My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

you could be right...
You could be right - esp about the scared child syndrome, though i'm not sure. Yes, you are right. I dont make threats about leaving at all..In fact, i never speak about it. When i want to do it, i will do it quietly. I have made arrangements ready - to ensure that i can leave my home at short notice , if required.

I do not know the reason for his abusive behavior. His parents are lovely people. His entire family is a set of sensible, affectionate people. I'm the one who had a trying time when i was child - watching violent scenes at home. My parents always had an ugly marriage, and they eventually split. With this kind of background, I should be running away from an abusive husband.

It's not love thats holding me back. I just dont want to give up so easily, I want to know what it is that has made him
like this.
Yes, I know i'm taking a risk here. But what do i do? Leave him for ever? Yes, that's probably the safest thing i can do. And I can surely carry on with my life without him - but i dont want to give up.

Re: you could be right...


I don't quite understand. You don't love this person now, you just want to know what makes him tick? And you also don't like the idea of "giving up"? But what would you be giving up? Anything that you value, or want to keep?

Re: you could be right...


You have answered you own question. You stay because this is what you perceive as a normal family life. Intellectually you know it is not the way you should live, but emotionally it makes you comfortable. You will probably need some therapy to break this pattern.

Does he still show up at all of your appointments? He was stalking you before, controling your every move. Does that continue?

I agree with the others. You know you no longer love him, yet you stay. I think Green Witch hit it on the head. You do not need to stay in this relationship. You would not be giving up by moving on and saving yourself. It doesn't sound like there is much there to give up on.

No, not after the long talk we had.



I value this relationship and don't want to give up on it. I want it to turn out meaningful.



I dont know if I have a concept of a "normal" family life. But yes, for some reason I'm emotionally more comfortable being in this relationship. I was beginning to suspect I need therapy tooo...but I have no idea what kind of therapy. As i mentioned, therapists/psychiarists are rare animals in my country. Do you know what I should do to help myself. I'd be too glad to try.

Yes, I think I no longer love him. At least, I know I'm not attached to him any longer. But I want to help him by getting to the bottom of this. The reason I decided to come back to him was becuase he said he needs help from me to overcome his problem. He asked me - "Imagine I wasnt abusive - I was normal. But say, one day I lost my mind. Would you leave me and run away or stay and help me? I'm ready to undergo any therapy or take some help.". Well, I dont if this plea is genuine or just a ploy to make me come back. But what if it's genuine? Isnt it right to stay and help?

Do you have a family doctor? If so, they can probably recommend someone. Almost all hospitals and clinics will have a referral list. I'm also in a rural area, but it seems the two things that can be found when you need them are a lawyer and a shrink. You can also check the gov't blue pages in your phonebook for family help lines.

Green Witch, we are talking with people all over the world here. And of those within the area most accessible to the internet, it is still a multilayered place.

I don't mean to sound instructive to you, nooo. Just not quite, myself, knowing how to answer chin.

You are correct Ossobuco, I was just assuming from her use of language that she was American or British. Her use of the small "i" instead of "I" also made me think she was from the east or west coast of the US - only my nieces and nephews from NY and CA do it on regular basis when they email me. My younger relatives in the mid-west do not. Truth is you can't assume anything in a format like this.

I'm from India, Green Witch....

Chinmayee - Thank you for letting me know. We Americans sometimes have trouble seeing beyond our own backyards. I read the word "country" in your post as "county" to really complicate the matter.

I think you might have to seek your therapy through books. I am sure the people here will have a few suggestions and I will take a look through my own library. You are not the only woman who has walked this road.

After four or more years later
Hello Chinmayee, I just read all the post that everyone has responded to you about your husband being abusive to you. Well I agree with everyone eles about you should most definitly leave and the reason I feel this way is because, in my oppion men have a way of manipulating women into feeling that we should help them when they fell. Also making us believe that we dont care if we walk away or that we never cared, but in the back of their mind they are thinking how can I keep her her inorder to satify my own fears, unhappyness and so on. Men do have a way of making us feel resposible for their faults. No I have never been in a violent (hands on) relationship but I was in a Mental abusive marrage where we did argue so much he would provoke me to hit him by grabing my arm or in my face like he wanted to fight, welll enough about me.

What I did want to say though was sometimes people change and sometimes they dont, but when they change for the worst after the marriage or in a relationship most likely if it is abusive they wont change in a matter of months and it might be too late for you befor they relize that they really needed change. For example a friend of mine, married for eight yrs was in a very loving marriage she had four son by him and he started abussing her mentally and then it led to physical. Everytime he said sorry and they even went to counsling together to work things out. The even went to church together and it worked off and on for a while but remember There were spaces in the middle and everytime she held on to her marriage because she has faith in God and wanted to trust in him to help her through, well She kept her faith in God and her husband didnt so he struck again and for the last time after fours yrs later of counsling and prayer he tried to kill her and put her in a two day comma and now he is in jail for attempted murder and her children saw all of it. SO what i am saying is think about your life and your well being because you only have one life and you shouldnt give it up for him.

Hi, Chinmayee,

I've been on a long hiatus, and just returned. Caught up on the goings-on here, and saw your question about finding counselors etc. If you'd like to send me a PM with your location, I might be able to help you find a counselor.

Hope things are going well for you. Stay safe.

Hi Chinmayee
Where are you staying? in india or usa?
I was just browsing this forum and came across your post. Read the whole chain of mails, coz everything sounded so similar. My situation is very similar to yours and I am very confused as to what I should do? The worst part is I moved to usa with him after marriage, so I have no job to support myself. I am unable to figure out where to start from?

Cheers
Cheery

Hi,

Thanks, heatwave, but i can't message you - able2know has not yet given me permission to pm anyone.

I'm safe - as of now. Some improvements:
- My husband is not physically abusive with me anymore. I can see him making the effort
- his verbal abuse is also on the decline.
- we've had fewer fights.

But some old problems - like him wanting to "watch over" me continue. Im not sure if I mentioned this before - but he buys me jewelry and clothes too often - i know i shouldn;t be complaining about that....but it adds to the suffocating feeling.

Cherry, I live in India. And I'm working. But I guess you can't get a job in the US, because maybe you are on a spouse visa...How violent is he? Why don;t you talk to your folks/a friend back home? Maybe you have some friends in the US who can help you change your visa/get a job. You need to do soemthing. If you keep quiet, things will get worse. You have to act. Tell me more. Maybe i could help you. I'll try my best.

Hi Chinmayee! I'm really glad you're still posting here on A2K... these people are great and have helped me a LOT just by listening and caring.

One thing I have to mention is, you cannot ever change another person. You can only change yourself. SO you won't ever be able to change his behavior, only your own. You'll save all kinds of time and heartache if you keep this in mind.

I wish I knew even the first thing about getting help in India, but I'm completely ignorant on this subject.

Can you get access to books about Rational Behavior Therapy? There's a fellow named Albert Ellis who's written many books about this sort of therapy, and they can really help.

These books have nothing to do with domestic violence, they're all about helping yourself to change your own thoughts so you can feel better and more healthy. This therapy is called RET or REBT (Rational Emotive Therapy). It's worth a try to find some of them.

Anyway, if you remember this one thing... that you can only change yourself and never anyone else (no matter how hard you try), it might help you. At least I hope so.

I care about you and wish the very best for you. I hope you keep in touch with us!

Thanks, BorisKitten. I'll try and find that book.

Yes, I understand I cannot change anyone. But i seem to be seeing improvements - hope they are for real. Some days are bad even now, but the good days easily outnumber the bad days.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks all of you for listening ..

Wishing you the best and hoping you never lie to yourself. ((((((((((chinmayee_s))))))))))

so far so good. things are OK between my husband and me. thanks, everyone.

The improvements are not impressing me, chinmayee. It sounds like he's trying really hard to be someone he isn't. I do admire his effort, but as long as it is an effort, I would suggest you explore your options.

....he needs to go to 'anger management'

he appears very supportive toward you in every way except when his
temper flares...