"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come!
SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES
It was the old couple's 50th anniversary. They were talking over breakfast about how to spend the day. The husband said " I remember when we were first married how I couldn't get enough of you." Taking off her blouse and bra his wife replied "You know my breasts are just as hot for you now as they were then."
I'm not surprised." he replied "One's in the oatmeal the other's in the coffee."
HUSBANDISMS
Husbandisms
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." -- Kathleen Mifsud
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret
at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the
wrong man." -- Anonymous #1
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.
-- Anonymous #2
TOO MANY CHILDREN!
TOO MANY CHILDREN
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might
need a good Laugh! Or men who need a warning,
and remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.
A woman asks his husband for $4000 so she can get breast implants. He tries telling her she doesn't need them, that didn't work. He keeps trying to convince her, but she insists. So she decides to hold out sex until he forks over the money.
3 weeks go by, and the husbands says "honey! I've got a great idea! I know how you can get those boobs to grow, and it won't cost us a dime...every night before you go to bed, just rub toilet paper on your chest, and I guarantee your boobs will get bigger."
So she does this every night. A couple weeks go by, and her boobs still haven't gotten larger. She says "this isn't working...where did you get that silly idea?"
The husband replied, "well, I figured it would work, after all, look what it's done to your ass!"
A woman goes to see her Chinese doctor, complaining her husband won't make love to her anymore. The doc tells her to strip completely naked, then get down on all fours on the floor. So she does, and the doctor says, "Hmmmmm."
The woman says, "what is it doc?"
"You have a very bad case of the Zacharys."
"What's that?" asked the woman.
A woman comes home from the grocery store with her arms loaded in shopping bags. Her husband is sitting on a couch in the living room in front of the TV.
"Honey?" the man called. "As long as you're up, get me a beer, would you? It's going to start pretty soon."
After wrestling her packages to the kitchen, the woman opens the 'fridge, gets a beer and hands it to her husband.
A little later, just as the woman has finished putting away her purchases, her husband calls out, "Hey honey? Would you get a me another beer? It's about to start any time now."
So she opens the 'fridge, grabs another beer and brings it to her husband. She goes back to the kitchen, preheats the oven and begins cooking dinner.
"Hey, would you bring me another beer?" says the husband. "It's gonna start in just a minute!"
Upset by now at being treated like a waitress, the woman angrily yanks a beer out of the 'fridge, stomps across to the living room and slaps it into her husband's hands.
She goes back to preparing dinner and is chopping vegetables when...
"Another beer, honey? It looks like its starting right now!??"
The woman stops chopping vegetables, stabs the knife clean into the chopping block, turns to her husband and shouts, "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BEER!"
"Well," said the husband. "It's started..."
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother dies. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side!
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got
up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Subject: FW: Male rules
>
>
>
>We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
>from
>the male side. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
>down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
>complaining about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not
>work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
>we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
>all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
>act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
>example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
>what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
>nothing's
>wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
>don't want to hear.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
>
>1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
>tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
What we really mean. What men say .......................What we really mean
I'm hungry ..................................... I'm hungry
I'm tired......................................... I'm tired
I have to go to the
bathroom.........................................Move over
Can I call you?..................................I'd really like to have sex with you
Can I buy you dinner?.......................I'd really like to have sex with you
Let me open the
door for you......................................I'd really like to have sex with you
Let us dance......................................I'd really like to have sex with you
Nice dress!........................................ Great boobs!
You look tense, let me
give you a massage............................I want to feel you up!
What's the matter?..............................PMS-time?
What's the matter?..............................Damn, no sex tonite...
I'm bored.......................................... Let's have sex
I love you..........................................Lets's have sex now!
I love you too.....................................Ok, I said it, let's have sex now!
Good morning.................................... Ok, that was good sex, more plz
See ya!...............................................Ok, that was good sex, more plz
Hey, nice haircut!.................................$200 and no difference
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said,
"Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What
shall we buy for her? She would like something
electric."
:wink: