The teenage years

She's 14 and goes to church, you have nothing to worry about, if it is a church outing, nothing will happen (it would be too weird)

When I was her age, I went to my "boyfirends" youth group and they played a game of hide and seek and he tried to kiss me, and I couldn't, I was at a church.......

I'm sure she's fine. The problem is with me. Being my oldest this whole 'letting go' process is making me crazy. I was the youngest and had very few restrictions. My oldest sister still talks about not being able to do anything until she moved out and was on her own, so I guess it sort of natural for Mom to be nervous about all these 'firsts' she's experiencing. My younger daughter is already getting to do things at an earlier age than her sister, such as going to the movies with just her friends.

I had a pretty sleepless night last night. What little sleep I did get was interrupted with dreams. One dream was that the three carloads from our church stopped at a rest area and they decided to get back into different cars than they originally started in. My d, of course, was left behind. Why do I do this to myself? Maybe I should get some of those books BorisKitten was recommending over on the relationship board....

I was scrolling through the older threads on this board and noticed a few about teenagers but most were about younger kids. I thought I would start a chronicle of my reflections of parenting teenage girls. I hope that's an ok use of this forum. Feel free to jump in if you have any thoughts...


Another quasi-sleepless night last night, but for a different reason. My 12 year old, M, is in the 7th grade. We live in an area where about 60% of the kids are Jewish and during the 7th grade most of them have their Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. I think it's great that my kids live in a religiously diverse area because I admit to growing up quite isolated within the traditional white steepled Protestant churches of Vt. It amazes me how extravagant these celebrations are. Some of them are bigger galas than many wedding receptions! Anyway, last night M and 70 of her friends met at school where they got on busses that took them down to one of the larger hotels in Chicago and danced the night away arriving back at school at 1:00 this morning!!!! Sometimes I'm stunned at the extremes of these events.

There are about 180 kids in her grade and about 100 of them are Jewish. That translates to 2 parties a week. Some of the 'inner circle' kids are invited to most or all of them, M is happily (for both of us) going to one every other week or so. They don't all go late into the night. Some are held at the Temple after the service, some are at a local restaurant in the afternoon but many are at night and some are even late on Sunday night with school scheduled the next day. I'm the mean mom those nights and pick her up at 10:00, plenty late enough in my opinion for a 12 year old to be out on a school night - too late really but it doesn't happen very often.

Last night I had a nap until about midnight, setting an alarm so that we could go over to school to meet the bus. By the time we got home and settled it was probably 2:00 before I got back to sleep. I didn't worry much about K away at her con last night. I was too tired.

And now they're both sick. M is home, K went to school after I told her that if she was too sick to go to school after spending the weekend at cons then she didn't need to go to any more cons. I think she might have crawled to school if necessary. I gather it was a blast and not worth risking being able to go next time by staying home from school for a few days to recover.

Not true at all.
Teenage hormones take over where ever and when ever they have a chance.
We all know this, we were teenagers once too.
that is probally why JB is worried!
BUT.. the one good part is that there are LOTS of other people and LOTS of things to do. So, hopefully that will keep them busy.
Im not trying to rain on your parade JB.. I am just validating your fears.. and HOPEFULLY giving you some comfort in reminding you THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE.. hehehe.. TOO MANY EYES.. TOO MANY ACTIVITIES..
:-)

If she goes to chruch and he goes to church, then chances are they would both be responsible and not allow their hormones to rule them. I don't think you have much to worry about.

I would not agree with this. Some of the craziest kids I knew in HS were minister's kids.

I know that but minister's kids and regular church going kids are two different things. Ministers kids are forced into the church and rebel. Regular kids who decided to go to church are not forced and will respect the church more.

Just from my experience in high school and my brief bout with church group.

J_B--

Wrinkles arrive, but gray hairs are earned.

K, the 14 year old, is a cellist. She's quite good as she's been playing since she was 7 years old. This isn't something we pushed on her, just the opposite. When she was in first grade she saw a string quartet at school and came home that day and announced she wanted to play the cello. I said fine and proceeded to do nothing about it. Every so often she would ask about when she could start playing cello and was still asking about it a year later so I decided she was serious and found someone who would give private lessons to a 7 year old on her rented 1/4 size cello. She started playing with the Jr. High orchestra in 4th grade and continued playing both in school and through her private teacher through 7th grade. She has a lot of natural talent but doesn't like to practice. She took second place at a midwest competition two years in a row.

Last year she said she didn't want to play with the school group any more because the music was too easy and they met before school and she didn't want to have to get up early. We let her drop the school group and kept her in lessons privately. Now she is at the high school and playing more advanced music but has dropped the private lessons because they cost a ton of money, she never practiced and had for the most part lost interest. I just saw her schedule for her sophmore year. It does not include orchestra. Eight years, over thirty thousand dollars, tremendous unapplied talent and she wants to walk away from it. Sigh.....

Maybe she needs to learn a different instrument now.

My sister was like this. We thought she had given up on music after 7 years of piano--what a waste that would have been! Turns out she was just bored with the piano. When she got to college, she got a roommate who played guitar and taught her. With her background, it didn't take long to master it. Then she moved on to other instruments. She's 45 now, plays 14 different instruments, and has had voice lessons. She has played professionally, and may do so again. For now, she writes music. She said every time she learns a new instrument, it's like falling in love with music all over again. You might try it.

JB- A teenager thread for parents! Great idea!

My daughter turns 16 on Valentines Day. She has been active in two church youth groups for a couple of years now. When they go to conferences or outings they are told there will be no "Purpling." As in, Blue and Pink make purple.

Anyway, it's been an interesting ride thus far. Still waiting for the rebllion. Maybe that will come at 18 just as she's leaving the house!

My almost 15-year old daughter got herself in some trouble. I'm not even going to post it here, at least not yet, but I'm at a low point in hell. I will say she isn't pregnant.

There is so much peer pressure these days at this age. The whole thing sucks.

Your right Eva, the cello simply isn't cool. We bought her a bass guitar for Christmas because she was told it's an easy transition from cello. We haven't gotten her any lessons yet. I'm kind of shell shocked on pouring more money into lessons at the moment. I'll give in because the bass is getting dusty but it still breaks my heart.

lol Squinney, purpling.

cj, sorry about your daughter. Share when and if you're ready. You're right about the peer pressure - it really does suck.

Someone stole K's money out of her wallet at school yesterday. She'd been saving for a trip to the mall this weekend to get a Valentine's Day gift for her bf and a couple things for herself. Now she's broke. When I asked her why she had all her money at school, I was told I wasn't being helpful. I think she hopes deep down that I'm going to replace the money (I'm not) or that it will somehow reappear (it won't). I feel badly for her but this is one of those cases where I think she has to learn a lesson the hard way. It's hard to stand by and watch sometimes.

J_B--

February weather and a teenager. You have my sympathy.

JB - Standing by and letting lessons be learned is absolutely the hardest part for me. I know sometimes it doesn't even matter if you say exactly the right thing, if it isn't what they want to hear, it will be "not helping."

Take heart. Sounds like you have a great daughter.

CJ - There is a LOT of pressure on kids. I know our parents said the same thing, but it does seem to have gotten worse. With me it was drugs. A couple of my high school friends smoked pot, but when offered to me and I passed it was "cool."

Now it's sex. (Especially BJ's) If you aren't bragging you aren't "cool." Doesn't seem to matter if one is active or not, gotta claim to be. Turns my stomach!

I do everything around here. Not really, Mr B does a lot, but my kids have never had any specific chores that they are responsible for. I cook it, clean it, and wash it, whatever 'it' is. If I ask them to do something specific it will usually get done, after I ask for the third or fifth time, but the list of things that need to get done belongs to me. Mr B is totally in charge of the vacuum and emptying the dishwasher because those are the things I dislike the most.

We are in this position by choice and it was all mine. My mother did everything at our house when I was growing up too. My father would complain that we'd all turn out to be 'good for nothing slobs' because we weren't given any responsibility. She said she'd rather do it all herself and have it done her way than fight with us and have it not done 'right'. None of us turned out as my father predicted and although I never cleaned a bathroom until I was paying the rent on it, I somehow figured out the difference between the toilet bowl cleaner and the scrubbing bubbles.

Last night K asked if her laundry was done yet. This didn't set quite right with me but, given that I've never shown her what to do in the laundry room, why wouldn't her question be a reasonable one? If it was reasonable, why did it set me on edge? Maybe it was the sneer in her 14 year old voice, or the expectation that if she put her clothes in the laundry room in the morning they should be done by evening. Maybe it was the nagging thought that just because none of us turned out as slobs maybe the next generation will and I'd better be giving them some household responsibilities. I always felt that their efforts were better spent on school and growing up and there was plenty of time to learn about Tide and lint baskets.

What chores did you have as teenagers? What chores do your children have now?

I have a feeling one of the reasons my immature first husband opted for marriage is that he didn't want to do his own housework.

I made sure that my 2 sons and 6 step sons could clean, cook, manage laungry and simple sewing before they sauntered out in the wide, wide world.

Also, ever child should learn to carve a turkey in the privacy of home before being expected to carve in public.