If the cheater is such a louse, as described by Chai Tea, their partner should be thrilled someone else wants them.
Sorry, but I think that Chai Tea is simply too harsh on the person not in the marriage. The people in the marriage have the responsibility to keep the marriage viable - not anyone outside of it.
Over the past 30+ of actually paying attention to what people in marriages do - the problem always seems to come from inside the marriage, not outside.
I don't think there's much of an upside to involvement with a married person, but it's their gig.
Quite a few good points have been made, thank you.
ehBeth - I'm with you, if a man cheated on me with another woman, she would soon find all his belongings delivered to her door via UPS, with the note: "Fine, you keep him" There would be absolutely no going back.
When I was quite a bit younger, I made up my mind about that....I was living with a man I was quite in love with...So in love I turned a blind eye to his constant philandering....at one point I even ventured to the dark side and had a fling with a friend of his, while we were living together.
That's why I found the first respondant to my thread so amusing......That "wait until you've been there" thing, as if I was brought up in a vacuum
The point is, I did learn from those early mistakes, when that relationship did end, I realized it was all for the good, and would try not to repeat so many of the mistakes we made.
BTW - 25 years later, this man is married about 15 years and has 4 children. Each child (for a fact) represents an affair he has had, and his wifes solution for ending it. He is still married, and I think his wife is getting past the childbearing years, I wonder what will happen next.
I myself, since then, have been married, divorced and remarried since then. My first divorce was NOT due to infidelity, and my now and forever husband is one of those types who feels even more strongly about fidelity than I do.
I apologize, I did not mean to give the impression that I believed the single person is soley to blame for an affair. I also realize that some married men cheat, some married woman cheat, and some single people "go after" married people, while others become involved with someone knowing the other is married, and finally, there are those who get involved with someone not initially knowing they were married (or a least they say) :wink:
It takes at least 2 to tango, and in these situations, a third.
However, I have noticed from these threads there seems to be a theme of a single women posting about the problems of being in love with a married man - that's why I'm addressing it this way.
BTW - Hasn't anyone wondered why we seldom if ever get posts from men saying their wife is cheating, or that a man is in love with a married woman, and is just pining away.
OK - I'm going to make some really BROAD generalities here - so please, don't jump all over a specific statement - These a observations made over the years, being an observant student of human nature....and based on the theory that man tends to be poligamous, woman tend to be monogomous. The key word here is TEND.
1. Married men have affairs to get sex (whether it's missing from their marriage or not).
2. Married women have affairs to get love (because right or wrong, they feel it is missing from their marriage).
3. Single women TEND to hookup with a married man in the hopes/anticipation they will become a monogamous couple (the wife somehow has to go)
4. Married women who have affairs TEND to wish to leave their marriage and hookup with someone else for another monogomous relationship which will give her the love she feels she is lacking now.
5. Married men who have affairs, would if they could get away from it, keep the wife, keep the mistress. They would keep the stable or somewhat stable homelife, as well has get the thrill of being attractive to more than one woman.
Men are wired to spread their seed around.
Women are wired to keep their mate close by.
I am not laying the blame of an affair soley on the single woman. However, I'm not leaving them blameless either.
Just because someone is pitching balls, doesn't mean you have to catch them.
I totally do not buy the "well, we were working (or whatever) together and it just happened. Come on, no one here was born yesterday.
As Deputy Barney Fife says "NIP it! NIP it in the BUD!
Am I being a hard-ass? Yes, definitely. I can honestly say that in all the years of hearing stories of how someone got involved in an affair, that there was not a time, WAY in the beginning, that one party, meaning the one who is having advances made to them (either the married or single person) could not have said either - You are married and I am not interested in you BECAUSE of that - or - I am married and I am not interested in you BECAUSE of that. Leave out the part about being flattered (even if you are), because that will just encourage them.
One other thing - if a married man finds his wife is having an affair, no one finds it hard to imagine him finding the other man and punching him in the face.......if a married woman finds her husband is having an affair, don't think she can't give someone a black eye either.
Sometimes I've gotten the impression from single woman having affairs that the married woman would either have a rational coversation with her, or some tearful, drawn out, gut spilling thing.
Remember, this is the woman who has raised his kids, taken care of him when he's sick and not all that attractive, and on and on......She will take you out honey.