My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Sakhi, I know that it is confusing when the one you love and the one who loves you goes from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. Abusive men have a way of making you feel that he is a knight in shining armor. That is the one way that they hook you. It is very clever. The truth is, abuse kills, destroys you even if it is bit by bit. You could be KILLED, or put in a position where you wish you had died. The good parts to him are just that...good. The bad side could cause you so much harm and pain that you may not recover. Have a child with him and the abuse will be extended to them - maybe not physically but mentally. The little boy you made together goes on to abuse and maybe kill. The little girl you made together goes on to choose someone just like daddy or worse takes it out on your grand child. Love yourself first. If you don't believe you should be safe and loved, why should he? Leave...feel the pain but do it anyway. That kind of pain is nothing compared to a shot in the face. You will survive, I did. You will feel like you can't breath but no one ever suffocated because of the loss of a loved one. Leave, the life you save could be your own.

Hi,

Lemme introduce myself first. Iam divya from India,Bangalore. Iam 26 years old , Iam married I have a girl child, and the second one is yet to see this world on august2011.
My husband cares for me a lot, he gets me all the best things in this world for me, he cares for my child too, he speaks to me well, he often says " He loves me a lot and cannot live without me", but unfortunately when there is any heated arguments between us, he abuses me, he uses profound languages to scold me. He has never hit me in these 3 years of our marriage. He also abuses my parents too, he is never satisfied with them, no matter how well they take care of him. But he never abuse them directly, he is always good to them and speak well.
After every fight he apologise for the profound language, and requests me to forget what has happened, and the very next moment he behaves as though nothing has happened between us, as though there was no fight at all.....!!!!!!!!!
I dont know whether he will change or not ??? Iam confused...... I dont want my childrens to be without a father.............

Should I live like this, try to change him ?????? what should I do ?? Iam confused.........:-(((

It could be he is bringing home all his frustrations from work. He needs to go to a gym to punch out his aggession. You are the butt of his frustrations at work or elsewhere.

If you husband is abusive, he doesn't love you. That's a fact you need to understand.

Oh dear..you see, your husband I do believe loves you, but it's more of a possessive and obsessive affection than a nurturing and healthy one. Just think to the future: would you want to have your children raised in an environment where they have to witness this and even experience it?

In a healthy marriage, a partner must respect the other's boundaries; meaning, hitting is not acceptable, and they should not resort to physical violence to get their point across. A relationship is supposed to help you grow as a person and be appreciated for who you are, but being so abusively judged and accepting it will only degrade you as a person. I suggest you leave him, although it may be tough, it's better for you in the long run. He needs to get his own life in order before he can have a family.

Hi,

I have recently moved out of my abusive relationship but still in the privess of trying to get help from my family. My story is EXACTLY like yours. Every single thing. He is sweet caring and all that to my family and community but not not me. Isolates me threatens me hits me choked me strangled me suffocated me with a pillow and many more. Never ending. And after all that he says he loves me.

Now he says he have changed and want me to return back to the country, Can I ever trust him???
Did u return to ur man? Did he change? Am soo nervous and dont know what to do next. My family dont beleive me. They are concerned about their image and trust him more. Feel soo lonely and loosing hope. Am now sick no job and soo lost my confidence. Only God hears me.

Could u kindly give me some advice. Will he change if i return? Or is my return THE END for me for good.

Plz reply to me at the earliest- [email protected]
He is planning to have a talk with the family and take me back to th other country. I am seriously worried my family will require me to leave. No one there to help what if he changes again and be even more angry bcoz i left him.



Waiting for ur reply

Choking and strangling can easily go too far, even if he doesn't intend to. You cannot take the chance on going back.

Hello priya2012,

this is a very old thread from 2005 and sakhi is no longer writing at a2k.
To my knowledge, she did leave her husband and moved into her own apartment. Her husband wanted to reconcile very badly and did everything
she asked him to. He went to counseling and anger management classes and I believe after one or two years have passed, she gave him another chance with the warning that he ever laid hands on her, she'll be gone for good. The last we heard from her, things were going smoothly.....and I hope for her sake it still is that way.

So unless your husband is willing to seek treatment and he agrees to you both living apart for as long as it takes you to trust him again, I would not return to him.

sakhi had her family on her side, they helped her and supported her.

CJ, That sakhi had a support system outside her marriage is a biggie! Many stay in violent relationships, because they have no support systems in place. Understandable.

Hi To all who have replied,

Thanks heaps for your response. I was so hoping to hear from her or any person who has been through the same experience if things changed in their after they got together. I feel soo lonely and ill, so loosing my confidence but I just dont want to giveup even if no one is there to support me in my family. I just wanna live and have a peaceful life. The only one by me is God.

He is coming over in a weeks time to take me back overseas. But I seriously dont trust him anymore. I fear my parents and his would require me to leave. A whole load of promises and advices and then they are all safe . But will he change? Once I go back overseas what if he changes his mind as he knows no one is there to help me for sure. Does counseling truly work?

Hi Roger,

Is it so
Well hes threatened me several times. Kept the knife on my neck and almost stabbed me in my chest. Am wondering was he just trying to scare me, as this what my family and most people say. When I tell them what he has done the response is- "He is only trying to scare you, if he wanted to kill you he would have by now"

I dont know what to believe . My question is What if, just IF- he get the confidence one day to stabe me , then what. AM I thinking too much or is my family right that he will ony scare me and do nut have the guts to hurt me. Saying that hes cut his own palm twice and blamed me for that.

Oh god I wish they were able to understand me.

Bad luck for me. He has managed to get my family on his side. Hes been able to create a false innocent image of himself and begins to weep to them when they say to him to rethink his behavior and marriage. So manipulative and a real good actor who manages to create a false image of himself. Unfortunately it took me years to get to know him. But getting my family to believe in me have just become impossible.
Only God and I know the amount of torture hes put me through.

Sweetheart, you only live once, so live it any way you want to. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. It sounds like your husband is much more violent than sakhi's was. Don't go back to him!!

If there is a shelter near you, please call their abuse hotline, they can help you.

You are right CG . I agree with you. Time up for me to make my own decisions whether my family stands by me or not. I might be alone on this journey but adleast I will be alive. My family is gonna hate me for not returning thats for sure but oh well I wanna live . Violent he sure is and very unpredictable as well.
Kindly pray for me to have the strength to standup and speak for myself when he comes. I am soo looking forward for a good future

Thanks CG

You deserve a good future, priya, but please, do me a favor: when your husband comes and to pick you up, do not meet him alone. Under no circumstances let him into your place or be alone - have a friend, a co-worker or a neighbor with you to protect you.
Don't meet him alone, promise me!

Yea, please don't keep making the same mistake.

Yes CG, I promise will meet him along with my parents. They aint gonna say anything the talk is between me and him in a room. But adleast my parents are in the house. Even today I tried to bring some light in my moms thoughts, but no luck she is so waiting to send me off with him.

This is going to be nasty -real nasty , no doubt. An argument with him, his parents will be coming along to add more oil to the fire as always. And after this my parents are gonna explode at me as well. Just one more week and its judgement time. I soo hope I dont endup being alone for the rest of my life, its a scary thought. No husband, no kids and no family . I can already notice my friends who were concerned about me, talk to me as if they do not know anything that I am going through and its not their problem.
The true face of the self centered world is what I get to see so clearly when I am alone and in tears. It sure is a learning curve , learning the truth of life and the FACT that God in heaven and its just me myself and I who will always be there to help me at the worst times in life.

Sorry if I am saying too much. I just dont have anyone to speak to and I so wanna vent my feelings. Hope I aint boring you with my story.

Its soo nice to know that people who I have never known before care for my safety. God sure sends his angels at times of distress.
God bless you CG

Thanks CI for the concern. Hope I truly not make the same mistake due to pressure from family or because of his crocodile tears. He knows well I get real sad when I see him sad, this is my weak point which I need to get over. God grace I hope he dont cry in front of me and start begging me. He did this before to marry me and I paid the price. Wish I knew he was faking it . This time I wanna be strong and I will pray to be.

Hello Priya,
you are not boring us, please continue - talking it over and unloading the heavy burden helps. My guess is you are from/in India?
Trust me, you will meet someone else who deserves you and treats you like
every person should be treated. A life with violence is not the answer, you
would be scared an miserable in no time, aside from the physical and emotional injuries you sustain.

My guess is that your parents are blindsided by your husband as you were
in the beginning. Husbands who get violent are usually masters of deception, but as I said previously, ultimately it is your life, no one can live your life for you - not your parents, not your husband or anyone else. You make the decision what is best for you and only you. Stay strong and don't let your husband's plea sway your decision. He's only playing games.

You can test him and tell him, he should go to counseling and anger management and in a years time he can come back and you will talk about it again. I am almost certain, he would be outraged at that and not comply.

If he truly loved you he had never laid a hand on you, never mind with a knife.

Thanks CJ. Yes I am from India, born overseas though.
Truly am dreaming of a happy life with a loving and decent man someday.

Yes I guessso my parents are blindfolded as well just the way I used to be. I no more am going to try to make them believe in what I say. Just going to follow my heart and hear from people who has got experiences in their life and people whose minds are not clouded by such people like my husband .

The test- He might say yes. But will he go for it once i get there. I dont think so. Will still give it a try, lets see what he says.

You are right .
love should bring happiness not fear. Living with him I feel so insecure by his side and so scared . Love dont exist
I have always loved him and I never ever hit himor threatened him despite his abusive behaviour. But enough is enough. I dont want to be pushed around as if I am some commodity. From the very start he has been treating me as if I am just something he owns. I dont think I can forgive him for the pain I have gone through.