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Married and I kissed another man...should I tell him?

 
 
kablee
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 10:17 am
Thanks for all the replys. My head has been spinning about this. I agree that I shouldn't tell him. The only reason I was thinking about it was because 1) My husband is my best friend and I tell him everything. 2) because I felt so guilty. Guilty because I put myself into that situation knowing what could have happened. I know why I put myself there, because I really couldn't believe that someone was actually attracted to me and I was so curious to see if it was true. It was definately an ego boost. I have been with my husband for 20 years, and the thought that someone was actually attracted to me seemed so unbelievable. I wanted to see if it was actually true. Did I think he was going to kiss me? NO WAY. I thought he was going to say something about us and I was going to tell him "no thanks" and I would walk away feeling like " oh yea, I still got it". Of course, that blew up in my face and I feel guilty about it.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 11:10 am
kablee
From where I sit, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you love your husband very much and so you got a tiny bit carried away. The important thing is you stopped it within a few seconds of a kiss, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Oh, and welcome to A2K :-D
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kittygirl
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 04:14 pm
Hi Kablee, so glad you understand whats happened here! It takes a strong woman to realise that all you wanted was an ego boost and now that you have it you hopefully wont put yourself in that situation again. Its hard after being in a marriage for that long. The romance fades and you are left wondering if you are still "special". Of course you are!

Also, I was so happy to hear you say that your husband is your best friend! So sweet hun! Good luck with it all. Stop beating yourself up about it, please! x
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Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 May, 2005 11:57 am
If you feel guilty, that's a GOOD thing, it's GOOD for your relationship with your husband.

If you don't feel guilty, then you have problems.

There are probably tons of people who find you attractive that you don't know about. Don't sweat it if you got a good thing going!
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kablee
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 May, 2005 12:27 pm
Well, I actually feel better today. The guilt is leaving and of course my husband has been getting all the benifits of it. :wink: Now I'm starting to get a little nervous about tennis this weekend. I really want to act like nothing happened but that might be tough. What really stinks is that I considered this guy a pretty good friend. We were always laughing and joking around. It's kind of depressing to feel like that's over but how can it not be.
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fungi
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2005 12:10 pm
Hello kablee, I just registered, but was following this thread before. IMO when you see tennis guy this weekend I don't think you can act like nothing happened, I think you have to have a short frank conversation and then forget about it. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, but tennis guy will still be a bit annoyed I think. I use the word 'bit' to mean slightly, or a little, with no sarcasm implied. I don't think he's going to hunt you down with an axe.
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Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2005 12:16 pm
Yeah, I agree with fungi, I think you should confront the issue, say there'll be no hanky panky with tennis-guy and then go back to being the person you were before this kiss. If tennis-guy doesn't understand, too bad for him, remove yourself from his company as far as possible. No need to bring this up to your hubbie, he could laugh it off if you told him how surprised you were and how it shocked you as you brushed this guys attentions off, but it will hurt him and give him pause to wonder. That's not what you want especially since this will never happen again.
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fungi
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2005 12:30 pm
From what kablee said in the first post and in particular on 29 April, she was not totally passive leading up to the kissing incident. Therefore I think a brief light-hearted apology is in order ([edit] to tennis-guy).
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escvelocity
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2005 01:36 pm
I think that you shouldn't tell your husband about the kiss, but you do need to address the issues that led up to the event. Hopefully this will drop and you don't find yourself in this situation again. The flirting behavior can become addictive while you are in relationships, especially after you have been in a relationship for a while. Endorphines are released while the flirting is going on, hence the butterflies in stomach, and feelings of euphoria. Lots of men and women get caught in that trap. Sometimes it leads to more dangerous activity like officially cheating w/ intercourse ,and then when they are finally caught, the only explaination they have is it just happened. i'm just saying becareful, get yourself in check. i beleive you honestly love your husband, but infidelity happens to people weather they love each other or not. Not saying everyone cheats....ofcourse
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td8181
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 May, 2005 05:57 pm
why can't she just stop going to that tennis thing?
i don't think kissing another guy beside your husband is right.......... how u feel if your husban french kiss another women?
well, i would stay away from that tennis guy, even if it mean, resign from the tennis thing
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KYN2000
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2005 03:28 pm
kablee

I will tell you this!

You have found a home here: in cyberland!

At A2K!

A home where no matter what you do regarding this situation: you can come back to..... and always be welcomed with opened arms.

Should you decide to have an all out adulterous affair with the gentleman in question: go for it, and, come back here!

Tell us about it!

We will always support you.....100%!

Never be concerned for a moment that you have done something wrong!

Nothing is wrong here.....at A2K!

We will always have an explanation for you that will forever expell all of your guilt!

Always know that there are friends (here at A2K) who will support your every decision.....whatever they are!
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parados
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2005 04:11 pm
kablee wrote:
Thanks for all the replys. My head has been spinning about this. I agree that I shouldn't tell him. The only reason I was thinking about it was because 1) My husband is my best friend and I tell him everything. 2) because I felt so guilty. Guilty because I put myself into that situation knowing what could have happened. I know why I put myself there, because I really couldn't believe that someone was actually attracted to me and I was so curious to see if it was true. It was definately an ego boost. I have been with my husband for 20 years, and the thought that someone was actually attracted to me seemed so unbelievable. I wanted to see if it was actually true. Did I think he was going to kiss me? NO WAY. I thought he was going to say something about us and I was going to tell him "no thanks" and I would walk away feeling like " oh yea, I still got it". Of course, that blew up in my face and I feel guilty about it.


I'm going to disagree with the rest of the advice here. If 1 and 2 are really true then why can't you tell him? If you really are best friends then you probably have had 'what if' conversations about just this sort of thing. Not that either of you have any intention of straying but everyone feels the need to say now and again. "oh yea, I still got it."

You were drinking, you didn't intend to go where it did, not that it went anywhere too far. It won't happen again. How would your husband react if you told him just what you said above? You know your husband better than anyone here. Would his response be to fly into a jealous rage or to say, "of course you still have it. I guess I don't tell you or show you that enough." In the first case, I say no. In the second, yes, it could lead to a deeper relationship than you think you have now.

You do need to have a conversation with this other gentleman and tell him, "Thanks, I appreciate you find me attractive but I'm not interested."
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Aurora Dark
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 May, 2005 09:25 pm
I have a feeling that I am definitely in the minority here...

I would tell him. Because just as everyone else is saying, if you did the RIGHT thing, you shouldn't feel guilty. SO if you shouldn't, then A) you should be able to tell him, and B) if he's the type to hit the roof over a kiss, he's a wee bit paranoid for his own good, and it wouldn't be *your* fault.

I believe in complete honesty, 100%. Every time I've tried to cover a lie, it always resurfaced and was *hell* to deal with later. Why? Because he thought, "why did you hide this?!" Hiding it makes it seem far worse than it is. Always a bad thing, very very bad...

If you come clean with him and reassure him that you have no feelings for this other man, and that you wanted to let him know, he should be ok with it...
If he's not, again, that's *his* problem to get over :/

He should respect the honesty and the soul-bearing you'd be going through... and hell, he may tell you to stop seeing the other man, or to distance yourself from him... wouldn't you want to anyway? Imo, I wouldn't want to be near someone that would assume he had the *RIGHT* to randomly kiss me in the first place.
But then... I think it's very wrong (and immature) to flirt with others, when married... I see that as a minor form of betrayal...
so maybe the guilt is from what you did.. You lead him on, perhaps? gave him false hopes that you weren't married, when he decided to kiss you?

Imo, I think this should be discussed, because something needs to change here.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 May, 2005 04:49 pm
Aurora writes:

Quote:
But then... I think it's very wrong (and immature) to flirt with others, when married... I see that as a minor form of betrayal...
so maybe the guilt is from what you did.. You lead him on, perhaps? gave him false hopes that you weren't married, when he decided to kiss you?


Not all flirting is an invitation to the bedroom. I do my grocery shopping early in the morning before the aisles are crowded and other shoppers make it difficult for me to manipulate my cart and my crutch.

This week I met another "otherly abled" shopper using one of the automated carts. He was in his thirties and I'd guess that the cast on his leg was mending an athletic injury. I'm in my sixties.

We hopscotched from the Deli through the Bakery and Produce, up and down the aisles , along the meat counter and on through Dairy, calling endearments and passionate declarations to each other.

Our farewell came as we loaded our groceries in side-by-side handicapped spots.

We had a wonderful time--with no harm done to either significant other.

This is evil?
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Aurora Dark
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 May, 2005 11:07 am
I tend to dislike most flirting because it gives false impressions of having romantic interest...

granted, there are some exceptions, but more often than not the other gets the wrong idea... >_>
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Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 May, 2005 12:25 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
Not all flirting is an invitation to the bedroom. I do my grocery shopping early in the morning before the aisles are crowded and other shoppers make it difficult for me to manipulate my cart and my crutch.

This week I met another "otherly abled" shopper using one of the automated carts. He was in his thirties and I'd guess that the cast on his leg was mending an athletic injury. I'm in my sixties.

We hopscotched from the Deli through the Bakery and Produce, up and down the aisles , along the meat counter and on through Dairy, calling endearments and passionate declarations to each other.

Our farewell came as we loaded our groceries in side-by-side handicapped spots.

We had a wonderful time--with no harm done to either significant other.

This is evil?


Now that put a smile on my face - what a nice (innocent) connection between two people. Not everything these days should be held up to scrutiny under a magnifying glass ... why this, why that ... sometime we should just remember to live a little, enjoy a little, have fun a little. I am of the opinion that we each know how far we SHOULD go or behave in any situation and if we do not do so or choose not to do so, then be prepared to live with the consequences or hurt feelings, should there be any. It's fine for all of us to throw our 2 cents in and give an opinion but we don't walk in each others shoes and what is acceptable to one person (or a couple) may be absolutely unforgiveable to another. Kablee knows what she will do.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 May, 2005 04:20 pm
Noddy
That was such a cute story. It made me smile and I agree with you and Heeven :-D
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kablee
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 May, 2005 05:51 pm
I'm a very outgoing person with a pretty strong sense of humor. Honestly, I saw nothing wrong with the "flirting" I was doing. I never took anything he said to me seriously and I thought the same from him. I've done it many times with many male friends and vice versa. All my friends have as well as my husband. To all of us, it's very innocent. Just stupid adult fun with no intentions of anything. I guess that's why I was so shocked when this happened. As a matter of fact, I was so shocked that I can't even remember the actual kiss at all. I know it happened, but I couldn't recall what it felt like if my life depended on it. I was so numb!
After, I felt so guilty because I kept asking myself "how could I not see that coming"? I guess you're right, what seems like innocent flirting to some (by innocent I mean it's all in fun) can seem to wrong to others.
I am going to apologize for giving him the wrong message. I really thought he knew it was all in fun. I guess that's what you get when you ass-ume. (a little Felix Unger humor here)
Now I'm thinking "Damn, that's the last time I'll be kissed by another man and I don't even remember it"! LOL
I'll keep you posted on how I make out tommorow night.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 May, 2005 02:54 am
Good luck Kablee ;-)
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 May, 2005 09:34 am
I once knew a man who threw a serious pass after what I had assumed was harmless flirting. We were both married--and traveled in the same circles. I asked him what he was thinking of and he told me, "If you don't try, you don't score."

Some men collect pubic scalps.

Keep us posted--I have a 'satiable curiosity.
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