MORE LATE-NIGHT HUMOR

Edit Moderator: Moved from Politics to Humor.

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" ?David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." ?David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." ?David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " ?Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." ?David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." ?Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." ?Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." ?Craig Kilborn"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." ?Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." ?Jay Leno
"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" ?Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" ?Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." ?Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' ?Jay Leno