What about you, Nimh? What's your take on this? What do you do for work?
Office job. Fascinating subject ... well, I know it is, deep down. Just don't feel it. Seriously exasperated.
I know that I should
like it - that I should consider myself pretty lucky: its super-informal, people are enthusiastic (it's an idealistic thing), the topic interests me ... yet I hate it, and feel completely trapped.
The obvious way out would be a "better" job of course, same line of work but elsewhere, with a different boss, perhaps less bullshit networking and more of a concrete assignment thing ... or a slightly more concrete topic ... yet at the same time I cant help wondering whether I'm cut out for any of this at all. My boss, in the end-of-year-evaluation, explained what I could do to use my capabilities to "move up", and while smiling politely at him inside I was screaming "what if I don't WANT to move UP!!??".
I hate the office lingo, the project talk bull, the whole ... castles-in-the-air thing. The intangibility of it all. I feel like I'm wasting my life, and loathe myself for the cheerful bla-bla I spout at meetings, even when I know its not actually all
bla-bla at all, it's just inside I feel like it is, which says more about my state of mind than the work I guess. Well OK, perhaps it says something about both. My allergy to the office language/culture thing is irrationally fierce tho. When the other day some people sat next to me in the train and started having one of those work discussions about co-ordination this, outreach that, I physically felt sick and I had to get up and move down to another seat. And if my problem is with that thing, per se, just moving jobs within the field might just make things worse
. (And I just had an offer for a job interview, abroad
, so thats a serious question - do I want to give up my home, plants, my few friends, to go so far for something that might just put me in the exact same problem - but more acutely so, having to prove myself and all? (I mean, the job is also actually more concrete and all - but then again the organisation is more corporate..))
Yet what is the alternative? I'm seriously jealous when I read about your dad driving mail from the main post office to the little villages/towns around. That would be so totally OK for me now. Or when I hear of my friend's friend who has her own biological farm (though I couldnt stand getting up that early). I yearn for something concrete, practical, no-nonsense, and void of all those pretensions and vacuity of yet another project proposal to bring together partnerships of transnational actors to promote intercultural competences and facilitate the exchange of good practice on the empowerment of ... whatever. Yet at the same time I'm afraid that, in reality, if I really were to become, say, a furniture mover like you've been (that caught my attention for a moment, before I remembered I have the physical strength of an endangered bird), I might become numbingly bored for the lack of a challenge. Or at least would over time, later on in life, and then not have the chance anymore to go back to the opportunities I guess I formally have now in this line of work.
In short, I'm stuck. But I dream of being a stained glass setter or mosaic maker or bookbinder ...
... then realise all those jobs are on the verge of extinction.
How old are you again, Kicky? I'm 33 ...