Feeling horribly depressed after a messy affair

Hi everyone. This is long and rambling and complicated, but I appreciate anyone that reads. For the past year I've been talking to a man I met online. It started as just friendly chatting as both of us are married, though quite unhappily. In fact, I was very depressed and unhappy in most aspects of my life at the time. I was really struggling with having any purpose in life after finding out I can't conceive, realizing my husband doesn't care about me, and after years of not being able to make ends meet financially. But this man started talking to me and it gave me something to take my mind off of things. A couple of weeks in to chatting, things started to progress. We talked more and more and then moved on to things like phone calls and FaceTime. After a couple of months he admitted to having feelings for me and I found myself feeling the same way. He was sweet, smart, handsome, successful and despite the circumstances, he was quite religious and didn't talk like most men I know do. He was so respectful and almost wholesome. I am not an attractive person in the slightest, but he constantly told me I was beautiful and made me feel special. Even though it was wrong, we started saying we loved each other and we texted constantly throughout the day.

Then last May, my mother passed away rather suddenly. She was my best friend and I was so devastated. I remember thinking when I was younger that I just needed to keep myself alive long enough to be around for her, and once she was gone, I could finally end my pointless existence. With her gone, I have nothing and no one. But this man helped me through everything. He lifted me up and gave me purpose. We got even closer after that and he constantly told me how much he wanted to be with me. I knew in my heart he'd never leave his family though and I kept myself grounded.

Well a couple of months later (July) he booked a trip to come out and see me. I was so nervous and shy when we met in person, but after a little bit it was like we knew each other for years. I really only got to see him a matter of hours, but when the trip was over, we both said it felt like our hearts were being ripped out. After that, he begged me to fly out to see him and I did in September. Things kept getting more and more intense and he started saying he wanted to leave his wife, but I still tried to stay grounded. He was my best friend, but I know how these situations typically work.

He insisted I visit again in October and I did. I was so incredibly in love and had never felt so connected to someone in my life. He showed so much emotion and made me feel special every day, but when that trip was over I told him we had to end things--that I knew how these things turn out and I wanted to protect myself from getting too hurt and I was feeling too guilty about what we were doing to our spouses. But he begged me to stay and said he just needed more time, and stupidly, I did. My world revolved around talking to him. I still didn't believe he'd ever leave, but I loved him.

He became pretty insistent about seeing me, and flew me out in November and at the beginning of December. Then the holidays came and we were both so upset that we weren't spending them together. He was so emotional and told me he couldn't spend another holiday without me. He talked more and more about leaving his wife and started actually talking about it like it was going to happen. He said things like "my mom is going to love you" or "I can't wait to have you around to help my son with his homework." He started talking about it like it was inevitable and stupidly, for the first time, I truly thought we could be together.

Well then this month I went to visit him again and less than 24 hours after my plane landed, his wife was on their iCloud and saw our text messages and threatened to take the kids and leave. He did a quick 180. He booked me a flight home and sent me on my way. He said he had to try to save his family. He sobbed and sobbed at the airport and told me how much he loved me, but he just couldn't bear not being with his kids. He begged me to let him know I got home safely and I said I couldn't--It hurt too much. He kept messaging and messaging and so eventually I kept him in the loop about my trip. I cried all 15 hours it took to get home.

After I got home, he said again that he had made his decision and was going to try to see things though with his family. I did my best to not respond, but after several hours I felt like I had to have closure and sent one final message. Well the next morning he started messaging me again and saying how he had been sitting in his truck just holding my ponytail holder and crying for the past 20 minutes. He was saying how hard it was and he wished he could be with me more than anything. I was very calm and told him he'd be fine--maybe going in to work would be a good distraction. I tried to maintain an emotional distance. He messaged a little more and I sent a response only to find out I had been blocked. It was like a kick in the gut and I felt all of the initial pain all over again. A couple of hours later he ended up calling me from an unknown number. He explained he had gotten caught again and he proceeded to say how much he missed me and how he keeps questioning if he made the right decision, but he ended the call, yet again, saying he had to try to make things work at home. I hung up certain that was it.

Two days later, knowing things were over, I went to the post office and mailed an envelope to him with a gift I had planned on giving him and a bracelet from a set he had gotten me. I thought he might like to have half of the set knowing I had the other. It was also my way of trying to somewhat purge him from my life and have closure. I was devastated, but was trying to keep it together. Of course though, that night he snuck off and called me again. He kept telling me how hard it has been and that things are miserable there and I found myself doing what I could to comfort him, which in hindsight seems kind of backwards. He kept telling me I am his best friend and all he wants to do is talk to me. He claims he has been honest with her about everything, including the fact the he is in love with me. I find it hard to believe, but he is so convincing. We hung up again and yet again it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

Fast forward two more days--I checked and the package was delivered. I didn't attempt to contact him and left things as is, but later that night he called again. He was furious at me and told me I had ripped his heart out by sending the bracelet back. I tried to explain myself and he eventually calmed down and fell back in to saying how much he missed me and loved me and how if things didn't work out at home, he hated knowing he'd never be able to make things up to me--it was almost like he was trying to still keep me on the hook. I was so frustrated and I finally told him he made his choice and I hope it turns out, but I have to be done with it. He apologized for leading me on and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. He said he loved me and still thinks about me constantly and that was it.

The problem is that I am missing him so much. On one hand I feel almost used, but I had no self worth before him. He made me feel like I wasn't a disgusting monster. He made me feel smart. He made me feel like I had something and someone to live for. Without him, all of the negative things are rushing back. I think about my dead end marriage to someone that doesn't care about me but that I can't survive financially without. I think about the fact that I am 33 years old and don't have children and am unable to ever have any. I think about my job that makes me crazy but that doesn't even afford me to live comfortably. I think about losing the only two people that actually seemed to care about me (him and my mother). I think about being so grotesque that no one will ever want to be with me. I am just so deeply depressed and am back to thinking like I did when I was younger. I just feel like I have nothing to live for. I feel like I am pointless.