First of all....a BIG hug for you.
Please forgive me if I come off too strong. Sometimes my gentle side gets lost in the desperation of wanting so badly to help someone such as yourself. I would like to show you a picture of me. I keep this picture to show myself how far I have come in my healing process. There are just days I NEED proof for MYSELF that the journey I walk is one that is "worth it." Living in fear...losing your identity....not caring about life, these are things that I "became," living with my abuser. These are things you will become if you haven't already. It's amazing how much they change not only your inside...but your outside, too. I am so ugly in this picture that I am embarrased to post it here. I will only leave it here temporarily.
That picture is the definition of the "walking dead."
Once upon a time there was this girl named Brooklyn. She was full of life and love. She had a vision in her heart. She was going to get her education in as quickly as she could and then fall in love and get married and have bunches and bunches of "babies."
After she graduated, she went to college. She worked very hard to finish her degree by taking extra credits and never taking any time off, even throughout the summer.
She finished her degree and everything was on "track" to follow the course she had mapped out for herself.
She met a "wonderful" man. ( or so she thought) He was VERY attentive. Yes, almost to a "fault." :wink: When I read your story, parts of it were "me" all over again. This man's name was Mark. He showered Brooklyn with the kind of love that melted her heart. She had never loved like she loved this man. A simple touch of his fingertips across the side of her cheek would make her so weak in the knees that she could hardly stand. It was AMAZING. She began to wonder how in the world she ever lived her life without him. He told her many times that he, himself, had never loved another woman, like he loved her.
Moving forward a little bit in time..........
He asked her to marry him. She said "YES!" They were both very excited to begin that part of their life together. He wanted to get married right away. She wanted a longer engagement than he did, so she could plan the wedding. In order to make him happy, she let him move in with her, against her parents wishes. It ended up being a good thing. True colors have a way of becoming much clearer, when they are around you all the time.
After he moved in, he began showing signs of being jealous. Brooklyn didn't like this...but she tolerated it. After all.....their love was strong. They would work through it. Besides, wasn't jealousy just an emotion that most people had or were capable of? Nothing out of the ordinary, right?
Mark was very well liked by most that knew him. He was so kind to people. Very outgoing. Always making people laugh. Very kind and gentle. Very quickly, these things that Brooklyn loved most about him faded into darkness. He would still show this side of him to others...just NOT her.
One day he became very angry with her....and he beat her. She was so shocked that she couldn't even function. This wasn't the man she fell in love with and was going to marry. Who was he? Mark was very sad too. He begged her forgiveness. He worked very hard at treating her with respect after that. (at the same time, he made sure she knew it was her fault of course)
Brooklyn thought it would never happen again. Mark was very good at convincing her of this. She had never known anyone that was abused. She had no one to give her advice either, for she kept her bruises hidden as much as she could.
She just knew everything would be ok if she was "good." After all , he was back to treating her like she was truely "loved" again.
It wasn't ok. It only got worse. The nightmare would end in the most tragic of ways.
People that abuse, do not pour life into the victim. I know that you know this.
People that abuse...are extremely dangerous, and I know that you know this also.
People that abuse, are like Jekyl and Hide. They can be extremely loving. Or they can be extremely violent. There is no happy medium. You have seen this.
The victim of the abuser, with time......loses her identity. The abuser seemingly takes control of her every move, her thoughts, her life. She begins to feel like she lives in a prison. It's a pretty horrible feeling.
The victim, is kept isolated from family and friends.
Do you live like this, chinmayee_s? Do you see tomorrow, or is it not visible through the fog?
Do you know why you don't want to leave him? Is it really because you love him so much...or is it because of fear?
Do you know that the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be for you in the end, to become healed and able to move forward with your life again? If you are not murdered before you are given that chance.
I am a survivor. I have charge of my life now. It was like learning to walk all over again. You can do the same. I just pray that you love yourself enough to take that step. That you do it before it's too late.
Below is me today. Do you see a difference in the pictures? Does the above picture speak of happiness and living? Of life and love? Your abuser would like for you to believe that you can't make it without him. The truth is.....you can't make it WITH him.
I'm not sure why my eyes came in so dark (almost brown) in the above picture. Seems all the colors came in darker than the true colors. The camera or the fact it was taken at night. But it doesn't matter. Two things about me that have changed the most in my looks....my smile and my eyes. They both light up on me, now.
You can change your life....the same as I have. You just have to WANT TO! You just have to LOVE yourself enough to know you deserve it.
But you have to do it now.
*edited to remove pictures*