woo him into that "illegitimate" relationship.. but then she is not the one to blame. It is the husband who broke the vows. It is the husband who lied and denied the honesty to his wife. Why should the "other" woman care about the wife? Are they related? No. It is the husband's duty and responsibility to care about his wife. If he can't do it well, then nobody other than him is to be blamed.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't mean to hint, it is always the husband who cheats. I just took the tone of the thread. I hold the same opinion for woman cheaters as well.
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 01:10 am
When a married man is having an affair, it's usually the mistress who gets gets the most flack. I've always wondered why that is. True, both are adulterers, but it is the husband who made vows in the marriage. The "other woman" isn't the one who made a promise to be faithful. Perhaps it's because the betrayed wife needs someone to blame, and it's easier to accept the idea of a seductress forcing herself upon her husband than it is to admit that the man she loves is a dawg.
Mind you, both are in the wrong, but when a man is faithful it doesn't matter if a dozen buck nekid women threw themselves at him, he won't take the bait.
The fact is, male or female, if someone wants to stray from their marriage, there will always be opportunities to do so.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 07:44 am
ehBeth wrote:
If the cheater is such a louse, as described by Chai Tea, their partner should be thrilled someone else wants them.

Sorry, but I think that Chai Tea is simply too harsh on the person not in the marriage. The people in the marriage have the responsibility to keep the marriage viable - not anyone outside of it.

Over the past 30+ of actually paying attention to what people in marriages do - the problem always seems to come from inside the marriage, not outside.

I don't think there's much of an upside to involvement with a married person, but it's their gig.


Quite a few good points have been made, thank you.

ehBeth - I'm with you, if a man cheated on me with another woman, she would soon find all his belongings delivered to her door via UPS, with the note: "Fine, you keep him" There would be absolutely no going back.

When I was quite a bit younger, I made up my mind about that....I was living with a man I was quite in love with...So in love I turned a blind eye to his constant philandering....at one point I even ventured to the dark side and had a fling with a friend of his, while we were living together.
That's why I found the first respondant to my thread so amusing......That "wait until you've been there" thing, as if I was brought up in a vacuum Rolling Eyes
The point is, I did learn from those early mistakes, when that relationship did end, I realized it was all for the good, and would try not to repeat so many of the mistakes we made.
BTW - 25 years later, this man is married about 15 years and has 4 children. Each child (for a fact) represents an affair he has had, and his wifes solution for ending it. He is still married, and I think his wife is getting past the childbearing years, I wonder what will happen next.

I myself, since then, have been married, divorced and remarried since then. My first divorce was NOT due to infidelity, and my now and forever husband is one of those types who feels even more strongly about fidelity than I do.

I apologize, I did not mean to give the impression that I believed the single person is soley to blame for an affair. I also realize that some married men cheat, some married woman cheat, and some single people "go after" married people, while others become involved with someone knowing the other is married, and finally, there are those who get involved with someone not initially knowing they were married (or a least they say) :wink:
It takes at least 2 to tango, and in these situations, a third.

However, I have noticed from these threads there seems to be a theme of a single women posting about the problems of being in love with a married man - that's why I'm addressing it this way.

BTW - Hasn't anyone wondered why we seldom if ever get posts from men saying their wife is cheating, or that a man is in love with a married woman, and is just pining away.

OK - I'm going to make some really BROAD generalities here - so please, don't jump all over a specific statement - These a observations made over the years, being an observant student of human nature....and based on the theory that man tends to be poligamous, woman tend to be monogomous. The key word here is TEND.

1. Married men have affairs to get sex (whether it's missing from their marriage or not).

2. Married women have affairs to get love (because right or wrong, they feel it is missing from their marriage).

3. Single women TEND to hookup with a married man in the hopes/anticipation they will become a monogamous couple (the wife somehow has to go)

4. Married women who have affairs TEND to wish to leave their marriage and hookup with someone else for another monogomous relationship which will give her the love she feels she is lacking now.

5. Married men who have affairs, would if they could get away from it, keep the wife, keep the mistress. They would keep the stable or somewhat stable homelife, as well has get the thrill of being attractive to more than one woman.

Men are wired to spread their seed around.
Women are wired to keep their mate close by.

I am not laying the blame of an affair soley on the single woman. However, I'm not leaving them blameless either.

Just because someone is pitching balls, doesn't mean you have to catch them.

I totally do not buy the "well, we were working (or whatever) together and it just happened. Come on, no one here was born yesterday.
As Deputy Barney Fife says "NIP it! NIP it in the BUD!

Am I being a hard-ass? Yes, definitely. I can honestly say that in all the years of hearing stories of how someone got involved in an affair, that there was not a time, WAY in the beginning, that one party, meaning the one who is having advances made to them (either the married or single person) could not have said either - You are married and I am not interested in you BECAUSE of that - or - I am married and I am not interested in you BECAUSE of that. Leave out the part about being flattered (even if you are), because that will just encourage them.

One other thing - if a married man finds his wife is having an affair, no one finds it hard to imagine him finding the other man and punching him in the face.......if a married woman finds her husband is having an affair, don't think she can't give someone a black eye either.

Sometimes I've gotten the impression from single woman having affairs that the married woman would either have a rational coversation with her, or some tearful, drawn out, gut spilling thing.
Remember, this is the woman who has raised his kids, taken care of him when he's sick and not all that attractive, and on and on......She will take you out honey.
dora17
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Aug, 2005 10:25 pm
Oh, Chai, I just had to say thank you for the Barney quote! Very Happy Good ol' Barney, just thinking of him saying that makes me smile... How about when he's trying to show Andy his judo moves? I love that because it's EXACTLY what my boyfriend and his dad do when they're showing someone their jujitsu stuff... hee hee hee...sigh...

Okay, back on topic now, really...

I really appreciated you starting this thread, I feel just the same when I read all those topics by people having affairs with married people. When my parents split up, there was another woman involved and I believe that contributed to why my father left without trying to tell my mom that things were going wrong. I don't think my father was even having an actual affair, it was just that even having the possibility of another relationship in the offing made it seem less worthwhile to work things out with my mother.

My family is still (nearly five years later) dealing with the pain of this; and of course, things will never be the same. So I really can't abide the people (women specifically, since it seems they are the ones who always post) who contribute to the demise of a marriage. They tell themselves, and anyone who will listen, that the marriage is doomed anyway, but I know from experience that an affair can mean the difference between a man's willingness to try to save an unhealthy marriage and his decision to simply walk away.
0 Replies
 
Tijeras
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Aug, 2005 03:01 pm
The other side of the coin
Hello, I just want to share that I have been there. I was an attractive single woman when I met him. He had been married for 20 years. We not only felt sexually attracted. We did fall in love. We have been married now for 7 years and we are happy. We did feel guilty and bad at that time, we did not enjoy hurting anyone (he only had one grown-up son), but we would be miserable now (and making others' lives miserable) if we would not have done what we did.
His then-wife remarried too.
I am happy we are part of the small percentage (not that small actually) of single woman/married man that worked out a relationship.

This is the other side of the coin that should be considered as well, to be fair. Tij
0 Replies
 
trfirst
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 08:42 am
My father walked out on us and started living with another women right away. Yes I was upset at the time but in time and growing older, living many life disappointments myself I realized my mother and father were miserable for years, they faught all the time. My father should have walked out first before meeting someone but truth is us kids and my mother were more comfortable in the house with him gone than living there. I am not trying to make my father out to be a horrible person because he is not. He did not leave us kids he left my mother and a relationship that was over for years, he stayed as long as he did just for us kids. I believe that did us more harm than good staying and us listening to the arguing all the time. That is what I was trying to say in my previous post, I don't judge others because I don't know the whole story regarding each sitiuation, they are all different. My father is with the same women now for 17 years, my mother has now passed away due to diabetes and all of us kids have a good relationship with my father and his now wife. Divorce hurts no matter how bad the situation or circumctances, its easy to say it would have been easier if they would have left first and not be with another women but honestly no matter the reason it hurts. The way I look at it if we as women or men would look at ourselves and realize we deserve to have someone that is honest, loyal and loving and if its not the person we are with if they want to find someone else we are better off without them, if they are searching the love is not there and don't we all want that kind of love.
0 Replies
 
MorningDew
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 09:50 am
separation or not
I agree with tr. My father and mother have been together a lifetime (45 years!). When I was 4, my father left home. He fell in love with another woman and asked for the divorce. My mother did not accept it. After 2 years he came back, and my last sibling was born 1 year later.
Big Reconciliation? Great family happiness? Not at all. They kept arguing, being unhappy with each other, but thinking they did the correct thing by staying together "for the sake of their kids".
When I became an adult, I asked my mom why wouldn't she divorce my dad if she was so miserable (she complaint all the time). She said they stayed together for our sake. I told her: "do not use us as a pretext, please." I am convinced today that I would have preferred them to split, get new partners and be REALLY happy. Our lives would have been happy too.

Now both are terminal ill and I just found my mom's diary. It has been so painful to me to find out how unhappy and depressed she has been the last 30 years. Not kidding, 30 years. In addition to my guilt feelings (how didn't I notice it? why didn't I do something about it? why didn't I encourage her more to divorce my father, so maybe they would have had a second chance in this life?).

I do not support cheaters. But lieing to yourself is self-cheating.
I divorced my first husband after 8 years of unhappy marriage. No third person involved at all. Result: we work as a team for our son, and he is quite balanced. We all 3 get along very well today and I am grateful I did leave this marriage.

I have been together with a man whom I love much for 5 years. But life was difficult with him. An indifferent computer geek who took me for granted pretty soon. It has been hard to finally cut it off. Loneliness is a bad adviser. It is also nice not to have fights, verbal abuse and tensions at home anymore, especially for my son who witnessed our fights. Atmosphere at home is now peaceful again, the best --part of my love-- I can give to my kids.

Endline: be with the one you love, not with who you should/have to be because of XYZ. Your kids will appreciate a parent who's is happy with him/herself more than a parent who sacrifice him/herself.
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 12:50 pm
Interesting - It seems so many want to pick out the one instance they are aware of where adultery led to greenter pastures.

Now let's grow up, get real and discuss the other 99.9%

It's really disappointing to learn how completely helpless people are about handling a temptation.

In addition, it's amusing that the posters who advocate being non judgemental appear to be those that seem to be struggling with the issue.

Coincedence?

Well, I just couldn't help it, I mean, he just kept making passes at me. What else was I supposed to do?

C'mon, you do you think your kidding?
kickycan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 12:53 pm
I agree completely with Chai Tea. I would have put it a little more bluntly though, like, for instance...

If you are going out with a someone else's spouse, you are a whore.

I think that about sums it up.
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 12:55 pm
kickycan wrote:
I agree completely with Chai Tea. I would have put it a little more bluntly though, like, for instance...

If you are going out with a someone else's spouse, you are a whore.

I think that about sums it up.


Shocked

I love it when you talk dirty.
0 Replies
 
trfirst
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Aug, 2005 01:13 pm
Your intitled to your opinion but I can tell you I am no whore and I did not get involved with this man while he was at home with his wife, he left her and I got involved with him 12 months after he was moved out. His divorce is not final because of his business and legality issues. Now he has recently told me he thought about going back and I have told him he needs to deal with this issue without me.

So see I am not saying I am not judgemental because I am guilty I am saying it because that is the kind of person I have always been even in high school. There was a girl who got pregnant in school and I became friends with her when everyone else had nothing to do with her. It is easy to judge when you think you are so perfect yourself and make no mistakes in life. Sorry but no one is perfect and you will find yourself being judged yourself if your not already.
 

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